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Back to the diary. Trying again. Will type until something comes out. I've posted a lot on here about unwanted sexually intrusive thoughts and I have to say, this has been the most destructive and most awful result of any of the abuse I have ever suffered. The most painful aspect which has held...

That's sad that happened to you. How people can just turn on you like that is crazy. I've experienced that in a different way when I was shunned by a dumb religious cult I was born into

It does take time. And if you are talking about your trauma to people that don't even care, you won't be able to release your feelings, so make sure you're careful about who you divulge your trauma to. (People that you trust and truly care) I also find when I journal by myself and do some...

I think one of the most important things in healing trauma is validation. You need genuine validation from your own support group. That can be a therapist, a PTSD support group, close friends, etc. Anyone that will allow you to comfortably talk about your trauma without judgement and genuinely...

Somehow. =) Thank you

I don't even know how I feel anymore. As I was going through this, I left a strict religious cult but didn't even know it was a cult at the time, so I turned it all against myself, thinking I was being selfish and drawing away from God. Since I left, I did tons of things we were not allowed to...

Is that a reason for me to start acting out? Like I thought these were behaviors rebellious teenagers have. I never went through that in my teens. I was a good, adult already in my teens, very responsible and accomplishing a lot and keeping myself busy. Not wanting to end up lazy or down.

From a young age, I thought I was going to beat it. Trauma, neglect, abuse, bullying, etc. I was like Pollyanna. Anything negative that happened to me, I looked for the good, I turned it into a game, I told myself it's making me a stronger person, I meditated, nature was my friend, I prayed to a...

I think there are lots of dysfunctional ways of discipline in society that lots of families have adopted as normal. A lot of it comes from fear that if they don't toughen their kids up, they won't survive in the real world. Some parents who hit or spank their kids probably do so because they...

I turned against myself when I was what I thought, the best place in my life, mentally, physically, emotionally, etc and I had worked very hard for years to get there and wanted my friends to notice and be happy for me but they didn't and I guess I was tired of being strong for God, myself and...

That's the same place I am in too. When I was still idealistic and optimistic towards life and fighting to rise above and be strong, I got disheartened by people in my life. I've been trying to find a balance in my perspective since.

I can relate totally. This has caused me to sabotage myself, not wanting to be strong all the time

That is ALL mistreatment and verbal/emotional abuse and it's wrong. Sorry you went through all that. That does and will leave scars. Emotional abuse is difficult to deal with because it's harder to recognize because it's not as obvious as physical abuse but it can hurt just as much. Threats like...

I would definitely try and find a good therapist you are comfortable with that can help you put things into perspective and hopefully help you function better in the world. If you have been abused, that is definitely a reason you may think badly about yourself. I know I have personally felt that...

I'm tired. I just want life to be normal if that is possible. Wouldn't that be lovely. There's always stress and I don't want it anymore. I thought life was supposed to be filled with love, adventure, passion, good people, laughter etc. Working hard, making a good living, doing what you want...

It sucks when you realize you have spent most of your living life trying to pretend you are normal at school, church or work. Trying to pretend your family is completely normal, trying to hide the craziness in your head, trying to cover up your awkward PTSD symptoms, trying to be as good of a...

Stuff like that has happened to me too when trying to reply to a post. lol

So here goes. One of the biggest things that seems to bother me when I am in therapy or attempting to journal or write my story on this forum, I know I want to heal and I want to feel things so I can let go. Maybe I don't know where to start but oftentimes, when I do this, I feel like a robot...

I'm attempting to write in my diary again. I hope it ends up being therapeutic. Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through all this in the first place just to heal. Sometimes I don't know what to write in the trauma diary. But I do know that our stories matter.

Sometimes I wish there was more information out there about this phenomenom. In my research, I've come across tons of information about the aftereffects of child sexual abuse, but barely any out there for child physical and emotional abuse

Thank you @Suzetig . This makes me feel so much better. I have heard some of this before. I just wish I understood it as it was happening so I wouldn't have to suffer as long as I did because it really affected me for years after I left my abusive family and here I am in my thirties now dealing...

That's a lot to deal with. Keep on typing it all out. It helps to sort it all out and go from there.

I am seeing a great therapist and she keeps up with latest info in the psychology/therapy/neuroscience world. She says a lot of what I say symptom wise sounds like sexual abuse but she also says sometimes spanking (I was always spanked so hard I wet my pants) and some of the other abuse I...

This has always made me feel insecure about myself and always looking for answers to what is wrong with me. It also led me to be a perfectionist, keep myself busy and try to forget I ever had any such thoughts or fears and focus on as many positive things as I could. I used to also always tell...

So my only memories of child abuse are verbal and physical abuse. Never any sexual abuse. But since my late teens, I have been plagued with feeling disgusting sexually and being scared of being sexually attracted to the wrong people and for e few years, I couldn't even breathe if I was...