Trauma And Sadism

[Upside Down Eagle]

I wasn´t completely sure where to put this - even after four years on this forum.. :) I apologize if it isn´t the right place. I think it could be a discussion.

I managed to repress a lot of things from the past, but some are resurfacing now through EMDR. One of them being that there was a great deal of sadism involved in my trauma. In my case, sadism means two things:

- I was physically attacked and abused for about fourteen years with the justification that "I liked it" because "I kept asking for it" (I never asked to be abused, merely behaved in a way that my abuser labeled as "asking for it".

- My parent (the other one) clearly enjoyed it when I was suffering from suicidal thoughts or feeling a lot of grief, or had no means of doing something about my situation;

This has affected my brain so much that sometimes it turns against me and it tells me that I did in fact ask to be abused because I liked being humiliated.

I think sadistic abusers must be a thing that a lot of people here faced, also when they were kids (for those who suffered from child abuse). I was wondering if any of you have any advice on dealing with guilt that results from sadistic abusers and resetting the brain after all those lies.

 

[Ronin]

because I liked being humiliated.

Even if you did like it, you didn't like it in those ways & from those people.

Resetting the brain after lies? Slowly. & make peace with a thought it probably won't always work. & remember your worth even when the truth is clouded by manipulation.

 

[shimmerz]

Abusers use such f'd up words for things. And it gets into our heads.

There may have been a switch in your body language that displayed that you were relieved to no longer being tortured sadistically, but that isn't liking the humiliation. Physical abusers must use psychological abuse as well, which is much more insidious - lasts a lifetime after the physical beatings. So they need to use words that pass off the responsibility for why they are sadistic bastards. So they pass it off by using words that say that we are asking for it. Or liking it. Or loving it. Or wanting the attention. Or whatever the f they need to do in order to resolve it in their heads - to make it okay for them to be doing it to a helpless being.

Assholes.

 

[Ronin]

I was wondering if any of you have any advice on dealing with guilt

Also: Focus on you. Don't focus on them; you'd probably spin yourself ad nauseam with that, just because of how lifelong & deep sticking some forms of abuse are, and you don't need to doubt yourself and identify with your abusers.

Acknowledge it was what you did, needed to survive, it was a good thing you believed it as it helped you survive... but it isn't right, and you don't need to do it anymore, as it's not a good/helpful thing to do now.

It wasn't your fault. You were a child. Children aren't supposed to be choosing where no choice exists just to stay alive.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with @shimmerz above. I have a hard time (for myself) with self-empathy for such matters as an adult (times) though. Even looking back as a child I can see the 'helpless' part, & yet did not view myself that way either.

 

[shimmerz]

Even looking back as a child I can see the 'helpless' part, & yet did not view myself that way either.

And I think this may be because we were not actually treated as a child. We were not given that option. Adults worry about survival, children don't. The 'helpless', to me, is slightly academic. I mean, my T kept saying I was helpless, but helpless was not an option, you know?

Interesting this topic would come up right now. I am listening to an audio book on psychopaths right now. They are talking about words right now and that the difference in a psychopaths brain is that there is no emotion tied to words. They don't react to words that the rest of us do... like murder etc. You could say picnic and murder and the EEG for the psychopath would sit the same, whereas others show a definite 'difference' between the two in our reaction to those words.

Words are powerful. More powerful than I think we give credit to them for.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'd have to say that I feel shame due to the sadistic manner that I was abused. Yes, I accept that I was groomed for awhile, but once I was raped, I became full of fear, pain and shame. This was to keep me quiet. Burns, choking, fingernails dug into me. It was so painful. I'm not sure what guilt feels like. I remember just wishing it was over and of course I never questioned his authority. More shame there.

So many lies I was told. And no support from parents who dismissed my anxiety and fear. What I'm doing to overcome the fallout is to talk about it. Learn to not self destruct. It's a work in progress.

 

[Stickler]

Abusers project causation for their actions outward onto everyone else a lot of the time? They themselves are just SO innocent.
Your abuser just didn't want to own the fact that they felt like beating up a kid.

 

[sun seeker]

I think sadistic abusers must be a thing that a lot of people here faced, also when they were kids (for those who suffered from child abuse). I was wondering if any of you have any advice on dealing with guilt that results from sadistic abusers and resetting the brain after all those lies.

