Uncover Repressed Memories

[Smile]

Can someone please give me a technique I can try at home, alone to try uncovering memories?

I know all the speeches about having to be in a place of safety before my mind can feel safe enough to remember but I'm feeling too helpless these days.

I just want to feel as though in proactively doing something. Please???

Even if you don't agree with the treatment... Just let me be the judge of that.

Please. I can't stand it anymore.

 

[shimmerz]

@Smile what is happening to you that you can't stand anymore? I am not backing away from the original question but feel that I need more information before I can respond.

Love and Light,
Shimmerz

 

[KwanYingirl]

You don't sound grounded. I am of the opinion that you need a guide, as in a trauma therapist, to help you with this process. Someone has to assess your safety who is not in emotion mind. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but I am concerned for you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

May I ask how you know there are repressed memories? I am in my own journey of uncovering repressed memories, but until about 8 months ago, I had no idea that I had repressed memories. Do you have fragments and want to get the rest of the memory?

 

[franciemarnie]

If you are looking for release and relief of PTSD symptoms, forcing memories up (if there is such a thing) when your body and brain are not ready to let them go, will only increase your pain and discomfort. You won't get the natural trauma release needed without being readied.

I tried many years ago because I thought it would let out the unbearable pressure inside. Instead I was terribly triggered and sunk in despair for months. Remembering by digging into the past did nothing but make it worse. I needed to release the energy and I didn't know how. There were no magic bullets in remembering. I didn't get buried trauma. I retriggered myself with all that I already knew.

Do it with a T or you could make life much worse for you.

But I get the urgency. At least, I think I do. You can't stand the pain and discomfort. It's unbearable. I totally feel for you.

 

[Chava]

My memories, if there are any at all, don't come up if I force them, but only when I feel safe. So yes, I think better to work on with a therapist and have safety in place first...for most of us, the body will hold those memories locked away until it senses safety. I'm sorry I don't know any other techniques. I have bits of stuff, even if mostly representational, that come to me in dreams, which I can't help. But what I need more is the feeling okay in my body right now than details of memories...though I totally understand just wanting them now and assuming that clarity will end all of my struggles.

Sorry if my response sucks...you can disregard. But I'm sorry you're struggling and fed up, I can relate to that. I get really impatient sometimes and want my life to be different...now... For making sense of some stuff in a semi-safe way, outside of therapy, artwork is sometimes helpful for me (no trauma details come up, but I get a feeling for the age I am partially stuck at sometimes, the mess between me and my surroundings, etc)...but I often need someone to share it with or talk about it with if it will be useful.

I know it's not what you want to hear but last thing I want to do (or would recommend to anyone) when feeling "helpless" is try to dig up terrible, traumatic stuff from the past. What is the helplessness about? How do you think uncovering memories right now, alone, will help you feel more empowered? Do you have support right where you are if memories come up? Do you feel safe? How are you fed up...are you angry at yourself or impatient about recovery? (sorry for so many questions...you can answer or not...just some things I wondered as I read your note). Hugs...

 

[AlignUpABQ]

Oh, another important thing I learned that really helped, is to make sure you keep your brain in the present day. This is super simple, but when intense emotions and memories are coming up--take a stroll through your house. Count the lights in the room. Turn on the TV. I'm not saying to avoid these feelings, just show your brain that it's a different time (and place probably.)

 

[Hashi]

I understand you want to recover the memories, but I'm afraid I don't think you'll get anyone telling you how to force them. There's a reason for the speeches about learning safety and skills first.

I've forced a memory before I was ready, and how bad I felt before because I couldn't remember was nothing compared to how bad I felt when I did force the memory. If you could manage it, then I think you'd feel a thousand times more helpless. (I doubt my "technique" would help you - I was lucid dreaming, which I do naturally. I could never have done it by trying.)

The good news, though, is that the more skills you have the better you'll feel anyway. Working on skills is proactively doing something. In my experience it's the most important part of trauma work.

 

[Chava]

ditto @Hashi ...I can relate to wanting to be proactive and feeling like you aren't stuck. What kinds of things are you doing besides trying to get to the memories? Ex. for me...I feel very helpless in my body sometimes, so am working on some Pilates and core exercises with a teacher one-on-one and I DO feel stronger physically and emotionally. Also, working on upping my positive experiences day to day, finding new music I like, trying new things, etc. I feel very proactive. I don't have my history all ironed out, but my present is definitely moving forward most of the time.

then again, I'm doing more SE/body therapy stuff, where details of memory aren't as important as helping the body find resolution. Have you tried trauma-focused body stuff? I know "talk" therapy sometimes made me feel worse because I felt stuck, like I didn't have the language or memory to have a conversation anymore. For me a body-centered therapy feels more proactive because some days my body does go towards a trauma memory while others I need calm and finding that in my body...so it's about listening to my body, regulating the process, and always moving out of feeling "stuck" but without having to feel like everything is simultaneously resolved (if that makes any sense).

 

[Justmehere]

Pushing to remember can in some cases lead to development of new problems - some of which others mention.

Why the pressure to remember it all now? I can think of a million possible and very legit reasons why, including to feel like you have a reason to feel like you do, fear of more abuse occurring, fear of what it all means, etc. If you can identify the reason why you "can't stand" not knowing, there may be other more effective ways to address everything you are feeling and experiencing now than trying to push the memory to come.

 

[Smile]

Thank you all for your kind responses. Although you didn't give me what I wanted to hear, you all understand the emotion behind my question and that means SO MUCH. I will answer each of you separately as it's too much to answer all at once.

 

[Smile]

@shimmerz

I've been seeing a great T for 2-3 months now. He's helped me a lot in getting me somewhat out of my previous & deeper "funk".

But our last session which was last week just made me so angry. I felt the anger before I went into the session... I knew the headspace I was in was not conducive. I was feeling like this was all just a waste of money.

When in session, I was argumentative. I am not usually like that. I normally allow my rational mind to rule. But this time my emotions won over. I told him that I need to know what happened to me, who did this to me, why I am where I am. And he asked me, "what if you found out your 4th grade teacher molested you. Than what?" My response was that I could then take apart those memories, smells, actions, ect. And attribute them to my current day triggers and that way logically understand what's going on and work it out from there. But he said it doesn't work that way. That 2 people can have the exact same experience and have very different responses. Because my current fears are not only from one singular experience but from a lifetime. This made me mad. Or helpless. Probably the second one :)

I just can't handle finding new triggers every day and having to spend so much time figuring out how to deal with each one. It feels never ending :(