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I incorporate outside sounds into my dreams. I guess part of me is always listening- alert. It's getting to the point that I know what happened outside of me when I wake up.

I have double vision. Had it my entire life (from what I'm told). I suppose I'm used to it. I only really notice it if I concentrate on it- damn it! Sometimes I like to walk on my toes. It just feels good.

I have screamed in dreams. I woke up 'screaming' once, but it was kind of like a cross between a whisper and a moan.

I was just thinking this the other day. If I could just cut it off...

I hid in my closet. I'd shut the door (as best I could- accordion doors) and have a lamp in there. I also hid in the attic until my father found me one time and dragged me (literally by the arm) out of the house in my nightgown. He almost took me to school that way too.

You know, I think I used to do something like this... it's fuzzy now. Can't recall exactly...

Me too! I still have my blanket. *looks sheepish*

I like this thread. Coffee and cream (when I can drink it) Hot sweet Darjeeling tea Chocolate Being able to weed my garden Finding frogs and toads and just looking at and holding them Catching lizards/snakes in my yard and just looking at and holding them Watching the birds at my feeder...

I used to sit over the heating vents too. I'd pull my nightgown over it and pull my arms inside, so I was in a little oven (hee hee little Sethe). We lived up north. For some reason, I found that act to be very comforting (usually when my father was out of the house).

You know, it seems we're all still in 'Hell.' We may have left physically, but emotionally/mentally- we're still there. Sorry for the sidetrack, I've just been thinking about this a lot lately.

This article was very helpful.

Yesterday, I could not get out of my head being part of the 'audience.' My mother and I were forced to witness my father's rages. My brother was sometimes there, but he usually ran away from the house. I could see the kitchen and the TV room and I could feel the absolutely soul-crushing terror...

I'm thankful for: air conditioning, Coke, chocolate and a bf who is willing to tolerate my crying jags. I may feel helpless and trapped right now, but at least I'm not alone and I'm with someone who has my best interests in mind.

I'm happy for you SC.

This resonates with me. Add on 'failure', 'worthless', 'piece of shit', 'not important' ...

My parents show no guilt that I can see. My mother continues to support my father even though living with him scared the crap out of me- not literally (though I'm very surprised by that- I did learn to hold it for hours due to the fear). I wish they would at least acknowledge something. My...

Wow, so it's not just me...

Wall of denial? Yes. Not me though. I used to hide under the bathroom sink.

Fearful. INCREDIBLY fearful. Wait, I mean TERRIFIED. Feeling like I'm dying. Bad feelings.

Right now I want to beat the shit out of a rock with my bare hands, then curl up into a ball and die. (this is not a call for help) So, I suppose my feeling of the day would be 'frustrated.'

All I have to say is, Yes, food can be an addiction. :(

Not blathering. Yes, it is hard! I've been struggling with it all day. I'm just learning to be gentler with myself. Tapes were running full blast today. Some days are harder than others. Practice.

I have yelled at the old tapes in the past, but lately I've found that I need a more nurturing way to deal with the pain and shame. Sometimes yelling at myself just brings on even more shame. I try to be gentle with myself and acknowledge how I'm feeling. I use positive, repetitive self talk...

-that 'something bad will happen.' -not being 'important/loved' by anyone. -that I really am 'worthless.' -driving over bridges. -being a passenger in a car when someone else is driving. -people walking behind me. -sleeping. That's all I can write. I always drive myself and I started talking...

My insomnia started up again. I've also been waking up with my jaw hurting a bit. It could be related to 'family stress' due to increased interaction or the work I've been doing with my T. It's also been hard to relax and 'let my guard down.'