Meditation: An Example Of Zen Noobery

[Ellabella44]

Part of the self compassion group doing the meditations and today's didn't go quite to plan. Feel free to share your own meditation bloopers ...


How to not meditate with self compassion body scan....

1. Put ear buds in and prepare to relax.

2. Lay down in corpse pose, realize that now you can't breathe lying on back with two pillows under head... Remove pillow..

3.Hear " focus on the top of your head, what are you feeling?" ( notice you have a headache since you haven't had breakfast...debate whether to go eat or continue on)

4.hear "focus on your neck" realize all of a sudden you are thirsty... Decide to ignore and finish meditation.

5. Hear " focus on your chest" remind self to use asthma inhaler after this is done.

6. Realize now you have to pee even though you did this before starting the meditation. Give up, take out earbuds and go.

7. Return, get comfortable and go on.

8. Hear focus on your lower arm. (Move the arm in question noting that it's the one that currently has a strained elbow...regret that you moved it)

9. Hear "focus on your lower leg". ( feel both knees start to ache because of old injuries and the weather.)

10. Hear " focus on your feet" ( promptly feel both feet cramp up)

11. Finish meditation.

12. Debate getting out of bed , really after all the above is it worth it?

13. Get nagged out of bed by stomach since you haven't had breakfast.

 

[Ronin]

14. With pets anywhere around. They have their own ideas of meditating, usually starting with 'feed me and pet me and pet me more, where do you think you're going / why aren't we going where I want to be going, yet?'

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

When you are so overwhelmed by the thoughts you are trying to learn to tolerate that you abandon the yoga ship entirely....

 

[Changing4Best]

I tried to meditate one time, not a lot since then, but I could not keep my mind empty of thoughts, it is always racing because I am Bipolar. I did a special type of meditation called CENTERING PRAYER and it worked much better for me.

In it, you choose a word to gently repeat to yourself when you find your mind wandering. That works much better for me so I do this CENTERING PRAYER occasionally now. It really is kind of neat. I am relaxed and made to feel better by it.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Ellabella44 :roflmao::joyful:

I have those style of practices all the time!:hug: Great thread!

meditation bloopers ...

*When doing Breath Meditation, your stuffy nostril collapses like a punctured inner-tube. You gasp and clutch your throat, chest region, & now focus on 'real breath work'. Rumination takes over concerning death by meditation practice thoughts.:clown:

* When switching to Body Scan Meditation (once you calm down), you stroke your extended rumbling belly, giving soothing self compassion and comfort. Unfortunately for your quiet space, the gentle pressure initiates bean gas. NOW you must quickly leave the room as your one nostril is in serious distress.

*When you try to do a yoga position as a goal set in order to 'feel' fully invested in your meditation...and then get stuck. You pray the beans will please be quiet until you figure out how to get back up.

*When you are finally, finally relaxed enough to do Loving Kindness Meditation and Jon Kabat-Zinn's guidance is so soothing that you fall asleep after a hard day of trying to practice meditation.

 

[Ronin]

When.... what do you mean I'm not supposed to end my meditative practices in punching the hell out of whatever's in sight. Right, that's not meditating. At least putting heart in it, though. Thought that's all about connections to something. Connected with raage.

 

[ms spock]

I tried to meditate one time, not a lot since then, but I could not keep my mind empty of thoughts,

Even people who have meditated for 40 years can't keep their minds free of thoughts, that is a common misperception that I suffered from for a couple of decades. It is the nature of the mind to wander and the process of mediation is noticing the wandering thoughts and bringing your focus back to the breath. The great thing is that you found a practice that works for you, and you went with that.

When you do body scans throughout panic attacks only to find out later on that it is not advised to do this.

When you do meditation with ice packs on the back of your neck in order to get the panic down and find out once again that is not the way they suggest to do things.

When you do an 8 week Mindfulness course and then have your first suicide attempts as it amplified the suicidal ideation.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I haven't been able to meditate yet, last time I tried I got too nervous within minutes and couldn't keep a position.

 

[Ellabella44]

When.... what do you mean I'm not supposed to end my meditative practices in punching the hell out of whatever's in sight. Right, that's not meditating. At least putting heart in it, though. Thought that's all about connections to something. Connected with raage.

Yes you have achieved complete and total oneness with whatever is pissing you off.... lol!

 

[Ronin]

:D:hilarious:

Imma so tell that to my mentor, Ellabella. Think he will have as much appreciation for that trace of thought as I do.

 

[sun seeker]

I was thinking of this thread the other day - well, night - when I woke up agitated and thought I'd see if meditating would get me back into a state where I could fall asleep. Feeling proud of being proactive instead of lying there in dread, I got up and went to my meditation mat... only to discover that my cat had chosen it as a spot for a nap. I didn't have the heart to disturb her.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Once I was meditating in corpse pose and my back went into spasm I was stuck for what felt like 5hrs (it totally wasn't that long) all the while my dogs licking me in the ear (the screams of pain must have woken her up). I finally managed to army crawl into the kitchen (the dogs following me wagging her tail and bringing me her toys, not now god damn it) where I keep meds and take a diazepam.
When my SO got home he asked what I'd been up to today....I was like oh nothing, too mortified to tell him I put out my back lying still. Haha:roflmao: