Child Abuse And Guilt

[Sethe]

I curled up in fetal position and wedged myself between the wall and my long dresser with my hands over both ears and was silently screaming... for years when I'd get upset, my mouth would open but no sound would come out. I would want to scream but was afraid to.

You know, I think I used to do something like this... it's fuzzy now. Can't recall exactly...

 

[Sethe]

Mine was my wardrobe. I used to hide in there while Hell rained down everywhere else.
Scott

I hid in my closet. I'd shut the door (as best I could- accordion doors) and have a lamp in there. I also hid in the attic until my father found me one time and dragged me (literally by the arm) out of the house in my nightgown. He almost took me to school that way too.

 

[freakofnurture]

How would you tell if an abuser feels authentic guilt about what they did?

 

[BloomInWinter]

How would you tell if an abuser feels authentic guilt about what they did?

GREAT question!

Am trying to figure out...does it matter? They aren't getting near my kids - EVER. They aren't welcome in my home. I may have forgiveness in my heart but they aren't deserving of my trust. I don't owe them forgiveness nor trust. But if I choose forgiveness for me, that's ok.

If I choose trust and they harm me again or my kids, that's NOT ok.

I guess what their feelings are or aren't don't have to hold back my healing or change my self-protective actions.

A truly remorseful person would understand that and not demand more. Because that only benefits them, not us.

 

[freakofnurture]

I may have forgiveness in my heart but they aren't deserving of my trust. I don't owe them forgiveness nor trust.

I should print that out and put it on the wall over my bed.

A truly remorseful person would understand that and not demand more. Because that only benefits them, not us.

My m*ther said: "It's okay if you need time away from us. We're here waiting for you as long as it takes." I don't know, I felt really insulted by that. To me it sounded like she was saying: "You have a problem; daddy and I don't need to do anything about ourselves. We just need to wait until you're done sulking."

 

[Mercy]

That's sad.

 

[Gamereign555]

No, both of my stepfathers have not apologized or talked about it with me. One of them is a chronic pot smoker who now is in the early stages of alzheimers, he was a strict parent, he has his flaws but hes ok. The other is in prison for conspiracy to commit murder.

The guy in prison, he was my stepfather when I was age 1-4 and I don't have memories of that, but my understanding is that he was very abusive, yelling, pulling me around and telling me he didnt want me. When he came into the picture later he was a friendly guy that I got to know, he never told me anything about what he did to me of course.

Frankly it sickens me that he was so abusive to me at such an early age and he comes along being all friendly to me, and me oblivious to it. I hear he is a born again christian now, sick piece of crap. He has done nothing but use people his whole life for his gain, he was a child abuser, drug addict, corruptor, pedophile, burglar and a freeloader. Good luck as a born again christian, you are going to need it here now and in the afterlife.

 

[Bob from New Jersey]

It's occurred to be before that by refusing to even acknowledge any wrongdoing (much less feel guilt) they kind of make us feel it. They project it onto us. Guilt by proxy.
Scott

This is the thread that promped me to join the forum, very nicely stated---THANK YOU ALL.

 

[Dee Morris]

In my case, No & I don't expect them to. It would be nice to have a small gesture of remorse for causing trauma or failing to protect me from trauma. I just don't see (or hear) any remorse so I switched tracks away from them a long time ago.

 

[Bob from New Jersey]

It's funny I switched tracks without knowing why, a long time ago too, and I think they held that agaisnt me too--and I did'nd know why. My experiance in this whole thing seem to be filled with utter irony at every turn.

My parents were pretty indifferent to me, almost as if they were preparing me the state of denial they are now in--delusional. Someone wrote that they do not feel empathy, and so they do not understand what an apology is, the only saving grace with that theory conjures, is that they’re not deliberate in their ignorance toward me. I tend to think it is both, ability and ignorance, because not having mental capacity to forgive lets the asshole off the hook to easily—in my opinion.

Peace

 

[Bob from New Jersey]

I really like the 'guilt by proxy' explination Scott gave, in my case it pretty much explains it all.

 

[Mercy]

Guilt....Sometimes, I wish I had asked my mother about what had happened to me and what she had done to me to get herself institutionalized, several times for many months. My brother, 18 mos. younger than me, was born in a Psyc ward. The guilt of harming me is hers. But most state laws do not hold mental patients competent to stand trial. So how will I choose to see her and her quilt? Is it a manifestation of mental illness therefore not culpable, or as a malevolent abuser however unwitting.

Mercy.... She had more electric shock treatments from the 40's to the 70's than anyone else in the country, so the professionals said. It erased her memory. The first time she had it her whole senior year of high school erased and had to be done it over. If she has no memory of causing horrendous suffering and attempted murder incidents, how could I possibly ask her to carry the burden of her actions. I had vowed very young To do no harm. It simply would not have been merciful to confront her or add to the emotional burdens she already carried. I chose, under my vow, not to tell her anything about the years that had gone so terribly wrong. Even if she precipitated her institutionalizations by harming me, I was harmed much worse when she wasn't there. I don't know if she could have protected me. That's not really the point. I asked myself,"What good could come of this?" There was none. I would have only succeeded in crushing her. For what? What kind of solace could I have found by being guilty of deliberately harming her? My mother did have some normal times, not many. I remember and treasure them.

Please freakofnurture don't answer this unless you have something supportive to say. I am raw right now.