Other Mutism?

[Khyre Stuckey]

So sometimes when I'm going through an extreme depression and feel pushed too far emotionally i shut down and stop speaking. It's like I'm scared to speak to anyone. I want to talk but there is this barrier holding me back from speaking. Does anyone else suffer with this when they are going through a PTSD episode.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Yup. It took headphones with music on louder than I could hear my own voice to get what I needed to get out, in safe company. Something about not hearing myself say it made the barrier less strong.

LD

 

[Khyre Stuckey]

I feel paralyzed with fear right now. It's insane. I want to speak but I can't

 

[lostforgottensoul]

YES! Ususally when Im suicidal.

Ive called a crisis line one and couldnt speak, at all. I wanted to, I tried but nothing came out.

It happens in very severe emotional times too and in flashbacks and right after a nightmare but the usual times has been when im suicidal.

I have a chat & text crisis lines bookmarked now but didnt have them back then.

Oh and times i have the massive urges that i have. I think thats cuz my mind is spinning to fast and my brain is repeating VERY LOUD what i "must do" over and over. Its maddening.

Oh and i got kicked out of a free therapist's office once cuz i "wasted his time" cuz was too scared to say a word the entire hour.

I do that at times with my current therapist but way less often then it used to be when i first started going.

I think a lot of people do in very emotional times.

 

[Ronin]

Does having the words in front of you, help?

'Just' saying them, having them written down / cards / text messages as notes, the like?

 

[Khyre Stuckey]

@lost yeah I understand that. The fear that the next thing you say will be the wrong thing. The fear it will cause you more pain. It's not my words it's what people will say and do to me if I speak. I'm terrified they will say or do more things to make me cry & hurt me. It's terrifying. Because I feel worthless and scared. Like every thing I do is wrong.

@Cashew no not rly. I can write the words but I just can't speak ya know.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Khyre Stuckey i can type what i cant say.

Theres no way in hell i can say everything ive typed here and i then read some to my therapist...i dont think i process it as some do cuz in dyslexic...but then he starts a convo about it, its then i start to curl up, try to dissociate, say just one word at a time...BUT my therapist read my body langauge and micro expressions and it seems at time my mind?

So he sorta says things like "that makes you really scared, why?"...i keep staring at the table legs and answer in my mind but it doesnt come out and then he'll say "is it because of XYZ?" Which is almost always correct and by my body language of trying to curl tighter that he hit it.

Basically he's found a way to "read" me and him and only him can get me talking.

At first i had to type notes on my phone for him to read silently so he would then type a note on his and back and forth.

 

[Seasounds]

@Khyre Stuckey, I had this symptom a lot at first, your exact fear. Now, it is much improved, after a lot of patient work-breathing, vocalizing and expressive, therapeutic sessions/lessons with a really safe therapist.

AND I still have much room for improvement, especially in groups-which remind me of my childhood family. Just got triggered today from trying to talk about my feelings in a group. (My reactions: freeze, pelvis and abdominal muscles spasm, can't think clearly, cross-eyed, etc. Glad I'm at home, relaxing now; symptoms improving.)

What usually helps you?

Glad to be in your company! Thanks for describing the process.

 

[Vickie Gunter]

After being physically choked by a supervisor at work. My whole life has changed. I lost all my family

 

[Khyre Stuckey]

@Saetva Honesty I haven't figured out what helps me rly. I mean maybe if I can find something to make me laugh or if I play video games online where I'm forced to talk it gets better. I just hate it though and it feels like no one in my world understands. It's hurtful and stressful. Idk I'm a tactile person so anything that has me doing something usually helps.

 

[Khyre Stuckey]

@Vickie Gunter wow that must be a scary thing. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

 

[Vickie Gunter]

Trying to live with it