Finally Got The Courage To Show This To My Family/friends

[Graceelaine]

What I wish I could say to the boy that assaulted me.

I know you will probably never see this but I feel like I need to say it.

Why?? Why did you think hitting me would be okay?? Did you think you could change me?? Did you think I would give in or give up?

You killed the person I was before, the one that was happy all the time and trusted with every fiber of her being. The one that did everything she could to help everyone and never thought of herself or what Could happen. The girl that would put herself through anything to help a complete stranger.

Well you succeeded. That girl is dead, and I just want to know why! Did you hate me that much?was I too loud? Was I too much?? Did I just rub you the wrong way? What did I do to make you do this to me?

Did you think that breaking my face would break me?
Well it hasn't. Yes I'm cautious and aware of things at all times, I'm terrified even when I'm sleeping and I can't explain why, even to my family and closest friends. But through all this I have learned that I AM STRONG. I am strong enough to suffer through night terrors and crippling fear every time I leave my house. I am strong enough to keep seeing the best in others even though I am afraid of what they might do. I am strong enough to LIVE, to go out and do things I never thought I would do. And to LEARN.

I learned that I have people to fight for. To fight the urge to hide away and give up. To fight the fear that has ruled my life since you decided it was okay to harm me. To fight the anger inside of me. To fight to keep ME around.

I have my family, my friends, strangers, and even people I thought hated me giving me strength, and standing with me even though they may not understand.

You will never win. Because I won't let you.
Yes I'm afraid...I am terrified, but I won't let my fear or this label define me. Im DONE!!!!!! I'm done with letting the past change and shape me. I am and always will be ME. And nothing you say or do can affect me anymore. Yes I'm not the same person as before, but I know that the changes in me CAN make me better.

PTSD is just another obstacle I need to get through, and I realize now that it doesn't make me any less than what I was, it can't beat me. I AM STRONGER THAN THAT.

I will NEVER forgive you and I will NEVER forget. What I can do is hope that you, and anyone else, never have to live with this pain.

But I still wonder, WHY??

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm... lots of mixed messaging but you said, "I won't let my fear or this label define me." Congratulations!

 

[VioletButterfly]

I wonder about the "whys" in life too, so can very much relate. I see courage, though, in what you've written, so maybe you leave the "whys" to the universe and do live the way in which you've noted in your post - being strong and living the life you want to live, not one labeled or controlled by what was done to you by someone else in the past. It sounds like you want to grab the world and live life and thrive, so for that I am very excited for you, and also that you have support. That's great news. VB