My Wife And Ptsd

[carl-ptsd]

Hi all,

it is my first post here, it took some time, but finally I took the courage to share with you my experience.

My wife Julia has ptsd due to an assassination intent attack from her mother when she was 11. We are together now for 23 years (she was my high-school sweetheart), and married for almost 17 years.

Her symptoms got worse with the time, and to make things worse, her health is also delicate due to a auto-immune disease (lupus) and agorafobia (fear to be alone outside her home).

This led to a situation where she does not work, we cannot have children (because of lupus), for me besides the children grief (from which I am better now), what it is more challenging is to see her suffer, she is doing therapy but therapy does not does miracles and the ptsd is there.

Almost everyday when I arrive from work, she is in her bedroom playing videogames or in the living room looking youtube videos, frustrated because she "did not do anything worthy all day", she wants to paint, to sew, to read books, but she cannot do it, or if she starts, she can only do for one day.

We have the house full of "things" that she intend to use (musical instruments, painting material, sew machines and material) that at the end of the day, I finishing using (I am currently learning to playing a guitar that she bought and only used for one day).

Anything that creates a difficulty, generates stress for her, which of course, she "avoids", avoidance is a big ptsd issue and with my wife is no different, she avoids everything that makes her feels stress, and to see everyday she spending all her day in facebook/youtube/videogames is very sad.

I have a therapist of my own to cope with all this and with my co-dependency, I am learning still how to not "buy" her problems and let her cope the best she can, but it is very hard.

Right now, she is trying to do some painting course, but, although she went to the school (with her therapist) to ask for information, she is totally paralysed with the stress and suffering a lot, and I fell helpless, as any husband, we would like to "fix" everything and help our wives in her problems, but there is not so much I can do, only to give moral support and "be there" for her, but still, it is very hard for me to see this "never-ending" nightmare.

I am reading a lot of books on these issues (ptsd,codependency,grief), and they help, and with all the love I have for her, I go on, but still it is a hard path...

thank you all,
best,
Carl

 

[Fadeaway]

Welcome Carl.

and I fell helpless, as any husband, we would like to "fix" everything and help our wives in her problems

My husband (supporter) and I (sufferer) just had a discussion about this the other night.As hard as it is, there really isn't anything you can do to fix it.

It is truly wonderful that you are spending so much time reading and trying to understand. That is huge.

I know my husband has many of the same issues with me as you do your wife, but honestly, the best advice i can give is to not let her know those thing bother you. The harder I try and make myself be more productive for fear of my husbands judgment (This is a perspective issue not reality, so please don't take it wrong) the more paralyzed I become and the harder it is do do things.

Once again, welcome.

 

[carl-ptsd]

I know my husband has many of the same issues with me as you do your wife, but honestly, the best advice i can give is to not let her know those thing bother you. The harder I try and make myself be more productive for fear of my husbands judgment (This is a perspective issue not reality, so please don't take it wrong) the more paralyzed I become and the harder it is do do things.

Hi Fadeaway,

thank you very much for your words, to know your point of view (a person in my wife's shoes), does really mean a lot for me in this moment. :)

best,
Carl

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear Carl,

Welcome!

I'll have more info. for you, am about to start a therapy session.

I was very paralyzed, like your wife. My 2 trauma therapists are working with me to break the freeze.
One is working with me to counter the conditioning I received as a child from abusive family, that taught me the freeze response.

Another is using a type of therapy that includes Somatic Experiencing (Dr. Peter Levine), to break the freeze response.

Both of these methods are life-changing for people like your wife and me, who are completely frozen and unable to live.
The chains are falling away from me - they can for your wife as well, so there is hope for you both!

Gtg for my life-transforming work... I send you both my very best, and am here to help as much as I can.
Welcome, and best wishes!
Deer

(P.S., I am out and about, spending very little time online. She'll love it when she is able to break her chains!)

P.P.S. I also had an auto-immune disease (not Lupus). I know some things she can try to help her feel better, if you'd like to know... I'm happy to share!

 

[Friday]

Welcome.

Part of what this comes down to, IMO, is that no matter how awesome the outside influence is? No matter how much we may want them? They don't fix us. They feel like they might, but instead it's the inverse. It's becoming healthier that allows us to have these awesome outside influences in our lives. Whether they're relationships, pursuits, employment, etc. If we aren't healthy? It's putting the cart before the horse, instead of the carrot before the horse.

 

[Humphrey.]

Hi all , finally ran across a thread I can understand,relate to.
My kids mom and I have had the same cycle of disagreement for years.
Clutter, buying,hoarding,boxes and boxes of stuff years old , never used.Hours and days of research spent and then nothing ever goes forward.
Conversations turned to war over junk. "BUT IT"S MY JUNK !" LOL!

So many topics are sliding into the slots and columns of my brain and hitting the correct combination of concepts to aid me to aid her and still have a happy existence.
I am just glad she is not a cat lover ! LOL! (We somehow ended up with 4 rabbits.)

Outside rabbits thank God .

Now I have no worries about her car having one fender washed.

I am insane to sit here with joy in my heart giggling over undone things instead of dreading another mess to clean up.(From my perspective.)

She can walk over a pile of dirty clothes 300 times and never see them.

I hope it proceeds well for her in therapy.

I have went once in the beginning with her, before she told me what she was diagnosed with. Boy what a mistake that was !

I am so relieved she was recently diagnosed with PTSD.
Now I know what I am dealing with,can and can not do.
What helps and what won't.
I am a people person and always on the go.
She was just baffling me !
I thought she was an introvert.
I thought I was a prop to make her look good, or normal or???????????
At least I have ,with her, been on the path to understanding that treating all people well is about the best prescription for her and I ! Separate or together.
At this point.

What we have been doing has lead up to her having the courage to actually go to a therapist and stick with it.
Now all I have to do is take care of myself and be of service to other human beings.
Lucky for her, she is also a human being! LOL!
A very special one to me.
It is late and I am excited to have found this place.
I must go now and wish you all the best of experiences soon!
I'll be back.
Not like Arnold though. ;)

 

[carl-ptsd]

Hi all , finally ran across a thread I can understand,relate to.
My kids mom and I have had the same cycle of disagr...

thank you Humphey, it is good to find someone with the same problem, I fell less alone :)

 

[Gwenni]

I am sitting here weeping reading these comments. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD. Now I am beginning to think that perhaps I have had it for a very, very long time. These posts really sum up my life.

I am untidy. I do my best to try and get the place looking good but a combination of inability to concentrate, a need to numb my feelings and avoidance lead to me never getting as much done as I would want. My partner has always told me that this wasn't an issue for him. Now I find out that he has gone to friends and my family to complain about the mess, to say that he is embarrassed to have people over and that his family have said they don't want to come to my house because they are uncomfortable with the mess. Why didn't he just talk to me?

I now feel totally betrayed and am constantly in fight or flight mode. I have had lots of really awful things happen throughout my life and now I feel that I am suffocating. I don't see how I can possibly be a good parent like this and certainly don't want my kids having to deal with this. I feel that there is only one way out.

I wish you all the very best for getting help. Maybe it's something I should've done a long time ago.