Relationship When Does A Place Feel Unsafe? Advice From Sufferers Very Welcome

[Deleted member 28812]

When does a place feel unsafe for a sufferer? How comes a place may feel unsafe one day and safe the other? Or it may feel safe if the sufferer is there with person A but unsafe with person B? Or it may feel unsafe at night but safe in the day?

What is it that makes a sufferer feel safe or unsafe? My guy does not like to discuss his PTSD with me (or anybody else for that matter). He does not even discuss feeling unsafe but I can see he does because the hairs on his arms literally stand on end and he tries to avoid the place but only sometimes.

Are you by the way able to foretell in most cases that a place will feel unsafe or does it hit you like a ton of bricks?

 

[Friday]

Damn good questions. Wish I had the answers, myself.

Some pieces... But nowhere near the whole:
- how much my instincts are in the drivers seat
- how much I have to pay attention to what's going on around me
- how well I am able to pay attention
- how likely it is I'm going to have to do something
- how in control of myself I am
- how in control of myself I have to be
- ongoing threat assessments
- how pissed off / cranky I happen to be
- how happy / excited I happen to be
- heaps more... From real stuff going on around me, to how much sleep I've had, to my anxiety level, to stuff going on in my head. Shrug. Lots of things.

Safe, by the way, is a feeling. Not a reality. None of us are ever safe. Anything could happen at any time. And a lot of things have happened so often that they become expected. Even if they haven't happened for a long time. Safe is being able to relax. Able to let my guard down.

Also... I'm very rarely "scared". It's not I don't feel safe someone is going to hurt me! It's I don't feel safe I'm going to have to hurt someone, or work my ass off so no one gets hurt. I might get hurt in the process, but that's not really my concern. It's how much energy and effort I'm going to have to spend avoiding having to hurt someone. Protection falls under that, as well. The more I feel I have to protect someone? The less safe I feel. The more I know they can look out for themselves, or be an asset? The more safe I feel. Even better? If I can count on them to hold me back if I'm being an idiot.

Oddly... Kids fall under that umbrella of holding me back. Not because they're like a friend who is bigger, stronger, faster, better trained than I am... So they can squash me if needed... But because I have to behave myself around kids. Mental restraint instead of physical one, but both are emotionally effective. It's relaxing being able to let go of my own leash, to trust the person I'm with. Whether it's a friend who can squash me, or a 5yo who needs me. My son was pure bliss in that regard. Not only was I completely safe around him, but I trained him to follow certain instructions, fast, and without hesitating or asking questions. So I could also trust him.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm sorry that he won't discuss it with you. I think that this is VERY individualized, but you'll still be able to learn a lot from what others say.

When I'm at my worst, I want to drop everything and simply RUN. I don't care about taking things with me, I don't care if I have money. I just need to get to a safe place ASAP. I can be in my own home, but if I feel unsafe, I want to run to the ends of the earth. It doesn't matter that its MY home, it can still feel unsafe. Fortunately this extreme case has only happened a few times. There is ONE person who makes me feel this unsafe, and she is out of my life.

New places, alone.....UNSAFE! I learned that this week. I could probably travel anywhere on the east coast and feel somewhat secure. I'm now 3,000+ miles from any human I know personally and I feel VERY unsafe!

Other than that, I can't really explain it. There is no "rationalizing" safety. There is no rhyme or reason.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Damn good questions. Wish I had the answers, myself.

Some pieces... But nowhere near the whole:
- how much my instincts are in the drivers seat
- how much I have to pay attention to what's going on around me
- how well I am able to pay attention
- how likely it is I'm going to have to do something
- how in control of myself I am
- how in control of myself I have to be
- ongoing threat assessments
- how pissed off / cranky I happen to be
- how happy / excited I happen to be
- heaps more... From real stuff going on around me, to how much sleep I've had, to my anxiety level, to stuff going on in my head. Shrug. Lots of things.

So it is actually no qualities of the place but how you are feeling?

Not a reality. None of us are ever safe. Anything could happen at any time.

You just love to scare people, don't ya? *sigh* It works so well on me because I am such a chicken.

No one is safe. Ever. *lol*

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I'm sorry that he won't discuss it with you.

