At What Point Will I Be Able To Integrate Me And Not-me

[KwanYingirl]

I have complex PTSD. I know my sexual abuse stared at age four ended age twelve. I was treated very poorly by my parents, mother in denial of alcoholic brutal father.

When I left home at 17, I created a new identity. I maintained that identity as my true personality and stuffed everything from childhood.

When my therapist asks questions about a young version of me or asks how old I feel if I'm anxious I say it was NotMe.

What's it going to take for me to integrate my child and my adult me. Is it safer to stay split? Are there actually theraputic processes that target this goal? What is the payoff if I succeed ?

 

[Chava]

Do you have any good memory? A thing you did? A place you loved or felt safe? For example, I loved my Grandpa's farm. I was free to explore and create my own adventures, build relationships with cows, and when I came in I got hugs from these people. It was warm, fun, adventurous, full of nature. Unwittingly, I bought my first house and realized I had sort of created that slightly wild, natural and quiet space for myself. My younger self would have dreamed of this house. So I suppose she helped me pick it out. Music has stayed constant (why quitting the symphony now feels like a personality is about to break apart). But for other things, it's just things I loved, or places I loved. I collected rocks, and still display pretty rock and minerals around my home. If you have anything like that? It doesn't have to connect to relationships, but anything that was all yours? A game, a hobby, a collection, a skill you enjoyed, books, animals you liked....?????

I feel split in some ways, too, but feel like I have a lot of my good childhood in me....my problem is those were all isolated experiences where I was alone and safe. But there I had my spirit or a self...and so I have this now, as an adult, and find it to be quite lonely. So even if we can integrate stuff, it's hard to control what parts....I loved that solitary nature-loving girl. But as a grown-up. I want more.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I do remember living next to a dairy farm and spending lots of time there. There are too many triggers about thinking of that house of horrors, but I understand what you're getting at. I have no sustaining memories, just fear and humiliation. That may be one of the reasons I start at 17-when I left home and started my new life free from all that.

She must have some nice thoughts I just can't get to them.

 

[Chava]

Sorry for all she/you lost. even if you can't find any good thoughts or memories do you work on having compassion for her, even if she feels like a separate not-you person?

 

[Springer80]

I think you have to keep talking about it. Why is your NotMe not you. Why wasn't she then?
What traits did Notme have? What did she do? Why did she think the decisions she made where good ones?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don't know how I did it, but I just don't feel connected to a childhood. I have her memories. My therapist tells me, at times that I am dissociated and then in a panic, to talk to her. Tell her I'm the adult and will protect her. Then pick her up and put her in a papoose on my back.

So often I feel unable to even protect myself. Somehow I just sliced her out of my consciousness. To answer your questions I think she was sweet and terrified. She liked writing poems. I don't see her playing. I see family tormenting her.she played marbles really well and won people's marbles at recess. She collected baseball cards, but I don't remember feeling any of that. I have the visuals but no connection.

Are there any exercises to span the gap? Should I ask my therapist to talk about this? I know whatever happened to split her off was done to protect my psyche from complete collapse. I'd like to integrate her or me or however this process works.

 

[Springer80]

she played marbles really well

She sounds like a cute kid. :shy::hug::hug:

 

[Springer80]

I like the sound of marbles, and the fact they looked like jewels and sweets at the same time. Were you proud of yourself for being good at marbles?

 

[KwanYingirl]

If I have a flashback at therapy instead of staying present, I can hear myself saying it's NotMe. It is me. I guess a first step would be to stop referring to her as NotMe. It's certainly not serving me or her to be so stubborn.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don't feel her feelings. I have to assume that she felt proud to win at marbles. I wonder what ever happened to them. It's highly probable that they were taken away by my mother of father.

 

[Springer80]

Are there any exercises to span the gap? Should I ask my therapist to talk about this?

Yeah I think you should talk to your T. Of course there will be times when it breaks you heart at how much you/she was just left to defend herself. But that's the point, it was and is heart-breaking.

I'm sure there are exercises and maybe your T can help with that. Personally I feel like its trying to create love with a 'to do ' list. But in a way allowing time for it and consciously deciding you will broach the topic is an exercise.

 

[Springer80]

I can hear myself saying it's NotMe

So that phrase comes out of your subconscious. I have one of those and it says 'Leave me alone'.