desiderata310
VIP Member
Yesterday was stupidly difficult day. A real roller coaster of a ride. I'm still trying to sort out all the various components of what happened and why I didn't just implode. I started off the day by finding out that my ex was going in for a pulmonary function test- which made me realize that I actually care more about the bastard than I knew. Then I went off for a decent run. I got home, plopped down on the edge of the bed to take off my shoes and straight into a flash back- full on, but different from the last one. Scared the hell out of me.
Once I finally got myself together I went to work where I had to deal with writing up one of my employees. I was so intensely intimidated I almost couldn't call him in to talk to him about it. I kept my voice low and quiet and he did the same- so at least there was that. He's appealing my decision, of course. As soon as he left I dissolved into tears.
Immediately following that I got a text from my future daughter in law that I should call my son. My son had just returned to finish out AIT after being sent home for a stress fracture. While he was home he had a suicide attempt and was diagnosed with PTSD- the result of his step-dad's abuse (and the reason I have PTSD as well)Needless to say, I immediately knew something was amiss. I spoke with him on my way to therapy(yes while riding a bike). He was in the mental ward again but not for an attempt. He got triggered and had a panic attack. When he told his CO they sent him over. They are going to give him a medical discharge and told him that he could go back to finish out his training next year after he passes a psych eval. I was thrilled for him and pointed out that this made it just a minor set back. Turns out that his dad was not quite as supportive and told him he "Blew it" Needless to say any feelings of concern I had for his dad went right out the window.
SO… when I walked in to therapy, I was in quite a state.
One thing I wanted to know was WHY my brain started with the flashbacks. Why NOW?
We talked at length about the fact that I had another flashback- a different one. He feels that my stress over dealing with this employee, who is in a tiny way, physically like my ex and a somewhat intimidating figure, triggered me - even though I wasn't actively thinking about the fact that I was going to have to deal with him that day.
My therapist felt that the multiple flashbacks (absent flashbacks? I mean no idea that we are in 2014) and the fact that there are two different ones means that we really need to start EMDR sooner rather than later. IE, we opened pandora's box, stopped long enough to get me stabilized and now I can't hold the box closed anymore. (hence all of my new symptoms) He went back over my therapy history and we talked through some things that had changed since we started working together. One thing he noted, with great surprise, was that we dove in to EMDR so quickly. Our second session, he said. He noted that I had not brought up my dad's abuse at that time. He also realized that I was a bit different and needed a different approach from others he worked with EMDR. He said that since 'control' was such a HUGE part of my need to feel safe, that instead of pushing through when I got flooded we needed to stop, back off, find a way for me to get safe again, and contain that memory. Pushing through, he said, was pushing me to suicidal places.
SO.. after a lot of talking we are doing the following:
We start Tuesday with EMDR but not to target a trauma. He wants to do a "resource" EMDR, asking me to find a memory which made me feel safe and protected. (anomalies in my life) and have those associated with my hero- in this case, that would be my brother. The idea is to give me feelings of safety and protection and ultimately to bring my brother into the trauma memories to "stop" them. Not certain how that is going to work but we will see.
We will also be doing a "three in a row" and line it up on a weekend so that we can both meet and he isn't out surfing (without his charger). In other words, I have the weekend off and can recoup and he can be close by and available in case I get into a bad place. The promise still being that institutionalization would be a last resort: he is NOT a fan and feels it would result in MORE trauma (again my need for control)
He was clear that this is not what he necessarily WANTS to do at this point (and made it clear as well that it is still my decision to move forward) but given the flashbacks, the fact that I have a pending court date next week and my anxiety and the trauma associated with that, and that I have some safeties built in (Ativan for when things REALLY go sideways, my trust in my therapist finally, and the medical marijuana lozenges for the panic attacks- say what you will those actually work and don't leave me medicine headed or sleepy) it's time.
I am nervous about it but then again I am really in a state of complete anxiety over next week anyway. There is STILL the possibility that my abuser may make the flight out here to fight the restraining order. I am just terrified of how this is all going to work out.
The final kicker for the day was getting a text from my daughter of her hand with an IV drop with the caption "sick and gross"(referring to the IV itself). And of course, NO ONE is answering the phone (including her) telling me what is going on.
