My Spouse's Suicide - New To The World Of Ptsd.

[Justmehere]

My roommate died because he lost his battle against depression. Not because of me or anyone else. It has taken me some time to understand this.

After my roommate died, for awhile I blamed myself in so many ways. If only I had listened more, if only I had not complained about the dishes, if only... There was a lot of ways I blamed myself. It was partly my attempt to make sense and gain some sense of control over the pain and confusion.

I have a family friend who teaches crisis counseling, and she came back from teaching at an international conference on suicide, and a week later her own husband committed suicide. Even though she was trained to help stop suicide - even she couldn't stop him! It wasn't her fault either.

When I was suicidal, I was really depressed and overwhelmed with my own pain, I was stressed about life, but it was still my choice. I was responsible for what I did, not anyone else. Not anyone who stressed me out or said horrible things to me.

No matter what you think you did to cause this, it's not your fault.

No one can say if he left that stuff in the computer on purpose or not. It's possible he could have done it one purpose. He may have blamed you in his note, or said he was upset because you found that stuff but that's the depression talking -- it's not truth. The bottom line remains, it wasn't your fault. He was acting out of his symptoms. (What he was doing online may have been another symptom of him trying to the pain he was in.) Whatever he did online, he did that. Not you.

It might seem like he would not have killed himself if you had not found that stuff online, but if he was ready to go so far and commit suicide, something else would have likely happened somewhere sometime and he would have done it anyhow.

My roommate actually made a first attempt and failed and lived. It was only a few weeks later when something else happened and he did it again and died.

People say things that hurt in relationships a lot. It's not a great thing to do, but we all do it and it doesn't make his death your fault. He still was responsible for managing himself, not you. If he didn't like living with you, he had options and he had so many other choices other than suicide! You didn't kidnap him.

This isn't your fault. I know this is very hard to believe and it's ok if you don't believe it yet. As much as you can, please don't take responsibility for his choices.

I do not think someone who was a good man would want you to blame yourself. Try to honor his memory by not blaming yourself.

 

[RussH]

He would not have done it if I would have never found that stuff. My question is, did he leave it to be found, or was it an accident??

I do not agree that he would not have done it if you had not found those things. Don't blame yourself for his actions. Both of you made some mistakes, and things were said; that happens. But there had to be much more to it for him to take such drastic action.
So, don't put guilt on yourself for something you did not do.

 

[RussH]

I was awful to him the night before and the day of. I said very hurtful things because I was mad

Kooksmom, did you love him? Did he know you loved him? I suspect the answer to these two questions is yes. You may have said some hurtful things, but if the sum of your relationship is the fact that you loved him, and he knew it; that really is enough.

I don't know why he did this, but I do know you cannot allow it to wreck your life with all the what ifs that come up.

 

[Kooksmom]

I loved him with all my heart. And I will love him forever! It was not the first marriage for either if us, but we were together for 10 years and have a beautiful daughter.
I met him when I worked in labor and delivery. He did anesthesia, and I was a unit coordinator. He had to quit working about 5 years into our marriage because he was losing his eyesight. I knew this going into the marriage and he never accepted staying at home. We tried numerous ways to keep him entertained, but he was too stubborn to do them. Then about a year ago he lost his only son from a previous marriage. He died of a heart attack. They had had a falling out the year before and had not spoke. He never really mourned his loss. Then last summer he went to check the mail and his yorkie followed him outside and he didn't see her and we lost her for good. The loss of his puppy that he had had for 13 years was harder on him than anything. He never got over it. The last year was not good. The week before he took his life we had a family meeting, I found out one of my sisters was getting a divorce and we all sat down and talked about how we know things have been rough but we loved each other and divorce was not going to happen. I have been looking back and there were so many signs but he was so strong I never in a thousand years would have imagined

 

[Tinyflame]

@Kooksmom , I am so sorry that is horrific. I think if he had the chance he would regret what he did as much as you regret the last night/ day. He would hope for you to forgive him one day if possible but especially to forgive yourself. It is never someone's fault. Someone who is not suicidal would not react to anything with thinking suicide is an option. It is, as they describe, like emotional cancer. No more your fault than diabetes or cancer or heart disease would be.

My mom once said, "too sensitive for this world". If anything, the years you stood by him & loved him probably added 10 years to his life. Suicide is rarely a rash thought but a very, very, very long (& lonely) battle .

