Relationship Why Won't He Say We Are "together"?

[Becksknox]

i am happy with the way things are and have been with my guy. We are together almost daily now and I sleep over at his place pretty much 6-7 nights a week. We go out to eat, cook together, are around my friends, everything a couple does, BUT he still says we aren't "together" as in a relationship. We are almost as we were before his major episode where we broke up. The only real difference is that we aren't living together.

I've talked to my therapist and she says it's fear on his part, she also specializes in PTSD and understands what we have both been through in our lives and nails it on the head each time. We had just started on this subject when my time was up with her last. We actually had gone over my appointment time by 30 minutes.

Her take was that he's never known real love and only hurtful conditional love and therefore he's afraid of abandonment by me in some ways bc if he admits we are back together he becomes vulnerable and he fears that.

Last week when we were both sick and I was caring for him he called me his girlfriend. But then seems like it was a slip up and he backs away from it, though not from me.

His actions are so loud and sometimes in little ways his words are great too. I care more about the actions bc I know they are real, but when his actions say all the right things but then he pops pit with a we aren't together I feel crushed.

Another thing is that after he hurt my feelings by not inviting me to a family function, we talked calmly about it and he did say that I will be at the next one.

Please someone help me understand this.

 

[Justmehere]

His trauma was likely at the hands of humans. So now, for him, being close to humans is scary. It's not really about you, but the trauma.

He sounds like he may have an ambivalent attachment pattern, while you are more on the preoccupied end of the spectrum. When fear comes up, he pulls away because trauma taught him that closeness = vulnerability = scary possibility to get really hurt. For you, the battle may be different. You may become more scared when others move away from you, rather than closer.

I could also be completely off the mark.

You start off the post by saying you are happy with the way things are and have been, and yet you proceed to list many things that you feel reasonably hurt by. It's a really strong mixed message, and it seems like you both could be giving each other a lot of mixed messages in the middle of wrestling through PTSD and how to make this relationship work.

If he is in treatment and working on his stuff, and you keep working on yours, give it time, go slow (very slow) and things may continue to change for the better.

 

[Kefira]

If you aren't together he doesn't have anything to lose. And you aren't setting any boundaries that require him to give you that in order to have what he wants. Casual nebulous situations are way easier for me to process. If there wasn't anything there as far as labels go, then if it goes wrong I don't have to explain anything to any third parties. I also can invalidate my hurt/grief by telling myself there wasn't anything there anyway and I'm being unreasonable. I think you may be underestimating how big a deal it is to tie yourself to another person both on a public level dealing with friends/family and on an internal level dealing with owning having developed an important connection with another human being (especially since trauma and the disorder has taught us we will invariably lose those important to us).

For me, it's also a safety thing because I've most often been hurt by partners and the more I can keep people at arm's length, preventing them from entering into my space and my life the more I feel I can control that snowball into being trapped into an inevitably abusive situation. I'm not sure what his experiences would cause for him.

 

[Becksknox]

I've been on a few dates and he has flipped out and said he can't handle it. He asked that we should go a week without talking in anyway but then couldn't do it and said he needs me with him and to be a part of his life. I know what is in his heart and I am ok with a label not being there as we've been down this road before in 2 years, it takes him a long time to use the words. I'm just curious as to why. He is a vet with combat PTSD.

 

[JT80]

I can totally relate to your situation becksknox. My partner also says the exact same thing about our relationship. I've since learned that the worst thing I could do, personally, is argue with her about it. It always turns bad and I get pushed away regardless. I have actually had my partner say "You and I are not in a relationship" and "I just need to be alone" as she's physically pulling me in to her for cuddles and affection and wouldn't let me go. It was pretty confusing.

Nowadays, I just let her say it. She continues on treating us as being in a relationship even if she does say it. She has explained it to me before and said she's scared of getting too close and either 1. Hurting me or 2. Putting herself in an emotional position where I can hurt her, but her actions never follow through so I don't argue it.

