Has anyone felt an 'awakening' of a part?

[Marvel545]

I'm Marvel, 26, PTSD from multiple traumas, mainly my Moms death, witnessing an abusive relationship over 5 years as a child & bullying when I was 6.

The past 24 hours have been bizarre to me. I feel like a part of me has woken up. I've maladaptive daydreamed for a long time, but have managed to stop that about 2 months ago. I thought that was the only dissociative type symptom I had, but I think I'm wrong.

Yesterday it was like I woke up. Like a part of me took over that hasn't been there for a long time. I'm currently doing T & we covered some stuff that was really beneficial, so I think it's part of the healing process.

I'm always aware of where I am & what I'm doing to an extent, but if I was in a car, I'd have been the passenger, not the driver.

I feel quite scared, because it's like I've woken up after 8 years. I still can't remember most of my childhood.

Has anyone else been through this?

 

[Skywatcher]

Sort of, ??‍. Mine is usually emdr induced... only these inner children kind of stick around. I’m still mostly running stuff and aware, but my decisions, emotions and reactions seem to be as if I allowed a child or teenager to control them... only, I didn’t “let” it happen, it just did and later I will come out of a fog and realize how “off” I was.

When I am with my T, I speak about these younger parts the way I feel about them, as though they are fully present and real. T has even spoken to them both indirectly and directly. Last week, she reminded me that my younger self can do the tapping along with me while I am stressed. We have talked about how my teen part really doesn’t trust her and is angry because she only seems to care about my younger part.

I think bringing these parts out is part of our healing. My younger part is in the process of being parented the way I would have wished it to be, after my big trauma. My t sort of transfers into the role of mom, and it really helps.

 

[Marvel545]

@Skywatcher I can completely relate to that, I feel exactly the same, I guess it was just talking therapy that brought it on.

I still feel as though part of me is locked away in a vault, I'm going to name that part Gringotts.

 

[Swift]

Yeah, I definitely know what it's like when a part "emerges" - a bit scary with a huge side of WTF for me.
And I get the driving metaphor!
Mine is a ship, and sometimes it gets a bit "Jesus take the wheel" in there...
Hang in there.

Your parts will only emerge when they feel safe enough to do so. It's...hugely uncomfortable, but it's a good thing for your recovery.

 

[Marvel545]

After being quite terrified last night, I feel better today.

I get it @Swift its new to me that I have parts, but I can see why I do.

I'm going to use Harry Potter world as a metaphor to describe mine, Harry Potter is a safe place that also reminds me of my Mom,!

 

[MyWillow]

Yes it’s scary isn’t it but as @Swift said they come out when they feel safe. I have had one come out in a T session, very scared, very childlike. I was aware but definitely a back seat driver - I felt like my only job was to desperately search for words. For me they come out in flashbacks too. Confronting much. And VERY STRONG thoughts that are not mine.

Whilst I haven’t talked in depth with my psydoc about parts she has, right from the start, acknowledged them when I’ve described symptoms and strongly encouraged me to reassure the WHOLE body that I, the adult self, will take charge and take care of it now. To wrap my arms around myself, stroke my arms like I would my cats and dogs and tell the body “I am listening, you are safe now”. Very important.

 

[grit]

Marvel,

I am envious of you!

I am about 20 years older than you and when I was your age, I was so diffused with my parts, if you ever mentioned such a thing, I would have cut you off my life forever - the protective part was that strong! how dare you challenge my amazing everyday functional self?

You are lucky man if you are doing this kind of work today. If I was a clairvoyance, I would say, the future is bright if you keep going his rate of healing and or exploring. I am not only undoing childhood complex issues but adult side that kept them hidden for 30yrs.

I had come to face to face two parts in therapy: panic side and comatose side (dissociated that feels like who cares I am dead already). Because within an hour, I swinged through panic, normal, to comatose, I WOKE to them. It was jarring, confusing, my language was childish under panic, normal,and then no language in comatose. It was truly a frightening experience.

