Who Am I?

[Hope4Now]

Lol. All the similar threads with this name are from 4 years ago.

I am posting because it is 2:23 am where I am. I can't sleep. I have decided to take myself off the seroquel that makes me feel drugged. But I am here now...exhausted...but not wanting to sleep. I have parts that do not like to sleep. I have parts that are desperate to sleep. I'm trapped in between. Parts that are urging me to pack the damned car and go...parts that say, "NO way! You have to drive carpool in the morning..." Parts that have me scraping knives on my arms, parts that say, "Stop that, you idiot." But I can't ask for help except here. The ask for help was a disaster last week...ended up in a locked psych ward for 6 days that replayed my whole childhood and adolescence of being trapped and just trying to be a good girl until it was over.

I'm 51 years old now. Tired of being a good girl and waiting until it is over.

I told some friends tonight about my Section 12 at the local hospital. Managed it with a laugh as we sat chatting and swapping stories over drinks. My story was the polar opposite of a friend's who had dinner with a former president of the US last weekend. Interesting evening.

What the heck do I DO with this crazy experience I'm having? I think I have all the memory I'm going to get of my past. I have the skills to ground. I'm in my body much more these days. I have support around me if I ask for it. My mother-in-law made a vegan lasagne for us...support doesn't get much better than that.

But I'm sitting here at my desk all messed up and thinking that perhaps I should not have lied to the hospital psychiatrist. Perhaps I should still be there. I ran into one of my fellow "loonies" at Target tonight. Really threw me for a loop. He was so nice, and friendly. But suddenly the whole hospital thing seemed rather real.

And I am wondering, continually, who I am. Parts wanting to shut that down and destroy. Other parts saying, "Go to bed...you'll feel better in the morning." Sigh.

Just venting I suppose.

 

[shimmerz]

I think I have all the Link Removed I'm going to get of my past. I have the skills to ground. I'm in my body much more these days.

This is really good Hope. This is HUGE. But along with this comes an adjustment stage. This stuff comes at a cost of stirring up 'parts'. Parts that don't want that. They are grumbling at you. Saying what the abusers said 'STFU'. or 'Just leave it alone!'

For myself, I so missed my ANP'ness. Felt lost without it. It is a mirage though. ANP keeps the chaos down because of distraction. It is built on distraction.

You have changed that and are giving your ANP 'time off for good behaviour' so to speak. Your self is in there. Can you attach to your self care part at all? This may be no freaking help at all and if not, I am so sorry....

 

[hodge]

Shimmerz, what is ANP?

 

[hodge]

Hi, Hope4Now, I think I am feeling something like you are these days. Don't know whether I'm coming or going. I'm 51, too. I was diagnosed with this in 2006. My therapist "graduated" me last year because she believed I had enough coping skills. But now I find myself going back to her because of these horrible nightmares every night. I just don't know how to cope. Oh, I shouldn't go on in this thread. I've written about this elsewhere. Anyway, take care!

 

[Hope4Now]

This stuff comes at a cost of stirring up 'parts'. Parts that don't want that.

:wideeyed: You sound like my therapist. He said a few weeks back that all my parts are saying, "What the F?"

This may be no freaking help at all and if not, I am so sorry....

I don't think you've ever not been helpful. Just your responding is helpful.

Shimmerz, what is ANP?

Sorry for the insider talk, @hodge! ANP stands for "Apparently Normal Personality" and is a term that comes out of structural dissociation theory. @shimmerz started a thread on structural dissociation a while back that is packed with information on it. Here's the quick link to the definition of ANP/distinct state: Link Removed

Don't know whether I'm coming or going. I'm 51, too.

So sorry to hear this but completely understand the feeling you describe. Sometimes I'm convinced it's just hormones...but then most people our age don't have nightmares and flashbacks etc. I'm glad you've gone back to your therapist. From all I've read, this is quite common for people...that they heal to a certain extent, then more/different stuff can come up later.

Oh, I shouldn't go on in this thread. I've written about this elsewhere.

It's okay...I don't mind. I don't think I saw your other posts. I'll look for them.

 

[Hope4Now]

Other parts saying, "Go to bed...you'll feel better in the morning." Sigh.

BTW, these parts won last night. Sometimes I guess it makes sense to just do what normal people do when in doubt. Kinda like that bumper sticker, "What would Jesus do?" :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: Oh, this is not good. I am laughing at my own lame joke. Definitely not what normal people do.

 

[scout86]

Definitely not what normal people do.

I'm not sure. I think "normal" people laugh at their own lame jokes a lot. But then a couple weeks ago my T paused, gave me a funny look, and said, "You really DON'T get how this stuff works, do you?" That was NOT a comment I really wanted to hear from my T. Although he went on to explain what it was that I didn't get. He also says he thinks "normal" is over rated. And that HE may not be as "normal" as I think he is, come to think of it....

The whole hospital thing.....I hope you're keeping notes because someday you have the makings of a really interesting, insightful book. That episode sounds like it belongs on my personal list of "Top 10 Worst Nightmares". And my T has actually told me (several times!) that things like that are highly unlikely. (Do you get a phone call BTW? Because he'd definitely be getting one!)

Sounds like the "right" parts won last night. I'll bet it will take awhile to adjust to life without Seroquel but maybe you'll be glad you did.

AND, last but not least, the "parts" that post here usually sound pretty "together", at least to me. Just in case you didn't know that.

 

[Hope4Now]

"You really DON'T get how this stuff works, do you?" That was NOT a comment I really wanted to hear from my T.

This is why people like us feel like aliens sometimes...I know I don't get it.

And my T has actually told me (several times!) that things like that are highly unlikely.

I think I probably could have walked out of the ER before the transfer to the other hospital. I don't quite know why I didn't...something kept me there. The episode was a nightmare, but it also gave me some really glaring insights into my parts. So that's good. I am toying with the idea of a book of some sort. Not sure. Maybe when I get round to finishing all my other creative projects. Hmmm.

Do you get a phone call BTW?

Yes. Phone in hallway (no personal phones). My therapist came to see me (which was extraordinarily nice and supportive), and my husband came every day. But legally, there was nothing I could do until the long weekend had passed even though I converted the Section 12 to something called "conditional voluntary". Still a 3-day requirement, but the difference is that if they want to keep you beyond that, they have to go through a judge. Technically, people in my situation probably could sue, but I have no interest in that. The place is there for a reason, and so are the rules. Most of the folks who were there were appreciative of the structure and safety it offered. I appeared to be only one of two people who were flipped out about being there...so probably just my peculiar background and high reactivity to triggers these days that was the problem.

the "parts" that post here usually sound pretty "together", at least to me.

Thanks. I try to avoid getting on here if I'm too scrambled up.