Sufferer new here, unsure what kind of life i'm living

My thoughts and memories are scrambled, but I will try to keep this concise. I don't think I can fully recognize the extent of abuse in my family. My mom and I have a complicated relationship. She wants me to move on from my childhood and leave the past in the past so she can stop "walking on eggshells" around me. She claims I've fried her nervous system with my mental health issues over the years. My dad is emotionally absent. He doesn't understand emotional decisions. Some people suspect he has mild autism. They pay for my whole lifestyle and my expensive university. They check in on my sometimes while I'm at school.

I feel like as I get better I also get worse. I'm in my early 20s now and I can feel real mental illness setting in, different than the anhedonia and lack of self-identity of my childhood. I've lost interest in socializing and anything beyond the feeling of achievement and drugs. I go to a very good school paid for by my parents and landed a great internship and entry-level position for when I graduate in May. But I still feel anxious all the time, and like everything will be taken away from me at any moment. I've become very paranoid. It feels like any laughter I hear is directed at me, and that the people passing me in their cars are watching and talking about me. I go home to my apartment and can't help but sit frozen for hours from the anxiety daily life brings me. I feel like my friends will realize at any moment that I'm actually weird and they won't want to hang out with me anymore. I should note that I've been in therapy and did the work for many years. I tried many anti-depressants and anti-psychotics but with all I get the black box warning symptoms. In my last meeting with one of my therapists I had in my collegetown, she agreed when I asked if she thought my mom was/is verbally abusive.

It's hard to tell if I'm actually being abused or not. I can't really distinguish between neutral and hostile behaviors. My mom tells me my perceptions of the world are wrong and that I'm misinterpreting neutral things as mean. She tells me she knows me better than I know myself. Honestly, my memories have started to slip away and I'm not sure what is real and what I've made up.

Welcome to the forum!

o3tter said:

She wants me to move on from my childhood and leave the past in the past so she can stop "walking on eggshells" around me.

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What happened in your childhood?

o3tter said:

I'm in my early 20s now and I can feel real mental illness setting in, different than the anhedonia and lack of self-identity of my childhood. I've lost interest in socializing and anything beyond the feeling of achievement and drugs.

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This is behavioural. Make yourself get out and socialise. You don't have to drink or do drugs, just get out and be around others your age. The best thing you could do for yourself, is join an active group, ie. walking, running, climbing, something active to exercise. Not a gym. This covers two birds, one stone. You're out and around others with a similar interest AND exercise will pretty much stop all and any depression / low mood.

o3tter said:

But I still feel anxious all the time, and like everything will be taken away from me at any moment. I've become very paranoid.

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Rational, you can lose everything at any time. Your focus is your choice. That simple. You can focus on "what ifs" or you can focus on what is around you, what is real, what is now and present. You can't change the past, you can't predict the future, but you do control what you do in present tense. It is the one thing you do control. Controlling your present then leads to better past memories and more hopeful future aspirations. See how that works? All from focusing solely on your present.

Even your past memories are about your present. You think about something now, from your past, this is all in your control. Can you change your past? No. Your past can absolutely help you shape your present and future though, by the decisions you make now. It isn't about forgetting your past, or moving on from it, but how much do you choose to focus upon it.

o3tter said:

It feels like any laughter I hear is directed at me, and that the people passing me in their cars are watching and talking about me.

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More cognitive distortions. This article is for you, your problem and solution: Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)

o3tter said:

I tried many anti-depressants and anti-psychotics but with all I get the black box warning symptoms.

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I would honestly not EVER try and use pharmaceuticals as the first line treatment. Therapy is a best guess. Therapy depends on the person, the relationship built, not much else. You can get the same equal result from therapy that you can from talking with a good friend, sharing thoughts and emotions, providing that friend is open to honest talk and feedback.

o3tter said:

My mom tells me my perceptions of the world are wrong and that I'm misinterpreting neutral things as mean. She tells me she knows me better than I know myself. Honestly, my memories have started to slip away and I'm not sure what is real and what I've made up.

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Some of this sounds more to do with your age, the fact you have matured in a woke society of noise and bullshit. Its hard for some of that not to stick to you, good, bad or otherwise.

My suggestion is not ever allow someone else to define dictate or control you your life your reality.

Well, as a positive, structural changes baked in and just across the horizon are going to avail you the ability to place distance between yourself and your parents and all legacies suggested, radiating from, and in a manner of speaking - waiting to be explored - albeit just not right now. Not everyone could have pressed through the social/educational environment and bureaucratic hurdles to coming through the past few years of life to not only get into one of your assumedly preferred postsecondary educational choices, but to be more or less intact and poised to collect that degree and be positioned to engage the referenced internship. Years will pass, and the anomie experienced so hotly now may be replaced with something else. Hold out for that something else...

Strange environments, light social ties at risk of strain and rupture, heady competition for all things in the manner of the gory economy new college graduates face seems wholly understandable grounds for what might be termed derealization tendencies felt. I remember attending school in NYC and after a period I had to tell myself (again and again) that all the happy faces and eclectic friendships depicted across photos found in promotional materials were evidence of the triumph of marketing and not necessarily guaranteed. No - very few friends then, blunted affect my everyday 'look', whereas appreciate that at different stages of your life that you'll also experience expanding but also contracting social circles - yes, evolving social needs. You may decide you prefer to be relatively isolated, that certain structural casting decisions (speaking of family) just wasn't opportune to eventually work out/shake out past patterns on your own multi-decade schedule as many of us here have been required to do.

