lovingheart
New Here
hello, I am new to the site and the world of PTSD in relationships and hope the community can help me understand some the actions and events I have experienced lately. Im sorry, its long but i want to include the whole situation since im not sure how to interpret this yet.
A coworker and I have known each other through work for around three years now and have always had a slightly flirty relationship. about a year and a half ago he asked me out for drinks sometime and we ended up going out a handful of times. We always had a great time and though he asserted his need for extreme independence he seemed to be excited at the idea of getting to know each other better. Unfortunately a friend of his at work found out we were hanging out and it caused a bit of a rumormill, which negatively effected both of us but him to a much greater extreme. He ended up saying he just couldnt deal with it all anymore and quit talking to me. We were fine professionally but he seemed to avoid the office area (he is a field technician). around 6 months later he text me to come hang out after one of his bands shows at his hotel, and though I realized it was pretty much just a booty call, i missed him and thought what the hell? we had a fun night but I also discovered that evening he struggles with a level of impotence. I wasnt upset about it at all and attributed it to him drinking too much. After that we flirted lightly at work now and then and every month or two he contacted me to hang out after another show. I think he was always hoping for a hook up but he also seemed genuine about wanting to just hang out with me and never pushed me for sex. never really a relationship though either.
This continued on and off until about 3 months ago. We had started talking a little more often just as friends and he told me one day that he was moving to a new house. He had been living in a place with a friend/ very old girlfriend for many years and was finally moving to his own place with his older brother, and it just happened to be very near my house (complete coincidence, many people from our work live in this area). But he immediately started saying how we should hang out sometime and a week later he invited me over to watch movies. we had a great time and not even 4 days later he invited me over again. This time I stayed the night with him and experienced what I can only assume was a horrific nightmare/flashback or night terror. A fellow coworker and admitted to me in confidence before that my guy had said he had PTSD, and my familiarity with other past service members made me so I wasnt truly surprised at it all. more surprised that i could not for life of me wake him up. He flung his arms around so much that he accidentally knocked me in the chin, nothing serious, but i made a joke of it the next morning. If I had had a clue what i was actually dealing with at that point i never would have done it because i could immediate tell he felt very guilty but tried valiantly to gamely play along. We continued to talk and hang out about once a week and had a couple talks about that I wasnt going to push him for a commitment but that because we work together and were now neighbors this couldnt be a fling. I didnt want to be friends with benefits, and this couldnt just be for fun. If we were going to continue to hang out it had to be to build something real.
He admitted to me about a month in that he had PTSD and is taking medicine for it. He was fairly open about it but has always repeatedly mentioned that he was very busy lately and somewhat stressed and felt like he hadnt even gotten a chance to settle into his new home yet. Everything was great for two months or so but he continued to struggle with impotency problems. Finally the last time I hung out with him I questioned him about it and he said that he thought it was his smoking habit, which was up to 2 packs a day at that point and reassured me that it wasnt me. I reassured me that it was ok, and to just let me know what I could do for him and that he still did a great job at pleasing me. I thought that that night though he was rather quiet we found a new level of bonding. he had always been very sweet and affectionate but never the best communicator, always miles better in person and said he really kind of hated texting, but really a very kind and loving person.
But after that night things seemed to change. He stopped talking to me very much by text, and seemed to always have an excuse ready when i asked if we could hang out. essentially something switched from him pursuing me to me pursuing him. I knew that he would have the occasional times when he needed his space but he wasn't communicating to me that that was what he needed so I started to become more confused. Slowly he started to just completely ignore me when i asked if we could hang out and hardly talking to me at all. After 3 weeks I questioned if he wanted a relationship at all. He seemed to still want to keep the connection though because he still did little things to keep it alive like send me one text answers to questions, blow me a kiss when he drove by my house and i was outside, and still talked and flirted at work when we had a moment to ourselves. I started to feel strung along.
I finally managed to run into him in a fairly deserted work parking lot and just straight up asked him if we were ok. He said with a sad little smile and sigh that yes, yes we were and that he knew he had been acting sketchy lately and admitted he had been a bit of an ass. He made a joke about it sounding corning but said its not you, its me. i told him that if he needed time to himself that that was ok but that he had to tell me that, he couldn't just disappear. My frustration obviously got through because he asked me what i was doing later that night after his band practice. I was annoyed at that point and said that i didn't want to hang out just because i was getting after him about doing it. If he wasn't interested in hanging out right then that that was ok. things seemed ok but i was still very confused and starting to feel hurt and neglected and treated like a fling.
