Relationship Ptsd And Love

[glass half full]

I can't tell how much this means to me. I, like so many, am secluded and sheltered to what goes on in combat. I tr...

You seem like a strong and determined woman! Good for you! It will be hard when it comes closer to his departure date. He will get more and more into his own head and seem more distant. I did not experience this, since I met mine after his retirement. But I have heard this from others, and when mine returned to his job in the middle east after visits home he began crawling into his head about 48 hours before we headed to the airport. Its how he has to deal with knowing he's going back there for another f-Ing year. That sucks- for both of you. But expect this to happen.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do and feel free to ask any questions if that might be helpful for you. I will be glad to help.

 

[Ronin]

If I may, I wouldn't be looking for him being symptom free.
I'd be looking at what you can be doing with various levels of symptoms, and still be comfortable with one another, both of you.

The PTSD is already there, the symptoms will be there; look how to incorporate them. They're not taking your beloved away from you; they're just moving you into another territory of relationship, but that's still your relationship, something you're in together.

 

[glass half full]

Cashew- that's a really good point. With all respect, I'd suggest that as these guys prepare to deploy again- it probably doesn't matter much how much of their distancing is PTSD induced and how much is the warrior lobe in their brain all lit up. However, it will matter a LOT when he returns. Redeploying will set his healing process back. While all of my posts here have been about my current relationship, this is not my first relationship with a combat vet, but it is my first with a combat vet who has PTSD. I have some weird homing device that attracts military (smile) and I've loved me several soldiers. Even those without PTSD have a tough time adjusting when they come home. They feel more alive in that environment than they ever will anywhere else and that's addictive in a way that those of us who will never experience it can begin to understand. We just have to accept it.

 

[glass half full]

I can't tell how much this means to me. I, like so many, am secluded and sheltered to what goes on in combat. I tr...

Just a thought- as he's preparing over the next few weeks- take extra care not to move or displace any of his personal items from where he usually keeps them- even stuff like his keys, toothbrush or razor. They become very ritualistic, but not quite in an OCD way. When they are in or preparing for combat they have to know that what they need is where they need it, when they need it. And everything that they are accustomed to having in place needs to be in place when they reach for it. It can be upsetting for them if its not where its supposed to be. It seems like small thing, but when in their head it can be a big deal. Many years ago I was in a relationship with an SF guy. When we stayed in a hotel and he slept in while I went to the pool or whatever, I had to keep housekeeping out of the room. If he woke up to a stranger in the room- not a good thing. Yet I could crawl into bed with him when he was asleep and no problem. He knew it was me by my footsteps and the way I smell even when asleep. Its pretty amazing what they are trained to do.

 

[Broken Heart]

If I may, I wouldn't be looking for him being symptom free.
I'd be looking at what you can be doing with v...

I'm aware he'll never be symptom free. I'm looking for advice on how to help, comfort, and support. I'm unable to get him to open about it. I know (as my bf is a VA social worker) that the best thing is for him to talk. I want to share or take some of the pain he has. I understand providing details is painful, I'm just looking for him to say, hey Broken Heart, I'm having a bad day, it's not you. He has his days and unfortunately, he has shut down due to a scheduled deployment and other life stressors. It's so hard for him to talk about it and I think he's going to avoid addressing his issues. Either way I'll be here when he returns. Thanks!

 

[Broken Heart]

Just a thought- as he's preparing over the next few weeks- take extra care not to move or displa...

Hi Friend, To add fuel to the fire we are in a LDR. It's difficult but I'll do whatever it takes. I took your advice and I read The Things They Won't Say today on the plane ride home. It really gave me a glimpse into what a soldier goes through in combat and at home after. I have to say the stories were tough to read but I think we as a society need to hear them so I'm glad Kevin wrote the book. I told my love that I'm reading it and he wanted me to stop. I also said I was watching related war videos on Kevin's website. He went into total protection mode as he didn't want me to cry. I told him I doing this for him. So he can see that I can handle whatever it is he has inside. Of course I'll be saddened and terrified by what I hear but I really do think I can handle it. I hope he realizes that and begins to open up to me. I'm onto Once a Warrior Always a Warrior next. Thanks for your advice, it's really helping me understand what it is a soldier goes through. I think they/we forget their only human. And as humans we aren't meant to hear, see, and do things that those do in war. Thanks again!

 

[Ronin]

that the best thing is for him to talk.

No, not really. Too much can't be said in words; or the heaviness of the words that seem mundane will be understood only by those with the similar experiences.

I want to share or take some of the pain he has.

You can't, either.
Share that pain, nor take it away.
Even if you could relate, it's still personal.
You can't 'share' pain and suffering of one another.

hey Broken Heart, I'm having a bad day, it's not you.

See, that's quite other thing though :)
Give him time.
It's not you, already, and you can see his bad days, so wait for those that are better ones and meantime just be there.

Chances are given he's counting with you wide into the future, enough to come back to you after next deployment? He's having you in his heart already, and he don't need to announce everything as a 'bad day', because you figure in the worse ones, and survived-through-the-worse ones, too. That's a lot you're counted on with, already. :)

 

[glass half full]

Hi Friend, To add fuel to the fire we are in a LDR. It's difficult but I'll do whatever it takes. I took your advi...

He may not be able to tell you about his own personal experiences at this time. He knows what he's headed back into and may not want to verbalize it, for his own sake and for yours. There is a very interesting post somewhere on this site- I think its titled Ten Things Your Combat Vet Wants You to Know- it was written by a vet and shared here by his wife. Good stuff for maybe getting an idea of what your guy may feel about you getting a glimpse into.his ugly reality.

People in general often have an interesting take on where our men have been and what they have done, as well as how we feel about it. I was asked more than once if my vets had killed anyone. I never asked them. I do not know the answer for my current guy. I did know the answer for the SF guy because one night after a couple of drinks he told me a couple of stories. I knew when he started talking that if I flinched or if my facial expression changed, he would shut down and stop talking. But despite the fact that what he had to say was disturbing, the only thing I cared about was that he did what he had to do and that he was there with me to tell me about it. When the time comes that your man does talk, you'll find the same to be true. Its more complicated for them, tho.

In my more recent relationship, he was proactive about opening up to me, but I had told him that I had heard things before that are generally not said and he understood what I meant by that. He and I just agreed that when he needed or wanted to tell me something he should just do so, not worry about chronology or setting a context- just tell me what was on his mind. Our other baseline was that I had his explicit permission to ask any questions I had about the story he told me so I could understand better. Last guideline was that he would always tell me what he could, and he would let me know when it reached a line he could not cross due to security clearance issues. That worked well for us.

As you learn more, it might be a good idea not to tell him more detail about what you read- especially since he urged you to stop reading the first book. They have a very protective mindset, even if they don't express it. They want to protect us from the ugliness and most of them are not proud of what they had to do. Mine told me that he hated going out on patrol. Why? Because he had to be an asshole- many patrols are intended to provoke or attempt to provoke hostile responses so they can assess the mood of the locals and to feel out where the hostiles are. Mine hated the provocation aspect and being a provoking asshole. I'm sure he didn't like the risk of being killed, but that's not what most bothers him now.

Your LDR may be a,blessing in disguise during his deployment- you're already accustomed to not having him around daily and you have your own life, which will be very important.