I'll share my story about this, but don't know if it fits with your situation or not.

There are a lot of things I can forgive, but knowing someone is actually taking pleasure in causing harm is something else. It's amazing how long it took me to recognize that my mother is one of those people who feel smug satisfaction on knowing they have hurt someone. (Or maybe it isn't so amazing... ;))

We had a very complicated, entangled relationship and yes, I had lots of guilt, for different reasons it sounds like, but guilt that kept me from seeing clearly.

It wasn't until a couple of years ago when I was talking with a friend about an incident where she physically abused me as a teenager that I saw it. The actual facts of what she did, I felt I could forgive her for (she lost her temper, she was scared, whatever). It wasn't until I let myself feel what she was feeling - that she had backed me into a corner where I was terrified of her, and she was pleased as punch about it - that I felt revulsion. I almost felt like I would throw up if I had to see her. I started avoiding her after that. Months later I told her I didn't want to talk to her. We tried to repair the relationship in family therapy, only to find that she was completely unwilling to take any responsibility for her actions and their consequences. It's taken some time, but now we have no contact. The last time I saw her my heart was in my throat, but I walked out and never looked back, knowing I would probably never see her again.

I guess I've let myself be guided by gut feelings - literally. My body gave me strong signals that she was someone I needed to stay away from. It's taken a lot of working in therapy to let go on an energetic level. I felt sorry for her more than anything.

Don't know if any of that is helpful. It's not exactly like your situation, but maybe there is something there that is similar.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@sun seeker i think your situation does fit into sadism. Getting pleasure from others pain in order to exploit them for their own selfish needs. It's more complicated when it's your Mother due to the social norm of them being magnanimous and caring. Mine dished out plenty of insults and threats and she disowned me. Then later she just inserted herself back in my life but if I never see her again, it would be ok.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm sure this was clear in context, but rereading my post I saw its ambiguous wording - it's my mother who abused me, not my friend - in the unlikely case anyone was wondering.

It's more complicated when it's your Mother due to the social norm of them being magnanimous and caring.

Yes. A hundred times yes. The cognitive dissonance is yet another layer to get through in search of truth.

I am now editing my post because there are things I tried to say, and find I can't. Still. :banghead::banghead::banghead: I so wish I could. Yes, it messes with the mind.

Sorry to take this on a tangent, but @Radise, I really think the only solution to sadists in your life is to stay far, far away. I'm so sorry you have had this experience.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Also: Focus on you. Don't focus on them; you'd probably spin yourself ad nauseam with that, just because of how lifelong & deep sticking some forms of abuse are, and you don't need to doubt yourself and identify with your abusers.

That´s a tough one. ´Cause it seems like their guilt-trip has become integral to my system, to the point where I see myself as sick and disgusting, even though other people projected those things on me (to justify what they were doing). Maybe I should try to keep that in mind.

Even looking back as a child I can see the 'helpless' part, & yet did not view myself that way either.

I´ve got the same reservation. My T said that I have very negative connotations linked to the whole "helpless" concept. She says it´s okay sometimes to be helpless, but I still have trouble accepting that - probably because of blame turned inwards.

So many lies I was told. And no support from parents who dismissed my anxiety and fear. What I'm doing to overcome the fallout is to talk about it. Learn to not self destruct. It's a work in progress.

I admire your resilience. Not self destructing is one of the most difficult things, in my experience.

I almost felt like I would throw up if I had to see her.

My abuser seemed to get a lot of satisfaction from seeing me in the same position, vulnerable and afraid. I completely recognize the feeling of wanting to throw up - I still get that just thinking about it. She still wants to see me and does not understand why I won´t speak to her. She says that "that´s the past and now we can enjoy life". Yes, but not with you thanks. ;)

It's more complicated when it's your Mother due to the social norm of them being magnanimous and caring.

Mothers who are unstable tend to sometimes also shift between these rols, which is what makes it even more messed up. She´d play the loving, caring mother one second and become a violent psychopath the next one. If that isn´t sending mixed signals...

Sorry to take this on a tangent, but @Radise, I really think the only solution to sadists in your life is to stay far, far away. I'm so sorry you have had this experience.

I am staying as far away as I can :p