Has Anyone Felt That They Will Be Normal Again And Be Like Non-abused Adults?

[J_trustno1]

After all that abuse, I feel I will never be what a non-abused adult be like. Certain things, crticism, negative comment and thinking about future gets me.

I feel I am broken and something like intimacy will never be part of my life because every time a male friend without any non-sexual intentions hugs me, i freeze and become stiff. I feel that i will never have a relationship and if I do it will end badly in a divorce because I will not let the guy near me.

When people are nice to me, I automatically trust them until they hurt me and then I automatically withdraw from them and avoid them like a plague. Then that trust is lost and I start feeling that this world is full of predators.

I am very biased towards my own culture and I feel that hate will never go away, it will probably take a life time to go away.

I feel that I will always be the broken goods. I know that I can achieve my academic goals, career goals, fitness goals but I feel my relationships will disastrous because the word "family" feel full of hate and distrust.

 

[BlueOrange]

It's hard. Some things do take a very long time to go away. Other things seem that way, and then the right circumstances come along, and things change. I think it's pretty safe to say that right now, you're in the wrong circumstances, and you have no reason to believe that they'll change.

One thing that helped me is to learn to trust people part-way. Instead of trusting them 'completely' or 'not at all', I trust them 'to look out for themselves' or 'to try to help, even if it almost never works' or 'to try to help, and get it right most of the time'. By having a lot more settings on my 'trust dial' (I guess you could call it that), I have a smoother experience than I used to.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm starting to feel *normal* again, but then when I really start to think about it, I realize I don't want to really be normal! Ok, I understand what you're saying in that you don't want to have all these hang-ups that non-PTSD people don't have. I have often felt that way myself. I am meeting new people who love me and accept me just as I am. They understand what my struggles are and care about me nonetheless. I think that I am moving in the right direction because my frame of mind for what "normal" is happens to be shifting. I love that I'm starting to accept my quirks and not even be bothered by the things which used to heavily weigh on my mind. I think its a good sign that instead of trying to be normal like everyone else I now realize that I can love myself and accept myself even though I'm not like everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to be able to function normally, and have emotions that are in a more normal range.

I see all of the things that you're struggling with and I was very much in that place a few years ago. I want to say that yes, it does get better over time if you actively work on your healing. Please don't lose hope! Do you know how great it is that you're able to look at your own life and see your own shortcomings? So many people out there can't or won't do that. You are, and that is great because that's an important step in getting better. I encourage you to push yourself forward in little ways, as its the little ways that add up over time and can overall amount to big changes.

Maybe next time a guy friend hugs you, you can do a bit of self talk such as "he is my friend and he cares about me so he wouldn't hurt me" or "I am ok as this is just a hug and doesn't mean anything other than being a friendly gesture". In terms of your own culture, when you catch yourself being biased, maybe it would help to recognize where those feelings come from. Perhaps tell yourself that you feel this way *right now* because of hurtful or abusive things done to you by others of your culture.

I think positive things can happen for you in terms of relationships. Its horrible how these negative thoughts have been pounded into our heads for so long that we now have horrible thoughts about ourselves. Sometimes its a matter of doing reality checks, ie checking in with others and seeing if our thoughts about ourselves are in line with what our friends think. Sometimes it helps to do a little ACT, which in many ways is in opposition to CBT in that ACT says that instead of changing our thoughts, we should let them just flow right in and out of our heads and pay them no heed. I obsess a lot, so its a toss up as to whether changing my thoughts will work or letting them just pass me on by is better. The therapist who taught me ACT also said that I was fighting too much and that I just needed to take a break from fighting my symptoms all the time. It turns out that she was right. Well, maybe none of this will work for you, but these are a few things that have helped me along the way.

I think you have a strong desire to get better, or else you wouldn't even be here. That's HUGE because that desire will drive you forward and keep you working on your healing.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Solara : wow, that is very very well written. Thanks for giving me some positive hope. I am starting to believe that I am not as dumb as I have always felt about myself because I am seeing so many proofs about my abilities. However, the fear of relationships, my culture and men are the hardest to let go. Yes, you are very right about what you've said about constantly fighting with those thoughts and that really doesn't help. Around this time last year, I was in worst position in my life and comparing what i was like last year, I feel I have come a bit far, now it's a matter of hardwork and starting to accept myself the way I am other than being my own enemy.
Thanks a lot for your input :)

 

[scout86]

I feel I will never be what a non-abused adult be like.

That part of what you said is something I accept as being true. The life I've had, up to now, is the only one I have the chance to experience and always will be. Up to now. From now on, I have more to say about things. My thought, going forward, is that life doesn't have to be "normal" to be good.

@BlueOrange and @Solara both have good points. So do you, when you look back and acknowledge your progress. You've got more things that you want to work on and you know what they are. You have a track record of accomplishing the things you set out to do, so I'd be really surprised if you didn't work your way through the relationship stuff as well. Hang in there!

 

[J_trustno1]

@scout86 : Thanks for your reply and supporting me.

@Solara : Omg, you have helped me a lot in your message. You know I've had so much trouble with CBT and it felt as if I could never manage my thoughts the way they are trying to teach me with CBT. I've researched on ACT you have referred me to and I have read about it. After reading it, I am actually convinced that that it is the technique that will help me manage my dwelling on the past and thinking negative about the future. It talks exactly about what my struggle is and thank you so much for saving me so much time. I am definitely going to work on ACT because that is more promising because it's really hard to repress your feelings and emotions. Thanks for your kindness and I'm sorry if I have hurt you.

@BlueOrange : Thanks a lot for your input too and pointing out some of the ways to see things differently. I'll try your approach as well :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm glad that the ACT seems to be something that you'll be able to use and that it will help you! These thoughts in our heads can be SO hard to get a hold of. I am sorry, too, if I hurt you.

 

[Ronin]

Normal, we *are*. Even if it doesn't *feel* like it.

Like non-abused people? Sometimes I wonder. But I don't think I'd change that. My history is battles I've won, and battles I've lost but pulled through, and then those I learned I can leave be without it being a cowardice. I don't know what experience of someone not me would be like, but I learned to appreciate something in being me.

I tend to worry about socializing more, not being able to convey experience via words, relatability. Don't think it's the same as wishing to be w/o my history.