How Do You Live In This World?

[Notsowild]

I've been dealing with an overload of stress lately. I'm tense and irritable all the time. The slightest thing will send me into stress mode. I can't get this anxiety out of my body. I can't handle people at work. I know they don't care about me at all. They expect me to be like them and I'm not. I don't know how to play the game anymore. Too many strong, domineering and abusive personalities. I can't handle it anymore. I kept saying to myself " you can do this" over and over. But it's not working. I'm in stress overload and can't play this " game of life" anymore.

 

[bell]

First of all, unless someone comes up to you and says, "I don't like you," you have absolutely no idea whether they do or not. Just a suggestion, perhaps you don't care about them and are projecting?

Secondly, there really honestly is no game, unless you convince yourself there is. Some people will like you, some people won't. No game, just individuals being individual.

Thirdly, try doing one nice thing for you a day to bring a tiny bit of happiness your way. Walk barefoot in the grass. Buy nice bubble bath soap. Take a minute to think of a memory (and don't dare try and tell me there are none, either, think harder). Write a letter or email to just say "I'm thinking of you" to someone you haven't seen for awhile. Go watch dogs at the dog park. Watch a YouTube clip of a favorite comedian or bunnies riding bicycles or something. Spend 10 minutes reading ridiculous posts on Buzzfeed or Cute Overload. Whatever.

Telling yourself you don't get it just perpetuates the pity party (as you've called similar threads before) and gets you stuck in a negative cycle. Only you have the power to break that cycle. Only you can keep yourself locked within it.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

After reading your paragraph notsowild I can fully relate . I am too in this position with my work and family life, in fact n e ting and everything causes me undue stress nd I'm finding it difficult to cope with. After hving emdr yest nd speaking with my therapist there were obvious underlying anger issues I have to deal with which is the the root of my cptsd, look deeper into it I'm sure there will be done root problem. One of my colleagues is a control freak nd I have real problems with ppl like this due to my past , therefore I vent my anger to everyone but her as I still have lots to deal with in respect to my cpstd, when I'm in a better place hopefully il be able to deal with her in a professional manner. Also my t recommended t chai nd mindfulness which helps to switch off

 

[arfie]

I'm in stress overload and can't play this " game of life" anymore.

This feeling followed me into retirement. I still manage to find people and circumstances to blame it on, but I am getting quicker at spotting my own, personal blame game and shifting the focus to my own underlying issues. On my good days, anyway. Nothing easy about it, but the worthwhile challenges seldom are easy. Sigh. I kinda miss having co-workers and work to blame it on.

Gentle validation while you sort your own, Notsowild.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can really empathize with you, and I don't think that telling you to go take a bubble bath is going to help. This sounds like advice from someone who doesn't have PTSD or has a mild case of it. I do not, as I am to the point of questioning whether or not I will ever be able to go back to work as my system is INCREDIBLY sensitive and has been since I was a young child, and I am still at the mercy of this damn disorder. Its not about using those coping skills anymore. My system is literally on overdrive and I have to do something to reel it all in. I can't use *normal people* stress relievers as they don't even begin to touch it. I think at this point it truly is about lifestyle modification, and perhaps for you, it is the same. Remember, you have a serious disorder. Don't think that you have to be just like all the other normal people out there. You are you, and don't force yourself into being just like them as its a fruitless battle that you won't ever win. (That goes for everybody trying to be something they're not.) I don't see you as throwing a pity party, but this may be how you view yourself as you can't just pull yourself up by your boot straps like you perhaps think is expected of you.

 

[bell]

Hmm... I definitely don't think it's an issue of who has it worse than anyone else. I grew up hiding everything; there was no other way. I am an expert in lying about my flashbacks, a body that literally freezes up in fear, disassociation, depression, and sometimes debilitating anxiety.

To me, playing that game just holds people back, as when you put yourself on a sliding scale like that, if you're not careful you give yourself reasons to not get better, because you're "worse off." But everyone's different, so maybe that's just me.

As for saying one should do nice things for themselves... If we can't find joy in the tiniest of things, we will never find it in the biggest things; therefore, we have to start somewhere. There have been times in my past where that ritual literally saved me, as I forced myself to find joy despite my brain wanting to find negativity and horror and fear in the rest of the world. It has kept me from spiraling fast and hard and is easy to do and I stand by it firmly as a path to self care and improvement.

Edited to add: When I was first dealing with my diagnosis, words like the ones in the original post were definitely a phase I went through. However, I think it's a phase, which is important to remember, because that means it will (one day) end if you see it as a phase and not for eternity. For me, each new phase meant I was getting better, no matter how hard they were (and I had a setback this summer that kept me lying on the couch eating peanut butter from the jar with a spoon staring into space). Making the major mental shift that having PTSD is about various phases vs. being stuck in one gear (which I was before therapy for 30+ years) really helped me, especially during the times I wanted to end it all. It didn't make it all easier, but the perspective helped me grab onto the mast and hold tight knowing if I worked through it, there were better days ahead.)

