Just Tired Of All Of It

[desiderata310]

Not entirely certain where this may be going so bare with me. I've been trying to deal with this solo for about 2-3 weeks now and I'm not doing ok.

My one of my last session ended abruptly with me dashing out the door because of known triggers becoming overwhelming in therapy. Two weeks ago was rough but by the end I was figernailing it to the end. Last week's was moved and then cancelled -first because of the protestors and then because of my therapist's chronic illness flaring up.

I don't have anyone I can talk to right now. I'm tired of fighting this. I'm exhausted from doing the cliffhanging

I'm tired of telling everyone that I'm ok when the truth is I'm fighting to just keep breathing because it's just more effort than it's worth and I'm scared of the consequences of telling anyone in the real word how close I feel to just ending all of it because the truth is it's never going to get better.

 

[shimmerz]

Desi ..... :hug::hug::hug:. I am so very sorry you are going through this.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I'm tired of telling everyone that I'm ok when the truth is I'm fighting to just keep breathing because it's just more effort than it's worth and I'm scared of the consequences of telling anyone in the real word how close I feel to just ending all of it because the truth is it's never going to get better.

I know this feeling. My husband and I were just watching an episode of the TV show House and the woman was being told she was fine and then the doctor realized she was in agony and she let out this massive scream of pain. And my husband said, I guess she wasn't fine. And I said to my husband, "That's exactly how I feel inside when I say I am fine."

Just tonight I was going over in my head whether calling the crisis workers that have been helping me through and telling them that I felt unsafe and really getting into it with them would be worth the consequences. But my husband came through with the TV distraction instead. It's moment by moment sometimes and it is brutally unfair that we feel this way and go through so much pain. But you are worth more than that pain. I am sending you thoughts of hope so you can keep clinging and maybe find a toehold to help increase that hope.

 

[RavenGirl]

@desiderata310 , it may feel like it will never get better but please don't give up! I've been there, :sorry: I Was going to "end it all" 2 different times but something stopped me. I'm SO GLAD I didn't go through with it. That was about 20yrs ago and I'm so glad I didn't go through with it. Please hang in there, you are worth it. (((HUGS))) If you'll accept them.

 

[joeylittle]

Hearing you, and really feeling for you and with you. My boat is sailing next to your boat. Keep posting whenever you need.

 

[desiderata310]

Felt a tiny bit better later last night. Not proud of the method of getting there but it was necessary. It was that or something worse.

Don't know if I should mention this to my therapist or not. I don't even have another appointment set yet.

Today I feel... empty. Flat. Kind of sick. It's supposed to be a long day of meetings and I'm not sure I can manage it.

 

[Ronin]

Desi, you're alive, well enough to write about not being in the best of shape right now, I'd say that's a darned success in self care. Please keep being.

 

[RavenGirl]

@desiderata310, sometimes the best we can do is to take it day by day. Hang in there, please NEVER GIVE UP! !life is always width it, always. Hang in they're and know that I'M ALWAYS PULLING FOR YOU! ! :happy:

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @desiderata310 - journeying with you. :hug:

 

[scout86]

the truth is it's never going to get better.

Is it really the truth? I don't think so. I think it only SEEMS like the truth.

Thinking of you and hoping there's a bit of light showing up there. :hug: