The Trust Is Either There Or It Isn't

[Wastinglight]

@Solara, I hope you don't mind me taking this comment of yours from your post in one of my threads, and making it a new discussion thread, but I've been pondering this issue, and I was interested to hear people's thoughts about it.

Some background: I have massive trust issues. I don't have PTSD, but I have suffered from GAD for most of my life, and accordingly to several of my past therapists, I have suffered trauma.

My trust issues stem from diffusive sources, spanning more than 25 years. Suffice it to say, as an adult I have always had difficulty trusting people - men and women, especially when it comes to sex and relationships.

My current partner (who suffers from PTSD) also has big trust issues - from his PTSD-related experiences, from being cheated on, and possibly other stuff that I'm not yet aware of.

I have considered the title statement, and I'm not certain I agree with it. When I examine the various relationships in my life - past and present, with family, friends and partners, I have come to the conclusion that, for me at least, my trust in people is not on or off. Rather, I would say that I have levels of trust with each person. Plus, trust must be earned. It's not appropriate for me to fully trust someone when they haven't proven that they are worthy of it.

For example, I trusted my ex with my life when we used to do some pretty hair-raising maneouvres on his souped-up motorcycle (I was the pillion). I trusted him to always be there for me, emotionally, when I needed support. Even now, I suspect if I asked him for help, I would get it. I trusted him to always go into bat for me when I was treated badly in any situation. I trusted him to be responsible with money when I lent it to him. But did I trust him around other women? No f*cking way. Did I trust him to behave appropriately around my family? Nuh-uh. And when I finally realised that I would never be able to trust him again on those matters? I ended it.

I understand that some people have some pretty firm boundaries surrounding trust, and rightly so. The issue that Solara and I were commenting on in a previous thread related to snooping on my partner (well, to be clear, it was on a public website), when my anxiety was up. Did I recognise that what I was doing was wrong, even during the height of my panic attack? Yup, sure did. I did it anyway, and I feel badly about it now. It's a compulsion that I find difficult to control when I am feeling panicked. But I'm not making excuses for it. I'm working on fixing that, and I completely agree with Solara's comments on that matter.

Having said that, my current partner and I have different 'levels' of trust in each other. I have tried to explain the specifics of my trust issues to my partner, and he has been very forgiving about it - even when I did sort-of make an accusation that wasn't very nice or very reasonable, a few months ago. I am very glad that he is willing to cut me slack on this. If he had very strict boundaries regarding trustworthy behaviour, the relationship would be over already.

And the reverse is also true. He has shown an unwillingness to trust me on some fronts. Even though I have been a bit upset about some of his decisions, he has been very upfront with me about it, and explained that he is being cautious. I have accepted his decisions (even though some of them are very unfair) and not made a big deal about it. I hope that he will come to trust me more over time, just as I hope that I will eventually be able to fully trust him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that because overcoming trust issues is very difficult, and because trust is (or at least, should be) gradually earned over time, I believe that, for me and my partner, completely trusting each other is not realistic for either of us, at this point in time. And we've both been pretty honest about that fact. As time goes by, and my guy continues to act in a trustworthy manner, my trust will hopefully continue to grow. I also take Solara's original point that we must also work hard on trust issues ourselves, through channels such as therapy, and not expect people to enable us. But the process is a slow one, and I think it will take both of us quite a while to get there.

Any other thoughts?

 

[Friday]

LOL... Just mark me #TrustIssues ;)

Most of my adult life -including post trauma, when I'm doing well- I've compartmenalized trust along with everything else. As you say, each person gets their own unique scale, it's not an all or nothing thing for me. I also prioritize those scales in a couple different ways. I don't think this is necessarilly a bad thing.

I've also had periods where I simply trusted everyone. This was pointed out to me, by a very wise person, as the exact same thing as trusting no one. Oh. Oops. Totally nailed it. It really is, isn't it?

Also done that.

I'm closest to that, as a matter of fact, right now. There are 3 or 4 people* I kinda sorta maybe have the beginnings of trust, for. They're starting to develop a scale of their own in my head, or already have one. Don't worry, I've tried to sabotage that! (Sigh. Connections grumble, huff, snarl, connections. I can admit I'm a better person with them. It doesn't mean I have to like it.) Everyone else is just simply struck off the list. Their scales are all at nil. Doesn't mean I don't still interact with them. Most people's scales are always at nil. Even when I've got my compartments up and running at full speed, it is a very short list of people I trust in any fashion, whatsoever. And in a meaningful fashion? Almost non-existent. In fact, possibly non-existent.

* There is a completely different list of people that I would get on a plane for, and make arrangements for childcare & feeding my dog on the way to the airport. Also a somewhat longer list that I would need to see if my life could me reasonably juggled before buying tickets, but to date, I've always gone when called. (Not that it happens very often.) Even if I'm grumpy about it :facepalm:. It's a different kind of trust, entirely, it's focus very narrow. I trust them with my life, and owe them my own.

 

[Seasounds]

I have come to the conclusion that, for me at least, my trust in people is not on or off. Rather, I would say that I have levels of trust with each person. Plus, trust must be earned. It's not appropriate for me to fully trust someone when they haven't proven that they are worthy of it.

You have eloquently stated how I have found the healthiest way to develop and exercise trust, as a person with PTSD.

I also hold the space that everyone has their own opinion, on how to trust other people.

 

[Wastinglight]

You have eloquently stated how I have found the healthiest way to develop and exercise trust, as a person with PTSD.

Thanks for your comments, @Saetva and @FridayJones.

I will also add that my ability to trust in any given moment, has everything to do with how much anxiety I am experiencing at that point in time.

For example, when I am in the middle of having an anxiety attack - I don't trust anyone or anything. The world is definitely coming to an end and anyone who says otherwise is not to be believed. My challenge when this happens is to try to get out the other side and back into Normal Person Land without doing serious damage to any of my relationships while it's going on.