It is very annoying. I hate the fact that men are brought up not to discuss things. It makes everything unnecessary complicated. Men like to think "Iam being tough". Nope. Wrong. You are just adding unnecessary obstacles to the situation.
Being tough = help solve a problem.
Men never get this but that's not only sufferers. No man ever gets this. Just an observation.

Other than that, I can't really explain it. There is no "rationalizing" safety. There is no rhyme or reason.

So is there a way you can foretell if a place will feel safe?

 

[jaccat]

I've been thinking about this a bit lately. I'm not sure I ever feel entirely safe, even in my own home. There's always a subconscious part of me scanning for threats. In my home it could be intruders, accidents, a fire, gas leak, the cat getting hurt, me falling down stairs and being unable to call for help, and so on. Rationally I can talk myself out of these fears, but they're still real to me.

I make the same sort of subconscious assessments elsewhere too. I feel better amongst others because then if anything does go wrong there are people around who can help (assuming I would let them, which, based on past experience, there's no guarantee of). Makes me sound a bit like I'm too scared to go out of my own house. I'm not. Most of the time I'm not even aware that I'm doing it. I only tend to realise when my back and neck seize up from the tension I'm holding in my muscles.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

BTW I noticed he likes a place better when he can move. He does not like to stand in front of the checkout counter if the shop is crowded but he does not mind wandering around in the same shop.
Don't understand why, can any of you tell me?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

*lol* Where we are from shops have overpriced chewing gum sold in small packages near the checkout corner, thebig packages of gum in the shop costs half the money and my husband more often then not will be the overpriced stuff. I wonder if the shops thought of hypervigilant people because actually who else would buy this?

 

[Friday]

BTW I noticed he likes a place better when he can move. He does not like to stand in front of the checkout counter if the shop is crowded but he does not mind wandering around in the same shop.

I don't like people behind me. Pretty much ever. If I have to stand in line? I turn sideways. Even in a vehicle, I'll angle at least one mirror to see whomever is sitting behind me at all times. Others for traffic behind me. Knowing what everyone is doing at all times.

Being able to move is about a million times better than staying still. Not only does it let me see 360, but it lets me keep tabs on everyone's relative position in space, and their projected movements. One reason why crowds can be difficult is tracking hundreds of people at a time. It works better to watch the flow and the patterns (fluid dynamics!), and just look for what's different, and when I'm doing well? That's what I do. But when I'm doing badly I'm trying to actually catalogue and project each individuals movements. Along with other pertinent data about them. It's freaking exhausting. When I'm doing really badly? I can't even do that. It's all an overwhelming blur. Too many lights/ people/ sounds/ scents/ ugh. My world becomes very, very small at that point. Maybe half a meter at most. It's worse than useless, because then I can't pay attention to anything. Not even flow patterns, much less individuals.

 

[Friday]

So it is actually no qualities of the place but how you are feeling?

Both.

They each affect the other.

 

[shimmerz]

So it is actually no qualities of the place but how you are feeling?

For me it can well be about the place. Stairs are horrifying for me. Hearing voices in another room drive me to want to dive out the nearest window without opening it. People standing in doorways. People coming up from behind me or to my left peripheral view. Being in a room that is too small, too big, to enclosed, too many doorways, not enough exits. *heavy sigh* A combination of too many of these things puts me into hyper hyper hyper hyper awareness which causes me to be even more hyper aware. It is exhausting which causes even more hyper awareness and eventually, fainting.

It isn't worth the cup of coffee and cheesies, I have to tell you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Lemontree, it may help to play detective. My vet tells me some of the things that make him uncomfortable, but a lot of them I have picked up on my own. Observe and take note of any patterns. It doesn't mean that you have to be weird and stare at him all the time :ninja:... just pay attention.

My vet has an "I'm about to lose it" sigh, and I can hear it from 2 rooms over. That's a good clue for me when he is feeling uncomfortable or unsafe. He also tends to crack knuckles and fidget more. I can tell by the look on his face when we're walking up to a crowded restaurant that he is not going to be cool waiting in a crowded bar for a table, then eating elbow to elbow in the middle of a room with people behind him. He also gets more short tempered, or snippy. These actions act like my vet's barometer... pressure is going up, time to get him outta there.