Later that week i told him a coworker wanted me to go with them to see his band play that weekend. he said it was a free country and it didn't bother him if we wanted to go. The night of the band though the coworker ditched out and i thought he still seemed like he wanted space so i didn't go and i didn't try to contact him. we hadn't talked or seen each other in 5 days when we ran into each other at work again. he seemed like he was trying a bit harder to talk to me,make me laugh and interact. and when he went out to do his work for the day he sent me a text that said "missed ya saturday". my instant reaction was anger. all i could think was yeah well i've missed seeing you for a month now. I told him why i didn't go and he sent a curt "gotcha".
I am ashamed to say all my frustration and confusion boiled over at that point and i just broke. my patience and understanding was at an end and i sent him a wall of emotional text telling him that if he wanted me in his life at all that he had to talk to me and soon. I didn't understand what he wanted, what was going on with him, with us, or why he seemed to keep avoiding me. i said his avoidance of hanging out made me feel like he didn't have any real feeling for me or wanted anything real. I told him that i cared for him very deeply and hoped that he would talk to me and that i knew it wasn't that he didn't care at all, he wouldn't have done all the little things to keep the connection alive if he didn't. I wasn't accusatory or mean, name-calling or cruel. I felt like i was practically begging him to talk to me and help keep the relationship alive. the next morning i apologized for the way that i said everything that i stood by the words because they were honest but that i never meant to do it by text like that. i wanted an in person convo. It has been a week and he has never responded to me and i think its obvious at this point that he is done with things.
I knew about his ptsd and have never felt like he was some player or using me but I had no true idea what i was dealing with and he was not doing anything to communicate what was happening with him. after reading through many of the threads in this forum i feel like i have failed to support him but that i obviously need to leave him be for a while. I still care deeply for him but am going to use this time to see a therapist myself to work on my own abandonment issues and controlling my emotional reactions to things. I know that because we work together he is not 100% out of my life altogether and have a shred of hope that if i keep my interactions there light and friendly, that maybe someday we can be friends again and if we want to to try this again. Would it be out of line to tell him in a few weeks from now that his honesty about the ptsd has inspired me to see a therapist for my own issues and that whether we are friends or not i am still here for him if he ever needs it.
I would like to be friends again but don't know how or when to start that process. Is all this part of ptsd behavior? It would explain a lot of his behavior that i couldn't understand. I just feel like i've done such a poor job by him and wish i could tell him so. any feedback and support helps. again sorry it got so long.
A coworker and I have known each other through work for around three years now and have always had a slightly flirty relationship. about a year and a half ago he asked me out for drinks sometime and we ended up going out a handful of times. We always had a great time and though he asserted his need for extreme independence he seemed to be excited at the idea of getting to know each other better. Unfortunately a friend of his at work found out we were hanging out and it caused a bit of a rumormill, which negatively effected both of us but him to a much greater extreme. He ended up saying he just couldnt deal with it all anymore and quit talking to me. We were fine professionally but he seemed to avoid the office area (he is a field technician). around 6 months later he text me to come hang out after one of his bands shows at his hotel, and though I realized it was pretty much just a booty call, i missed him and thought what the hell? we had a fun night but I also discovered that evening he struggles with a level of impotence. I wasnt upset about it at all and attributed it to him drinking too much. After that we flirted lightly at work now and then and every month or two he contacted me to hang out after another show. I think he was always hoping for a hook up but he also seemed genuine about wanting to just hang out with me and never pushed me for sex. never really a relationship though either.
This continued on and off until about 3 months ago. We had started talking a little more often just as friends and he told me one day that he was moving to a new house. He had been living in a place with a friend/ very old girlfriend for many years and was finally moving to his own place with his older brother, and it just happened to be very near my house (complete coincidence, many people from our work live in this area). But he immediately started saying how we should hang out sometime and a week later he invited me over to watch movies. we had a great time and not even 4 days later he invited me over again. This time I stayed the night with him and experienced what I can only assume was a horrific nightmare/flashback or night terror. A fellow coworker and admitted to me in confidence before that my guy had said he had PTSD, and my familiarity with other past service members made me so I wasnt truly surprised at it all. more surprised that i could not for life of me wake him up. He flung his arms around so much that he accidentally knocked me in the chin, nothing serious, but i made a joke of it the next morning. If I had had a clue what i was actually dealing with at that point i never would have done it because i could immediate tell he felt very guilty but tried valiantly to gamely play along. We continued to talk and hang out about once a week and had a couple talks about that I wasnt going to push him for a commitment but that because we work together and were now neighbors this couldnt be a fling. I didnt want to be friends with benefits, and this couldnt just be for fun. If we were going to continue to hang out it had to be to build something real.