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Something I wrote out for myself recently that I've found a little comforting was this:

Even though I’m not be as good at 'life' than others it doesn’t mean I deserve it any less. This is my own life and I deserve to live it in any way I choose and I don’t have to meet anyone else’s expectations or standards, I just have to be me which maybe isn't so bad.

Also something I read that I found helpful was this:

“You are meant to fight. When you are sick, your body fights for its right to function. When you hold your breath, your body fights for its right to breathe. There are billions of tiny events—from the surface of your skin, down to the very cells of your body—that have to happen in order for you to be simply sitting here today. If your most minuscule parts haven’t given up yet, Why should you?”

I don't know if they will give you any peace of mind, nor do I know what else to say except that I know the feeling well and even though it probably makes no difference, I care and wish I knew what to say or do, or that the world was as it should be so you never felt like this in the first place. Instead I'll send :hug: for you.

 

[bell]

"You are meant to fight."

Yes, yes, yes.

 

[Notsowild]

Thanks everyone for all your responses.
@bell... Please don't take this the wrong way. But am I not allowed to have bad days. Always saying its a "pity party" ( which @anthony coined) makes me feel like I should never come on here when I'm down.

As for people hating me - I can feel their indifference with me. I don't fit into their gossipy cliques. Most of the time I'm in my own little world just trying to get through the day without any panic attacks. Or get to stressed I feel like running away.

Maybe a "game" is the wrong word. Maybe their own " world ". You're supposed to be happy, funny and be able to take all their bad jokes and teasing. I hate teasing. It reminds me of my abusive father. He loved to tease me a lot.

I know you mean well. I don't spend much " me" time. Definetly need to start doing that. Thanks @bell

 

[Notsowild]

@Namenotdiagnosis...our workplace is a toxic stressful place due to manager. She's a control freak, always coming up with new ideas not thinking about the extra work she's putting on us. Most of us dread coming to work each day. It's a dismal place to work in.

She and I have had our own battles. After my second trauma she became my new manager. She was loud, in my face and constantly at me. Which bothered me because I am a good conscientious worker. She knew about my PTSD from all the doctor/ psychiatrist notes but ignored it. One day she was shouting at me and I tried to get away and accidentally bumped her. She said I pushed her and suspended me for three days. My psych put me on 3 month stress leave. Thanks to my union, psych and H.R. I got accommodations on my return. She has been polite and talks quietly to me know. She got into a lot of trouble over this. Now her super sweetness seems so phony.

I'm a lot like you I hate conflict. I need to be able communicate effectively. Been working on this with my T and psychiatrist. Bad sadly I've got a long way to go.

@arfie..." Nothing easy about it " double sigh lol. I'm know I have lots of work to do on myself. Having complex PTSD made me odd and know I'm even odder. Life is so hard. Nothing ever comes easy for me.

@Solara...my body does seem like its on overdrive. It's stress on top of stress and so on and so on. My psychiatrist wanted me to go on stress leave again. I told her I couldn't afford to. After my last one I was so behind on my bills and maxed my credit card. I have to try to work right now. Also need to pay for my T sessions. Have been thinking seriously about disability down the road because I don't belong at work. Can't take it anymore.

 

[Notsowild]

@Kas_Can_Fly... Thank you. I know you can understand complex PTSD. Also our abusive fathers who ruined our lives. Our dissociative minds. I've been trying so so many years to fit in. I just don't. I've always felt so different because of my abuse. Nobody can really understand unless you been through it yourself.

Thanks for all your helpful words. I've always wished the best for you too. I hope all your therapy helps you a lot. You deserve a wonderful happy life. Hugs:hug: back at you.

 

[bell]

@Notsowild, oh dear, I used to term "pity party" as I thought that's how you were referring to your own posts. Sorry! And yes, of course you are allowed to have bad days!

I think "trying to fit in" stresses people when it shouldn't, as everywhere there are different "groups" with different "rules," making what most people deem "normal" actually not so normal, as we only get a snippet of most people, instead of their whole holistic personalities; therefore, the reality you are trying to fit into is actually something self-constructed and therefore impossible to reach.

Bad days are human, but when they become bad weeks, we need to start really looking at ourselves and what we are doing to perpetuate our situation. Yes, I have weeks of doing nothing in my free time but staring at the tv, but I know that I'm the only one who can change my life, no one is going to swoop in and do it for me. Which sucks sometimes, but is effin' rewarding as hell when I take control.

As for someone else ruining your life, you are giving them too much power. They ruined some of it, not all of it, and you still have life left to live. Now you are an adult and you are at the steering wheel. Stop turning it over to anyone else.