I'm living a nightmare. grandmother committed suicide.

[ladee]

You are grieving . And the people left behind have so many unanswerable questions. And you will never unsee your loved Granny the way you last saw her. But you can replace that picture in your mind with the many memories you have.
The fun times. The hugs. The times she cooked. All of it.
She lives in your heart forever.
This is a very hard thing to process. Don't minimize your feelings.
And I'm sure if anyone sees you going for counseling, they will only be thinking how brave you are to get help with this.
Hope your sleep gets better.
Try some meditations on relaxing. Youtube has many
Thinking of you and sending gentle hugs across the miles if you accept.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Wow, @Will86 .... I am so sorry for your suffering.... Please forgive my more lighthearted greeting on your profile page. I'm glad you've found a place to write. Your English is excellent.

 

[Will86]

Ladee,

It's simply beautiful what you just said, warms my heart and helps me to be more positive. I can tell you like writting, I might be wrong but I'm almost sure you are good at it.

I remember a couple of days ago before she passed away, she looked worried as usual for the past 2 years so I asked her: ''what is bothering you grandma ?'' she said ''I love you all way too much''. She looked like a child, an innocent child. I said ''It's ok, don't worry then, we gonna be fine'', she responded ''I hope'' followed by a sigh. I showed her my cheek and she kissed it with love. I remember this moment very very well. When I think about it, it was probably the last kiss she gave me.

I want to replace the bad images of her suicide by nice one but it's kind of hard even tho I try, the bad images get the best of it.
Apparently going trough a suicide from a loved one is a particular process, it's hard to accept.
I wish she would have died of a heart attack or a disease. Maybe it's ignorant from me to say this but as horrible as it is, I would have taken it better I think, I would have been sad, of course but not left with horrible pain, misunderstanding, unanswered questions and sorrow for her.

When my other grandmother died, I felt pain but it was easier to accept even tho I loved her. First because I saw her less in my childhood than my mother's mother (we were close but not as close as the one who committed suicide) and secondly because her death came gradually, we knew she was going to die.

I wonder how she felt before she jumped, how lonely she felt, I feel pity and guilt for her when I think about it.
Could have I saved her ? could I have prevent this to happen ? You still had a couple of years to live in front of you, why couldn't you see it ? Where is your spark and your love for this life gone ? She were in good health physically.. it's just that mentally she was broken without any legitimate reasons.

On the letter she wrote before she jumped, it was actually filled with non sense and horrible things like ''I'm a bad person, don't cry for me''.
She was very scared of Donal Trump and talked a lot about it before she died (sorry for those who support him here, I personally don't care and I don't want to engage in a politic argument )
In the letter, she also said ''the Nazi are coming back''. She was very young during world war 2 and she has some memories, maybe she was stressing out over it, I don't know. I remember she told me a story a long time ago that she peed on german soldiers with her sister from her balcony lol.. She described me the bombing as well. I don't really know.. I try to look for a reason, maybe she was traumatized from world war 2 still and it somehow came out lately. The father of my grandmother also died during this war, i think it's important to mention, might be connected.

 

[ladee]

It is a different kind of grief Will...all the questions.
This is my personal belief..from loosing friends to suicide...that a power greater than us...gives permission for some to leave this way.
That the people left behind can be strong to endure the questions and self doubt.
You are blessed to have a close family...and it will be stronger now than before.
She left you a legacy of love. A legacy of strength you didn't know you would be called on to use.
She will provide answers for you along your own journey of life.
But you get to cry..to be sad..to be angry and feel guilty.
Please come here and share with us.
You have a very strong foundation...her death has lessons...and you are already an amazing young man. Thank you for letting us be a part of your journey.
You are not alone.
Offer your face to her for a kiss. Her love for you is not gone.
Gentle hugs.

 

[Fadeaway]

Welcome. First off, I would like to say that I think it is important for you to grieve however you need too. There is no shame in seeing a counselor. Seeing a school counselor after the loss of a family member is pretty common. I don't think any one would think there was something wrong with you for that. At least I would hope not.

I am very saddened to hear about the fear trump caused her, and as an American you have my deepest sympathies for that.

 

[Will86]

Ladee,

Thank you, your words touch me and really makes me feel better. I'm sorry for the friends you have lost to suicide, that's terrible, I understand where you come now more than ever and will try to convince myself of what you just wrote, it’s sad but it meantime beautiful.
I truly appreciate that.
I’m a bit stressed tonight, I said to my ex girlfriend to take care of herself and sleep in her room tonight, she has to look after herself too.
I’m alone and I’m scared of seeing something appearing in my room and I’m frightened by the vision I have in my head, can’t help it.. When I’m not on my computer, I keep looking everywhere in my room like something was going to happen.
I light a candle and put it on my desk to honor her memory. It’s silly but this candle somehow helps me.

I feel so guilty because to be honest, It crossed my mind once, smth like 1 week before she passed away. I said to myself ‘’and if she committed suicide ?’’ but I quickly chased this thought out of my mind and told myself ‘’she would never do that’’.
I should have been more protective towards her, making her feel more secure, I don’t know.. I tried to make her feel good but I feel like I failed, should have done more.
I’m scared for my sister too now.. She suffered from depression for a very long time and last year she tried to kill herself but thanks god, my mother saved her life just in time, we got really lucky. I’m scared my mother's heart gives up and she dies too. She had her first epilepsy just before I came back to my country.

I took with me one of my grandmother's book she recently had, it’s a book for children I believe, inside, there are tons of pages where you can color butterfly. We bought it for her to keep her mind busy while she was not feeling good.
After she died, I opened this book.
I saw that on one of a page, she wrote in english: ‘’I love'' followed by my name,then just under my name, the name of my mother, uncle’s name and my sister’s name.’’ That’s really weird.. Why did she write this in english ? I don’t get it, she didn’t know how to say one word in english and never heard her speaking it. On another page, there was just one sentence that she wrote in english again that just said: ‘’I love you’’.
From there, I decided to keep this book with me, it’s with me in my room.

Fadeaway,

I assume the media on television also didn’t help as they always exaggerate everything and always try to feed people’s minds with fear.
When you listen to them, you feel like the third world war is coming up soon so no wonder why she started having delusional thoughts about German nazi coming back soon and such.. It’s really frustrating and sad she thought this way and was so scared like this.
I believe she also hide some of her ‘’crazy’’ thoughts from us. As I was watching her, she was constantly lost in her thoughts, thinking, and you could tell it was not nice thought she was having.
It’s really stupid but I don’t want other people to think I’m weak if they see me going to the counselor but I will go for sure.. As soon as I feel ready for it. Thank you for taking the time to answer this thread and giving a hand.