I can only speak for myself but since I woke up to them, I have been in a state of absolute bliss AND other parts that are much closer to my core (that are so hard to extract) are poking. I have since list few more parts that in the past I thought were me - my real character - all or nothing sort of way. Now I can see they are just parts attached to the core - I do not know what my core is!!!! still digging this deep well.

One thing I have become conscious of is this: be kind to each side/part. Talk to them ask what they like or want. I am finding that becoming aware of a side means, it is a side/part not full of me so that means, I have to nurture it so it can rest for good and be integrated to the core (that deep place I am protecting --- maybe that is just life). From my own experience, the parts are coming up as newly created to old/primitive ones. Meaning the latest issues are the ones that show up and the deeper you go, the more primitive and closer to the heart they are - and harder to heal them. Whenever you feel, but that is me, there is no way I could change that...that is a very very strong part that has some power...

So it is possible your maladaptive dreaming side is very much on the top of the core and now you can see colours and you are present and may find, gosh what else you were avoiding since you have had these blinds.


Be kind to yourself. It is a rough road ahead but you are already at the gate.

 

[Marvel545]

Thankyou @grit that was very enlightening.

I took a lot from you saying to be kind with your different parts, are there any specific techniques that help you do that?

I feel angry at the part that’s been driving for the past 8 years & I don’t think that’s good!

It really was a bizarre experience. I feel as though my other parts are stirring a bit. I feel like I’m going backwards in time to discover myself.

 

[grit]

I do not have any particular thing I do but I am conscious to be present and feel why are they coming up now? and also I believe (my belief) that in order to heal is to become fully conscious. Trauma is protective phase a way to avoid anything so one can survive. When a part comes out, it means to me I am feeling safe or I am ready to live again or experience true creativity - one area that got blunted for me.

You will have to find what resonates with you.

For me I need to live. I am no longer there under my mother's thump and I lived 30 yrs away from her so I am so motivated to see what life is like without having all these parts floating around looking for a place to land.

it is like the movie ghost. The spirits do not rest until their problems are solved. Parts are working hard until accepted, loved, and taken them seriously by the core - the healthy part that actually hid really good during the trauma.

You are here so that is good. You are already thinking about this. that is good. the being angry for sleeping for 8yrs can be looked at it differently and can be changed to being grateful you are waking up! or noticing you have been sleep. These are huge. it takes years for many people to get that even. some never! Count your blessing.

If you see yourself more angry at the parts, that just means, you probably have a very strong angry part that is up for a war because he is being ignored. Just imagine you a little boy angry at the atrocity happening all over you and you are unable to do anything. Just imagine that little boy...why would you be angry at him today?

 

[ILoveLife]

I had an awakening of parts. Several. It was almost delusional. Was scared as hell, with this great feeling inside. Hard to explain.

Ever since, I've had parts appear in different ways and introduce themselves but not with the same level of intensity.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yep. My parts (non-DID) all awakened one at a time as I went through with telling my trauma to my therapist. The angry protective one first. The "inner child" part that I feel often today was last.

 

[hithere]

Thankyou @grit t
It really was a bizarre experience. I feel as though my other parts are stirring a bit. I feel like I’m going backwards in time to discover myself.

"Stirring" is exactly what I would call my experiences (to myself). Also, I too felt like "people" parts of me whatever you want to call it were completely "vaulted off." Your words are so similar to the ones I use. I never had a professional validate this experience, only to tell me I was wrong about it and not to think about myself that way--that caused me a lot of problems-- like a lot of problems. I ignored the professionals and just tried to "take care" of myself. While watching the animated movied "Beauty and the Beast" there is a scene in the castle on the first floor where everything looks so nice and pretty and then a terrible sound comes from "below" in the dungeon. I watched that and thought, wow, that is like how I'm built! I'm walking and living on top and ignoring that I have a dungeon and there are parts of me down there calling and crying or sitting in darkness, but I keep walking around all nice & perfect, like "no problems here. We all good. just ignore those hideous mournful howls you hear"