He admitted to me about a month in that he had PTSD and is taking medicine for it. He was fairly open about it but has always repeatedly mentioned that he was very busy lately and somewhat stressed and felt like he hadnt even gotten a chance to settle into his new home yet. Everything was great for two months or so but he continued to struggle with impotency problems. Finally the last time I hung out with him I questioned him about it and he said that he thought it was his smoking habit, which was up to 2 packs a day at that point and reassured me that it wasnt me. I reassured me that it was ok, and to just let me know what I could do for him and that he still did a great job at pleasing me. I thought that that night though he was rather quiet we found a new level of bonding. he had always been very sweet and affectionate but never the best communicator, always miles better in person and said he really kind of hated texting, but really a very kind and loving person.
But after that night things seemed to change. He stopped talking to me very much by text, and seemed to always have an excuse ready when i asked if we could hang out. essentially something switched from him pursuing me to me pursuing him. I knew that he would have the occasional times when he needed his space but he wasn't communicating to me that that was what he needed so I started to become more confused. Slowly he started to just completely ignore me when i asked if we could hang out and hardly talking to me at all. After 3 weeks I questioned if he wanted a relationship at all. He seemed to still want to keep the connection though because he still did little things to keep it alive like send me one text answers to questions, blow me a kiss when he drove by my house and i was outside, and still talked and flirted at work when we had a moment to ourselves. I started to feel strung along.
I finally managed to run into him in a fairly deserted work parking lot and just straight up asked him if we were ok. He said with a sad little smile and sigh that yes, yes we were and that he knew he had been acting sketchy lately and admitted he had been a bit of an ass. He made a joke about it sounding corning but said its not you, its me. i told him that if he needed time to himself that that was ok but that he had to tell me that, he couldn't just disappear. My frustration obviously got through because he asked me what i was doing later that night after his band practice. I was annoyed at that point and said that i didn't want to hang out just because i was getting after him about doing it. If he wasn't interested in hanging out right then that that was ok. things seemed ok but i was still very confused and starting to feel hurt and neglected and treated like a fling.
Later that week i told him a coworker wanted me to go with them to see his band play that weekend. he said it was a free country and it didn't bother him if we wanted to go. The night of the band though the coworker ditched out and i thought he still seemed like he wanted space so i didn't go and i didn't try to contact him. we hadn't talked or seen each other in 5 days when we ran into each other at work again. he seemed like he was trying a bit harder to talk to me,make me laugh and interact. and when he went out to do his work for the day he sent me a text that said "missed ya saturday". my instant reaction was anger. all i could think was yeah well i've missed seeing you for a month now. I told him why i didn't go and he sent a curt "gotcha".
I am ashamed to say all my frustration and confusion boiled over at that point and i just broke. my patience and understanding was at an end and i sent him a wall of emotional text telling him that if he wanted me in his life at all that he had to talk to me and soon. I didn't understand what he wanted, what was going on with him, with us, or why he seemed to keep avoiding me. i said his avoidance of hanging out made me feel like he didn't have any real feeling for me or wanted anything real. I told him that i cared for him very deeply and hoped that he would talk to me and that i knew it wasn't that he didn't care at all, he wouldn't have done all the little things to keep the connection alive if he didn't. I wasn't accusatory or mean, name-calling or cruel. I felt like i was practically begging him to talk to me and help keep the relationship alive. the next morning i apologized for the way that i said everything that i stood by the words because they were honest but that i never meant to do it by text like that. i wanted an in person convo. It has been a week and he has never responded to me and i think its obvious at this point that he is done with things.
I knew about his ptsd and have never felt like he was some player or using me but I had no true idea what i was dealing with and he was not doing anything to communicate what was happening with him. after reading through many of the threads in this forum i feel like i have failed to support him but that i obviously need to leave him be for a while. I still care deeply for him but am going to use this time to see a therapist myself to work on my own abandonment issues and controlling my emotional reactions to things. I know that because we work together he is not 100% out of my life altogether and have a shred of hope that if i keep my interactions there light and friendly, that maybe someday we can be friends again and if we want to to try this again. Would it be out of line to tell him in a few weeks from now that his honesty about the ptsd has inspired me to see a therapist for my own issues and that whether we are friends or not i am still here for him if he ever needs it.
I would like to be friends again but don't know how or when to start that process. Is all this part of ptsd behavior? It would explain a lot of his behavior that i couldn't understand. I just feel like i've done such a poor job by him and wish i could tell him so. any feedback and support helps. again sorry it got so long.
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