Dear Diary

[saraemerald]

I'm attempting to write in my diary again. I hope it ends up being therapeutic. Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through all this in the first place just to heal. Sometimes I don't know what to write in the trauma diary.
But I do know that our stories matter.

 

[anonymous]

Yes they matter. And many times thru writing we find we have our own answers. Or someone will share something in supporting us that is exactly what we need.
And it IS simply a release. Just write. Get it out.
You are searching. You are healing whether it feels like it or not.
Gentle hugs. You can do this.

 

[ladee]

I don't know why my stupid phone is posting 'anonymous'!!

 

[saraemerald]

So here goes. One of the biggest things that seems to bother me when I am in therapy or attempting to journal or write my story on this forum, I know I want to heal and I want to feel things so I can let go. Maybe I don't know where to start but oftentimes, when I do this, I feel like a robot telling a story with barely any emotions about it. Other times, I feel like what's the sense. And sometimes I feel like why aren't I over this already?! I don't want to waste my time being in misery but I do want to be able to have feelings about things that happened in my life and I would also like to have more control over my own life as well as confidence in who I am and where I am in my life.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed over everything I have been through up to now and sometimes I feel like wow, it couldn't have been that bad.

 

[saraemerald]

I don't know why my stupid phone is posting 'anonymous'!!

Stuff like that has happened to me too when trying to reply to a post. lol

 

[saraemerald]

It sucks when you realize you have spent most of your living life trying to pretend you are normal at school, church or work. Trying to pretend your family is completely normal, trying to hide the craziness in your head, trying to cover up your awkward PTSD symptoms, trying to be as good of a person you can, trying to maintain the peace in any situation, trying to be as spiritually strong as you can for your faith, trying to be as responsible as you can and work as hard as you can and be as honest as you can.
Because underneath everything, you are scared of yourself being crazy, dysfunctional, stupid and messed up. All because of growing up on a very abnormal family where you were always the scapegoat and always yelled at no matter what and then bullied by kids at school and most of your peers at church talked about you to others because you came from the weird messed up family. So you were pretty much isolated most of your life growing up and thus trying to fit in and appear normal to everyone around you. Of course growing up in a strict religion, that is considered a cult and separates itself from the rest of the world, didn't help either.

 

[saraemerald]

I'm tired. I just want life to be normal if that is possible. Wouldn't that be lovely. There's always stress and I don't want it anymore. I thought life was supposed to be filled with love, adventure, passion, good people, laughter etc. Working hard, making a good living, doing what you want with your life, without all these multi-level marketing schemes and capitalism constantly shoved in our face, in addition to dealing with insane people. Maybe I'm just being idealistic and what I am saying is unrealistic. How sad. Anyways, I need to be positive and hope for the best.
Like an idealistic child who looks at life with energy and hope and optimism.

 

[saraemerald]

Back to the diary. Trying again. Will type until something comes out. I've posted a lot on here about unwanted sexually intrusive thoughts and I have to say, this has been the most destructive and most awful result of any of the abuse I have ever suffered. The most painful aspect which has held me back from living and turned me into a perfectionist trying to run away from them. It has also been the most distressing because it has made me feel disgusting about myself and it has caused me so much confusion because I don't ever remember being sexually abused or assaulted. There have only been a few instances where someone my age in one of my first years in elementary school exposed himself to me and tried convincing me of pulling my pants down and an older perverted man who used to tickle me and talk to me alone at church (kingdom hall) and really creeped me out. One other time, a man flirted with me at a gas station when I just a teen and I had just gotten my driver's license and then followed me down some roads in his vehicle and I so I changed directions of where I was originally intending driving and sped my car up real fast to get away from him and lost him. But aside these instances, nothing else. My therapist has told me I have a lot of symptoms of being sexually abused. She has also told me that some of the abuse I have endured as a kid could have translated into sexual trauma. Examples, being spanked hard almost everyday till I wet my pants, being made to take a bath in my dad's dirty bath water (my sister wasn't made to do that), some awful instances where I was not allowed to use the bathroom and so wet my pants in embarassing situations and other things. My parents were plain evil to me as a kid and yelled at me everyday for everything and nothing. I remember one time I was with my dad at a friend's house when I was little. He told me to sit on this guys bed and don't move. He wouldn't even let me use the bathroom and eventually I couldn't hold it. I don't remember anything else about that particular instance but it was definitely weird.
Anyways, back to the topic. The fact that since I was in my late teens, I have intrusive thoughts and fears that something is terribly wrong with me sexually has bothered me for years. I wish I never had this crap in my head. Then I believe I could live a more normal life if none of this was in my head. I hate it. I know this may sound weird, but this makes me very angry at God because this feels so unfair and like torture and to me, this feels worse than any of the abuse I have ever endured combined. I wish I could burn all the thoughts.

 

[saraemerald]

I think it is so ironic and unfair that some of the best of, as innocent children, get targeted by such insane, mentally deranged adults who completely mess with our innocent lives and they continue to live out their lives while we are stuck for years and sometimes decades, in misery.
We are the ones stuck with self-condemning thoughts, extreme shyness or social anxiety, with drawn, trying to find pleasure in life but having a hard time experiencing it, hurt and tortured inside. This is why I get pissed off at a God! We are the ones that often end up being drawn to stupid cults and religions looking for answers but getting taken advantage of or donating to causes that hoard the money.
This is why I have a hard time believing in a freaking loving God. Who would stand by, all-powerful and allow all this crap to take place with out doing anything about it and then to top it off, calling us sinners underserving of his loving kindness. That sounds pretty darn sick to me and if there is a God, I am pissed off at him.
And why do I have to suffer such mental torture from all the physical and emotional abuse I suffered as an innocent child from parents who should have never been parents!

 

[saraemerald]

I'm tired. :( Very tired. Of everything. Of surviving. Of trying. I'm just so f!#king tired....! There is too much going on in our lives making them complicated. People getting offended, pointing fingers. I'm feeling judged, for what? I have no idea. Then comes self-condemnation for being a sweet perfectionist gone insane and not knowing what to believe. People hurting me throughout my new experiences in life I never had before because of growing up in a stifling cult.
My head hurts. Trying to survive. Make enough money to pay expenses and sleep on the side to have enough energy for another work day and interacting with customers. It's just so tiring. I need nature in my life to nurture me in it's peacefulness.

 

[saraemerald]

I need inspiration. Something to open my mind up again to this time- real possibilities, not made up ones. I need something to nudge me, push me, motivation. An inspiring book. An interesting person. A place that feels magical and awakening. No more f!#king monotany. Nope. No more! No room for that in my life any longer!