Childhood Physical abuse

[saraemerald]

So my only memories of child abuse are verbal and physical abuse. Never any sexual abuse. But since my late teens, I have been plagued with feeling disgusting sexually and being scared of being sexually attracted to the wrong people and for e few years, I couldn't even breathe if I was physically close to another person. I always felt wrong "down there" and akward and scared to the point of trying to be as religious and spiritually strong as possible so God can correct anything that might be possibly wrong with me.
I also remember when I was younger, having weird dreams of me being naked in a weird dark room and defacating or peeing on a pot or something weird like that and weird dreams similar to that with me being naked. I felt like my mind was so messed up. I was also scared of being more like a boy "down there" than a girl even though I am definitely all girl and as a teen had normal romantic girl attracted to boy fantacies.
But the problem is I don't even know where all this weird sexual stuff stems from for me because like I said, I don't ever remember being sexually abused.

 

[saraemerald]

This has always made me feel insecure about myself and always looking for answers to what is wrong with me. It also led me to be a perfectionist, keep myself busy and try to forget I ever had any such thoughts or fears and focus on as many positive things as I could. I used to also always tell myself, it's OK. It's not you. It's because you've been abused. But even so, it's always bothered me and I want answers!

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi,@saraemerald..... The things you remember are very upsetting... And in time it will be come clearer what it all means... Do you think seeing a therapist may help...?

Unfortunately now isn't the way this stuff works which I'm sure you know.... But it sure decides when you will remember what it all means...i wish I had more wisdom... But I don't... But I do know you can't keep pushing it away..... It won't let you......

 

[saraemerald]

Hi,@saraemerald..... The things you remember are very upsetting... And in time it will...

I am seeing a great therapist and she keeps up with latest info in the psychology/therapy/neuroscience world. She says a lot of what I say symptom wise sounds like sexual abuse but she also says sometimes spanking (I was always spanked so hard I wet my pants) and some of the other abuse I experienced could translate to sexual in the body. But it's so unfair because it has made me feel less than because I haven't found any straight answers as to why it would cause such sexual distress in me. It sucks, it hurts and it is so painful to deal with especially since it's messed up dating for me and made me feel so screwed up and most of all, disgusting. =( It's so unfair. Why do I have to deal with this? What did I do to deserve this crap in my head. This makes me bitter towards a God. The things we deal with is so sad and wrong which leads me to the big WHY? Like what the hell!

 

[Suzetig]

What you're describing isn't unusual for people who were physically abused and neglected as children.

When we're young we interpret the messages we're given in lots of different ways and part of our development includes sexual development. If we're given the message that we aren't acceptable or that we're in some way a bad person, (by being beaten or neglected) that extends to our whole person including our sexual development. The idea that you were somehow wrong in a way that God might need to correct is a core belief that comes from being abused physically as a child. If you didn't have anyone to talk to about changes in your body, physical feelings you were having - things you had no control over and possibly limited understanding of or information about then it makes sense you would feel you were bad in some way.

In short physical abuse is still child abuse and really messes with our sense of who we are growing up - all of the things you describe make sense in the context of physical abuse because our development is all linked together. There doesn't need to be a direct link between what happened and how we feel (e.g. I was spanked in a "sexual" area of my body therefore it affects me sexually), sexuality is a whole person thing so anything that makes you feel bad about being you will affect your feelings about yourself sexually.

 

[saraemerald]

What you're describing isn't unusual for people who were physically abused and neglected as children....

Thank you @Suzetig . This makes me feel so much better. I have heard some of this before. I just wish I understood it as it was happening so I wouldn't have to suffer as long as I did because it really affected me for years after I left my abusive family and here I am in my thirties now dealing with this

 

[saraemerald]

Sometimes I wish there was more information out there about this phenomenom. In my research, I've come across tons of information about the aftereffects of child sexual abuse, but barely any out there for child physical and emotional abuse

 

[Suzetig]

I know, sometimes it helps to remind ourselves that physical abuse and emotional abuse and neglect are every bit as traumatic, every bit as harmful as sexual abuse. I think some therapists don't help by always looking for a sexual link where there simply isn't one.

Research around physical and emotional abuse is fairly limited, I think because there's an assumption that once a child is removed from the situation they're safe and everything is fine. The trauma of it doesn't seem to be recognised in the way it is with sexual abuse and yet when you think about being hit and beaten and hurt by people who you depend on for survival and what that tells you about your own sense of worth, what people are allowed to do to you and what it takes for you to be in a relationship with someone so unsafe, it's easy to see why every single part of you would feel wrong.

And yes, it's crap that 30 years down the line we still need to deal with it.