I hope that you can find some healing & peace here. Hugs for you if that's ok.

 

[Springer80]

Suicide is rarely a rash thought but a very, very, very long (& lonely) battle .

I was awful to him the night before and the day of.

My aunt 's second husband who was so lovely (her first husband was a selfish idiot), had a heart condition and a pacemaker. They had only been married five or six years as they met in their mid fifties. They knew they were on borrowed time.

The day before he died they had had some sort of disagreement/argument.

It must be very hard knowing the last exchange you had was not one which reflected how you actually felt.
The thing is you never know when stuff like this is going to happen. You live in the moment and in that moment you were angry.

 

[Springer80]

we all sat down and talked about how we know things have been rough but we loved each other and divorce was not going to happen.

That's how you both really felt.[DOUBLEPOST=1404458662,1404458475][/DOUBLEPOST]I'm in the UK and I saw a documentary once on a specialist bereavement programme for kids who had a lost a family member to suicide. It was like a residential thing and the remaining immediate family and the little ones could go. The kids would do workshops about grief and the adults had time with each other.

I'll see if I can find it. Maybe there is something similar where you are?

 

[RussH]

I have been looking back and there were so many signs but he was so strong I never in a thousand years would have imagined

Dear lady, you have given many reasons that lead up to his suicide; again I will say that your fight did not cause him to take this final step. And I am glad to hear you say you loved him, and he knew it. This is what you need to focus on; the ten plus years of love you gave him, and enriched his life. Your fight needs to just be a tiny footnote in your histoy with him. The main story, the important fact is the love you shared together.

 

[Kooksmom]

I need advice for my child. She told me today that she is "broken". We both cried for about 30 minutes after, but at least she talked about it. Today was the first time. She is a teenager. If you have any suggestions on how to go about helping her I would appreciate them. Thanks

 

[RussH]

Kooksmom Find her a good counsellor. I am assuming she is broken because of her father's suicide? If that is the case, a good counsellor can do her wonders. The counselor can help her understand her father's suicide

Other than that the two of you are off to a good start. She needs to know she can come to you and talk, and help her understand that her dad's decision was his decision, and his responsibility. I don't know, but I am guessing that she is trying to take some of the blame for her dad's death (that's pretty typical) but mostly love her and let her know how much you value her.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I do not know what country that you are in Kooksmom but stateside there exist grieving support groups for teens such as:
http://hospicefoundation.org/ " Living with Grief®: Helping Adolescents Cope with Loss" with webinars
http://www.griefshare.org/ that help the family find the right group and chapter for your area

as well our host -Anthony has an stages of grief article within the forum that will assist with valuable information on the cycle of emotions that will continue through the next two years. I do not mean to sound clinical, I just know what assisted me as well as therapy for a loss of a love one. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my, well that is a good thing, & I think a good thing to be able to cry together, for her to not just see you as strong but relate & express that you are feeling the same. As long as she doesn't have to hide it to feel she needs to for you to be strong.

Grief is actually quite similar across ages, but she is likely to have no understanding or support at school, even from the teachers. The difference is that children express it differently. And have added unexpressed fears, such as what would happen if something happened to you? It might be helpful if (even subtly) you can reassure her of such things. Or when the time is right have such a conversation. How old is she? I know you said you were together with your H for 10 years.

I know hospice/ palliative care often has grief support, & will touch on suicide. Unfortunately I find them frightening lacking in exposure & common sense sometimes. I remember hearing one director say the artwork from the children after suicide was 'disturbing'. Of course it is, that's "normal" within the context. This is impossible for adults to wrap their head around, let alone children. A range of emotions is normal. And anger & hurt are the same emotion expressed in different ways .If there are any activities she likes or ways of expression (sports, dance, art, music etc). I would gently encourage those. Perhaps even a pet.

If you can remember what you felt like as a child, that helps. Anger & extreme & unexpected grief, sorrow & loss (all feeling bottomless) -such profound sorrow. I would not be surprised if she feels like "why was she not worth it?" (staying alive for). I would emphasize the illness component of deep depression, that he loved you & her completely & tried but made a faulty decision in a moment of extreme illness & pain.

If I think of anything or find something I'll write. Ron Rolheiser has some good articles on that, for adults at least. I'm so very sorry. One day at a time, @Kooksmom . One minute/ second even. Hugs for you.