 

[Becksknox]

@Mac80 I totally understand. It's obvious that we are in a relationship, I just think for him to say the actual words is stressful on him. I'm ok with it really, because I know we are together. I just don't want him to be afraid of saying it bc he doesn't have anything to fear with me. When I looked back, it took him 8 months to say it before. I just need to be patient with him and realize that our situation is exactly what I have hoped for and that is enough for me.

I just wanted to see from supporters and sufferers if this was "normal".

 

[Kintsugi]

When I am single, I have a desperate fear of being trapped. It's back again. It's a very real fear for me. I have been trapped in a relationship, both actually and psychologically (the difference between real violence and the fear of violence/stalking/emotional warfare).

I can't speak for anyone else. I can just say I do this. A massive part of my traumas was being under someone's absolute control. When I'm "free," I am repulsed by the idea that I could easily become trapped again. I'm going through this now, and I'm glad that I am. I'm interested in monogamy, just not the set of words associated with that practice.

 

[Becksknox]

@Simply Simon that makes total sense! Even though he has combat PTSD, his ex wife was verbally, emotionally and a few times physically abusive to him. He has said before he is afraid of another failed relationship. He knows we haven't failed and I've never given up on him or us but I can see how that fear is still there.

My therapist has said as much just knowing what I've told her. I almost want to bring him to a session with me but also feel it's too soon. As in it could/would cause more stress and pressure on him. Like I said I'm good with things the way they are and knowing that don't need a title for us, just wanted to see if there was a reason to why someone wouldn't be able to say it when all the actions prove it.

 

[spmitchell3]

Glad I found this thread...I kind of needed it today because I'm feeling some anxiety for some reason.

I can totally relate to your stories. My wife was diagnosed with PTSD back in May after 15 years of marriage. The cause of her PTSD is trauma experienced throughout her childhood, adolescent and early adult years. I knew she had an unhappy childhood but I didn't know how traumatic it was for her...and I guess she didn't either. In a way, I'm experiencing what you are. My wife tells me she doesn't feel love for me and doesn't think it's a result of the PTSD...but has also told me that I'm important to her, that she wants me to be here for her and she wants our marriage to work. It's definitely confusing and I feel like I'm riding a roller coaster of emotions. I've been told by the family therapist we started seeing prior to her being diagnosed with PTSD that I am not to expect her to work on our marriage until she heals herself through EMDR therapy. The therapist told me that my wife simply can't work on our relationship and marriage right now because her defense mechanism keeps kicking in. If I start to tell her how I feel about something she shuts down. She's simply not able to understand or empathize with what I'm telling her. She's not able to create an emotional connection with me because she has major trust issues and is probably afraid to let me in since she's been hurt by so many people she trusted in the past. I'm trying to be patient but it can really be hard. There are days when I feel like telling her I'm done because I just can't take it anymore. Ultimately, though, I love her and I told her I will be here for her...I want to be the first man in her life to do what he said he would. My family and friends don't know how I do it or why. I've had both male and female friends tell me they would have bailed long ago and that I'm a rare breed to keep putting myself through this.

 

[Becksknox]

@spmitchell3 I get. My guy is starting EMDR therapy and I am so thankful. I want him to be ok for him because I know he needs that before we can ever be ok together. It's a big step for him to seek the therapy.

 

[shadesofgreen]

I think you may be underestimating how big a deal it is to tie yourself to another person both on a public level dealing with friends/family and on an internal level dealing with owning having developed an important connection with another human being (especially since trauma and the disorder has taught us we will invariably lose those important to us).

I needed to hear this today. My BF blocked me on Facebook for some reason. While the peanut gallery will yell and throw stones accusing him of cheating, I think that it was more of a disconnect. They are also furious that he changed his profile pic to him and a female friend. He is adamant he is not cheating, and he explained the photo to me before it went up.

I don't believe Facebook is a reason to argue with someone who has PTSD. And I trust and believe him. I know he has been badly scarred by previous relationships besides being a combat vet. I feel that what I do - support him slowly - is just best.