I guess and in a manner of speaking I'm trying to afford you support to the extent that you've held up well enough despite the internal turmoil and feelings edging towards imposter syndrome with hints of guilt for all the attendant expense of everything - although know a great many students around you are also doing the dance consistent with appearing calm on the surface while vigorously moving the flippers beneath the surface. Some of your fellow students will show cracks and stumble spectacularly given they'll not be quite as creative as some in terms of beating down matters unresolved manifest many a way; i.e. parental expectations/ambitions transplanted onto their kids, abuse legacies ranging from the discreet to the shockingly overt, etc. I think of a scene from the 1992 film Last of the Mohicans where Daniel Day Lewis addresses Madeline Stowe (Cora) when things seem to have wholly come undone to the point of being irrecoverable and imploring her to SURVIVE - whatever you do, whatever happens - SURVIVE! Not that Cora wasn't possessed of certain strengths do understand and appreciate here, but the need to remain adaptable and function minute to minute to make the absolute best of what was shockingly unpleasant circumstance stays with the viewer of such...

I appreciate that 'give it time' sounds rather trite advice at such junctures as this, although there's something very good about discovering yourself to the extent of gingerly and with greater confidence, aplomb and daring redefine much about your life including the extended work of more carefully unwinding and identifying unpleasant legacies consistent with knowing what they are, arresting certain tendencies and erecting means to better defend personal boundaries, and eventually emerging as that adult that will have done the work to, in a manner of speaking, arrest the rot to extent such is possible for anyone. We love our parents (most here are disfigured in ways great and small for this inbuilt biological defect of ours), although with creative and sustained application, we aren't fated to become them. Focus on you now, appreciate that many across their student years have struggled with the same difficult to define bundle of legacies (sometimes further complicated by high achieving parents with less easily decoded imperfections/legacies of their own), and as horrid as the current affairs news and economic situation is for many, that in a modest but valued sense - the future does sort of below to you.

KA60 said:

My suggestion is not ever allow someone else to define dictate or control you your life your reality.

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Also possibly research family systems theory the transmission of transgenerational trauma codependency and roles of golden child scapegoat black sheep

Also. Suggestion. Resesrch family systems therapy transmission of transgenerational trauma codependency golden child scapegoat blacksheep

anthony said:

What happened in your childhood?

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Typical story of volatile mom and emotionally absent dad, and no real friends outside of that until midway into college (for which i am very grateful). A lot of weird confusing experiences with old men. In elementary school I started to show some signs of depression/tried to hurt myself leading to a pseudo-exorcism (got taken to many spiritual ‘healers’…). A lot of small things like a public car accident and some other things that continued into college making my childhood/adolescence feel like a bit of a blur. nothing close to war but i am recognizing that it has taken a toll on how i feel in my body

KA60 said:

My suggestion is not ever allow someone else to define dictate or control you your life your reality.

Click to expand...

Thank you for the advice. I’ve been working on restoring my own sense of judgement through more social interaction. visually i see many neutral expressions as negative and it can be very stressful. regardless i will continue to work through it! recently i heard someone say that you should act in line with your valued actions rather than your emotions and accept any feelings that come up. in this case my valued action is meeting new people and having a nice dinner, and ignoring the discomfort of not knowing if the person next to me is actually sending me signals to back off

KA60 said:

Also. Suggestion. Resesrch family systems therapy transmission of transgenerational trauma codependency golden child scapegoat blacksheep

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I think i may somehow be the hero when my parents brag about my accomplishments to others but the black sheep within the family

I understand. I was the scapegoat who is now free. Not much left of my family. My father my brother basically. I try everyday - live to forgive

o3tter said:

My thoughts and memories are scrambled, but I will try to keep this concise. I don't think I can fully recognize the extent of abuse in my family. My mom and I have a complicated relationship. She wants me to move on from my childhood and leave the past in the past so she can stop "walking on eggshells" around me. She claims I've fried her nervous system with my mental health issues over the years. My dad is emotionally absent. He doesn't understand emotional decisions. Some people suspect he has mild autism. They pay for my whole lifestyle and my expensive university. They check in on my sometimes while I'm at school.

I feel like as I get better I also get worse. I'm in my early 20s now and I can feel real mental illness setting in, different than the anhedonia and lack of self-identity of my childhood. I've lost interest in socializing and anything beyond the feeling of achievement and drugs. I go to a very good school paid for by my parents and landed a great internship and entry-level position for when I graduate in May. But I still feel anxious all the time, and like everything will be taken away from me at any moment. I've become very paranoid. It feels like any laughter I hear is directed at me, and that the people passing me in their cars are watching and talking about me. I go home to my apartment and can't help but sit frozen for hours from the anxiety daily life brings me. I feel like my friends will realize at any moment that I'm actually weird and they won't want to hang out with me anymore. I should note that I've been in therapy and did the work for many years. I tried many anti-depressants and anti-psychotics but with all I get the black box warning symptoms. In my last meeting with one of my therapists I had in my collegetown, she agreed when I asked if she thought my mom was/is verbally abusive.

It's hard to tell if I'm actually being abused or not. I can't really distinguish between neutral and hostile behaviors. My mom tells me my perceptions of the world are wrong and that I'm misinterpreting neutral things as mean. She tells me she knows me better than I know myself. Honestly, my memories have started to slip away and I'm not sure what is real and what I've made up.

Click to expand...

I'm only new here but have 10 years experience dealing with similar issues. For one, your friends won't think you are weird, reach out and talk. This is the biggest mistake I made. And you have fear losing everything, I think I am dealing with that now. Good things happen, positives etc, but waiting for the bad thing and feeling like its coming. I guess a lot is in our head and focusing on only the positives helps instead of waiting for or looking for the negative.