Ecdysis
Diamond Member
I'm in a weird situation regarding "passive slow-motion" suicide.
When I was younger and physically healthier, it would've been quite a lot of active effort to die by suicide, but now I'm older and my health is so poor, it wouldn't take much effort at all... I'm sort of like a diabetic who, if they completely f*ck up their medication and insulin will manage to die within like 6 - 12 months, and it would be recorded as a death due to unmanaged diabetes... Or similar for a kidney patient, or heart patient, who doesn't take their meds and does the opposite of what the doctor's say...
Like it's a passive, slow suicide, but would be recorded as natural death due to health complications from a serious chronic illness. Anyway, the point is, that when I was younger, it was pretty clear what was actual SI attempts and what was not.
I know for others, it's not that clear cut... Like, serious alcohol addiction or drug addiction or serious eating disorders or other forms of self-harm would fall into that category of slow-motion passive suicide too. I guess stuff like super risky driving or super risky sports, where people are thrill-seeking in a way that death is quite a possible/probable part of the equation can also fit that bill.
But in my case, I didn't do that kind of stuff when I was younger. So now I'm in that blurry slow-motion passive SI situation for the first time.
I find it especially confusing in medical situations where I'm getting treatment (sometimes quite complex and expensive) aimed at keeping me alive, while my brain is trying to die in that subtle, passive, slow-motion way, not the "dramatic" fast/active ways that we ususally think of suicide attempts as.
It feels so weird to me that medical staff (external to me) are trying to keep me alive, while large parts of my brain (not all) are like "Hey, it's soooo easy to die... I just need to not take my meds properly and do the opposite of what I'm meant to do and, yah, eeeeasy..." And I feel so, so weird having medical staff doing complicated stuff like scintigraphys, while I'm silently sitting there going hmm... so I'm voluntarily at this medical appointment whose purpose is to keep me alive, while I'm kind of actively-passively trying to die...???"
I'm so confused by it. I've written about it before, and I've fired my last trauma T cos he was so, so useless at talking about suicidal ideation. It's like part of my brain (70%?) is trying to die and a smaller part (30%?) is like "No, no, that's just a symptom of depression... Get the depression treated and try and stay alive..." Those two conflicting stances already have me beyond confused.
And then add in the blurry slow-motion passive suicide that doesn't "really" seem like a "proper" suicide to make it more confusing, and then add in medical treatments trying to keep me alive at the same time as much of my brain is trying to find subtle but effective ways of dying?
Ugh... I just don't get it or how to deal with it or any of it...
Edit to add:
This is what the AI (ChatGPT 5.3) says about it - I'm pasting the official terms it used, because I think they're quite helpful for me to get my head around it:
"Passive suicidal ideation – wishing for death or being indifferent to living, without an immediate active plan.
Self-neglect – intentionally or semi-intentionally not caring for one’s health.
Indirect self-destructive behavior – patterns where harm accumulates slowly rather than through a single act.
Chronic suicidal ambivalence – living in a long-term state where parts of the mind lean toward death while others continue living.
Researchers sometimes call this “life-threatening non-adherence” when it involves medication or medical care.
It’s surprisingly common in chronic illness and long-term depression."
When I was younger and physically healthier, it would've been quite a lot of active effort to die by suicide, but now I'm older and my health is so poor, it wouldn't take much effort at all... I'm sort of like a diabetic who, if they completely f*ck up their medication and insulin will manage to die within like 6 - 12 months, and it would be recorded as a death due to unmanaged diabetes... Or similar for a kidney patient, or heart patient, who doesn't take their meds and does the opposite of what the doctor's say...
Like it's a passive, slow suicide, but would be recorded as natural death due to health complications from a serious chronic illness. Anyway, the point is, that when I was younger, it was pretty clear what was actual SI attempts and what was not.
I know for others, it's not that clear cut... Like, serious alcohol addiction or drug addiction or serious eating disorders or other forms of self-harm would fall into that category of slow-motion passive suicide too. I guess stuff like super risky driving or super risky sports, where people are thrill-seeking in a way that death is quite a possible/probable part of the equation can also fit that bill.
But in my case, I didn't do that kind of stuff when I was younger. So now I'm in that blurry slow-motion passive SI situation for the first time.
I find it especially confusing in medical situations where I'm getting treatment (sometimes quite complex and expensive) aimed at keeping me alive, while my brain is trying to die in that subtle, passive, slow-motion way, not the "dramatic" fast/active ways that we ususally think of suicide attempts as.
It feels so weird to me that medical staff (external to me) are trying to keep me alive, while large parts of my brain (not all) are like "Hey, it's soooo easy to die... I just need to not take my meds properly and do the opposite of what I'm meant to do and, yah, eeeeasy..." And I feel so, so weird having medical staff doing complicated stuff like scintigraphys, while I'm silently sitting there going hmm... so I'm voluntarily at this medical appointment whose purpose is to keep me alive, while I'm kind of actively-passively trying to die...???"
I'm so confused by it. I've written about it before, and I've fired my last trauma T cos he was so, so useless at talking about suicidal ideation. It's like part of my brain (70%?) is trying to die and a smaller part (30%?) is like "No, no, that's just a symptom of depression... Get the depression treated and try and stay alive..." Those two conflicting stances already have me beyond confused.
And then add in the blurry slow-motion passive suicide that doesn't "really" seem like a "proper" suicide to make it more confusing, and then add in medical treatments trying to keep me alive at the same time as much of my brain is trying to find subtle but effective ways of dying?
Ugh... I just don't get it or how to deal with it or any of it...
Edit to add:
This is what the AI (ChatGPT 5.3) says about it - I'm pasting the official terms it used, because I think they're quite helpful for me to get my head around it:
"Passive suicidal ideation – wishing for death or being indifferent to living, without an immediate active plan.
Self-neglect – intentionally or semi-intentionally not caring for one’s health.
Indirect self-destructive behavior – patterns where harm accumulates slowly rather than through a single act.
Chronic suicidal ambivalence – living in a long-term state where parts of the mind lean toward death while others continue living.
Researchers sometimes call this “life-threatening non-adherence” when it involves medication or medical care.
It’s surprisingly common in chronic illness and long-term depression."
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