Not Suicidal, But Want To Hurt

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have had issues of self-harm over the last year. I have been on a really good streak with nothing serious happening (by my standards) in the last two months. I have been struggling lately. I thought I was starting to pull out of it. But I just got back from a therapy session about an hour ago and I know there is an internal struggle going on. (I have dissociative identity disorder.) I know there is a ton of sadness and I know that there is a powerful urge to cut. I have unconsciously been picking scabs and I am scared that that part is going to take over and cut. My therapist is not available to help me tonight and I am alone for at least another hour. Trying to keep myself distracted.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't have anything brilliant to say, but I've been in that "urge" state often too lately. Are you somewhere you could go out for a short walk? Sometimes a total environment change helps.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Maybe. I am not sure if I can go outside right now, but maybe I can do it.

 

[joeylittle]

I always find it helpful; but it's not a trigger-y thing for me.

Any self-soothing work for you? I think tea works for me just because it takes a long time to drink it. Plus I like tea.

 

[anthony]

I would absolutely go for something that distracts you at this point. Distraction has relevance under such circumstances. Find anything to distract you... walk, play a game, phone someone for a chat, so forth.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I tried the walk. It was okay at first and then I got scared. I hate the taste of tea. I am afraid of the the telephone. I can't seem to think of anything else to do. Maybe vacuum.

 

[anthony]

Vacuum is fine... it is a distraction.

 

[KwanYingirl]

JEK, good thinking with the vacuum. It's so hard to pull it out and then once the floors look spiffy, well it elevates your mood.

I also had therapy today and I told him I was too dissociative to get anything done. I complain that I am losing huge chunks of time and am generally irritable. I stayed. He thanked me for coming. Then it was twenty questions until aha! He figures out the trigger. It was the pervert client I had and the real clincher of the whole dissociation was that I saw him taking a video of me working on him while his erection was dancing around. It triggered a memory of my step grandfather taking pornographic photos of me and so if course I just want to cut and get that acid out of me.

I agreed to consider two sessions a week and I agreed to write a synopsis of the days btx sessions. I am limiting them to one page a day. I am worried that I will switch back and forth from writing in first person and third person.

 

[joeylittle]

How's it going? Hope the vacuuming helped somewhat.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I agreed to consider two sessions a week and I agreed to write a synopsis of the days btx sessions.

Does that mean you'll write about the days when you're not having therapy? I didn't know what btx meant. I journal a lot. I write down a synopsis of my day every day, but I love to write and the words flow so effortlessly onto the page that it often takes me an hour or more.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I vacuumed until my family returned. Then I put my kids to bed and then I chatted with my husband. I just revealed to my husband for the first time that I have dissociative identity disorder and that I was sexually abused as a child. He took it all in stride and says it helps him understand me better. I don't feel like I am in such turmoil either. I feel relief. I hope it lasts.

 

[joeylittle]

I just revealed to my husband for the first time that I have dissociative identity disorder and that I was sexually abused as a child.

That's a phenomenal step forward. Seriously, well done. It's amazing how being in crisis can lead to really positive change; I think it's a testament to the strength of the individual to do so. You are strong.