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Thank you and in some ways I understand this. The problem is as I take this journey it opens all kinds of dark doors and in someways I am worse. When I was dissociating I never thought about any of this and now that I am dealing with it it is all I think about :-(

So true, I hid it for almost 50 years. Honestly, other than my wife and T I still don't want anyone to know.

I would also not consider them abusive in anyway. I would say in retrospect they were not as involved as they probably should have been I am not familiar with that term? I think hero would be a pretty odd designation for my journey, more a story of lost opportunities, poor choices and self...

20, 30, 40 years ago or for that matter 5 years ago if you had asked me about my childhood upbringing I would have called it pretty normal. Deep in my disassociated highly compartmentalized mind I knew that I had been sexual assaulted by a pedophile from the ages of 10-12. Those memories so...

Interesting, for me absolutely not. Thinking or talking about my trauma's breaks me down every-time. Still trying to deal with my initial trauma of CSA at 10-12 by an outsider but the additional traumas from my family from 12-19 actually caused more negative consequences in my life, hard to talk...

Could be, I was actually one of the last patients for this T before she retired, she was about 80. She was very good and helped me through my initial mental collapse 5 years ago. When it revisited me about a year ago I had to find a new T and luckily the one I found not only specializes in CSA...

My first T 5 years ago was an EMDR expert for 40 years, she tried it with me about 5 times, never worked, not even a little, at least for me. She did say that my defenses where like a steel wall

Actually that is sort of what I fear because I have been blaming myself my whole life, not sure I am a good judge of my own guilt. Obviously not but I made sure both my children did go to college and understood from when they were young children you go to elementary school, then middle school...

After 6 months of weekly therapy with a really insightful therapist I am trying to come to grips with what I have learned were multiple traumas in my youth. For over 45 years I never told a sole but new inside that I was damaged by abuse of a pedophile from 10-12. I have lived with the self...

Coming to the realization that your parents whom you loved and cherished where in fact, not perfect is a gut punch.

Let me start off by saying that I loved both my parents deeply and they loved me as well. This is what is making this process so complicated. With guidance and help from my T I am beginning to understand my childhood was more complicated. My parents had their issues and got divorced when I was...

I have read that EMDR can be very effective. My initial T 5 years ago who had been practicing EMDR for 30 years tried 4 times with me, could not even scratch the surface of the steel wall surrounding my Traumas

Quick follow up. Went to the Dr who confirmed a Laryngospasm. The good news is he said it might never come back but if it does he taught me how to counter it. What caused this, all part of a neuropathy issue I have that actually my be tied to my PTSD. The journey continues

I have spoken with my T through email and after my medical appt on Tuesday, based on outcome it may be kicked over to my T One good piece of news I am getting my first vaccine shot next week :-)

I had the strangest thing happen two nights ago, I woke out of a sound sleep and could not breath, literally no inhale and no exhale other than a minor trickle. This went on for 2-3 minutes, my wife was freaking out and trying to clear my throat but there was no obstruction. Slowly over about...

I have now had about 20 weekly sessions with my T. Making progress but still stuck a little on a few things, ok more than a few. My T tells me all the time that I am viewing and judging my actions at that age through my current adult eyes as opposed to me 10yo self. I blame myself for never...

I totally understand but there is no one other than my T in this world that I would share this with other than my wife whom I love and trust 150%

Yes, 3 steps forward, 2 back

Yesterday I had my wife join in for my session. I have told my wife only the very basic info about my CSA and having her in the session allowed my T to help me fill in the grey spots. I think this was a very good session as she was able to tell my wife more than I can both clinically and...

Thank you, it is a journey with no clear end. I have invited my wife to join my next session tomorrow. I want my T to help explain my traumas, I am not able to do that yet myself

Discouraging in that you don't like your T or just don't like the additional traumas being raised? If it is the former, change and find someone you like if the latter, stay with it

There is no doubt that therapy has saved me even if it has uncovered additional troubling traumas. I have been lifted out of the depths of debilitating depression and able to function but now I am learning how do deal with additional traumas that I had not considered before. Now my therapy is...

This happens constantly with my T. She often shares insights that are spot on but are not related to what I have told her. What I finally figured out is that because she has been trained and worked in the filed of CSA for many years she has insight that I don't. She is able to take disperate...

Thank you for the support. I would not say I am angry more disappointed and confused

That is what caught me by surprise with my T. I would give anything to see both my parents today, I miss them and loved them so much. My Father who passed about 35 years ago was my best friend and we lived together for a number of years before I got married. My mother who passed 15 years ago...