I am grateful I have a good therapist but right now my anxiety level is so incredibly stupidly high. I'm worried I might actually be finding the limits of what I can endure.
Once I finally got myself together I went to work where I had to deal with writing up one of my employees. I was so intensely intimidated I almost couldn't call him in to talk to him about it. I kept my voice low and quiet and he did the same- so at least there was that. He's appealing my decision, of course. As soon as he left I dissolved into tears.
Immediately following that I got a text from my future daughter in law that I should call my son. My son had just returned to finish out AIT after being sent home for a stress fracture. While he was home he had a suicide attempt and was diagnosed with PTSD- the result of his step-dad's abuse (and the reason I have PTSD as well)Needless to say, I immediately knew something was amiss. I spoke with him on my way to therapy(yes while riding a bike). He was in the mental ward again but not for an attempt. He got triggered and had a panic attack. When he told his CO they sent him over. They are going to give him a medical discharge and told him that he could go back to finish out his training next year after he passes a psych eval. I was thrilled for him and pointed out that this made it just a minor set back. Turns out that his dad was not quite as supportive and told him he "Blew it" Needless to say any feelings of concern I had for his dad went right out the window.
SO… when I walked in to therapy, I was in quite a state.
One thing I wanted to know was WHY my brain started with the flashbacks. Why NOW?
We talked at length about the fact that I had another flashback- a different one. He feels that my stress over dealing with this employee, who is in a tiny way, physically like my ex and a somewhat intimidating figure, triggered me - even though I wasn't actively thinking about the fact that I was going to have to deal with him that day.
My therapist felt that the multiple flashbacks (absent flashbacks? I mean no idea that we are in 2014) and the fact that there are two different ones means that we really need to start EMDR sooner rather than later. IE, we opened pandora's box, stopped long enough to get me stabilized and now I can't hold the box closed anymore. (hence all of my new symptoms) He went back over my therapy history and we talked through some things that had changed since we started working together. One thing he noted, with great surprise, was that we dove in to EMDR so quickly. Our second session, he said. He noted that I had not brought up my dad's abuse at that time. He also realized that I was a bit different and needed a different approach from others he worked with EMDR. He said that since 'control' was such a HUGE part of my need to feel safe, that instead of pushing through when I got flooded we needed to stop, back off, find a way for me to get safe again, and contain that memory. Pushing through, he said, was pushing me to suicidal places.
SO.. after a lot of talking we are doing the following:
We start Tuesday with EMDR but not to target a trauma. He wants to do a "resource" EMDR, asking me to find a memory which made me feel safe and protected. (anomalies in my life) and have those associated with my hero- in this case, that would be my brother. The idea is to give me feelings of safety and protection and ultimately to bring my brother into the trauma memories to "stop" them. Not certain how that is going to work but we will see.
We will also be doing a "three in a row" and line it up on a weekend so that we can both meet and he isn't out surfing (without his charger). In other words, I have the weekend off and can recoup and he can be close by and available in case I get into a bad place. The promise still being that institutionalization would be a last resort: he is NOT a fan and feels it would result in MORE trauma (again my need for control)
He was clear that this is not what he necessarily WANTS to do at this point (and made it clear as well that it is still my decision to move forward) but given the flashbacks, the fact that I have a pending court date next week and my anxiety and the trauma associated with that, and that I have some safeties built in (Ativan for when things REALLY go sideways, my trust in my therapist finally, and the medical marijuana lozenges for the panic attacks- say what you will those actually work and don't leave me medicine headed or sleepy) it's time.
I am nervous about it but then again I am really in a state of complete anxiety over next week anyway. There is STILL the possibility that my abuser may make the flight out here to fight the restraining order. I am just terrified of how this is all going to work out.
The final kicker for the day was getting a text from my daughter of her hand with an IV drop with the caption "sick and gross"(referring to the IV itself). And of course, NO ONE is answering the phone (including her) telling me what is going on.
I am grateful I have a good therapist but right now my anxiety level is so incredibly stupidly high. I'm worried I might actually be finding the limits of what I can endure.
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