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Ultimately trauma is in the body, not the event so if you can release trauma energy - let's say with somatic therapy which doesn't require you to recall details - you won't get anything like the unpredictably triggered reactions you get now. The body has its wisdom. It protected you. If it will...

I am the same as you @change.

I wonder if you came from a family who thought you were cunning and deceptive because I don't see why your T would think that. It sounds like projection unless she has commented that she finds you manipulative. I am not sure why a good IQ would equate to a cunning and manipulative persona...

When I unintentionally overdosed for the same reasons, I went to another doctor (the one I had wanted nothing to do with me), told him the truth and what he did was give me the prescription I needed but only one week's worth every week. It was a pain and cost more, but he wasn't worried about me...

Feel gentle. It's a beautiful morning.

Feeling more down than up lately especially at night. Dead zone at center, but I am making myself go out once a day and see people briefly and that's keeping me out of the Twilight Zone feeling. Plus work outs help. Deep weight in torso area thru under neck. Can't move it. Usually mindful...

Be really nice to your body. That's my latest most important thing. Last night my calves hurt sooooo much. Ached like nobody's business. Couldn't sleep. I took a sea salt bath which usually fixes it but no. So finally in desperation, I rubbed them and talked to them like they were a little kid...

You cannot count on this person. You need someone you can count on. You may not have had options once. You do now. Find someone else. I am sorry you had to deal with this person. There are many out there you can work with who will be there.

Good today. Optimistic. Nearly content but so close to dark feelings of last week, I am still apprehensive. I felt the despair lift physically last night about 11. So bizarre, like a suffocating blanket pulled off me. Glad of that! Hungry. Off to make spaghetti.

You must come first or there will be no you for your family. I have had nuclear rage a lot in my life. Exercise is the best and first go-to for me. It gets rid of the explosive anger so it is manageable. You cannot help what you feel, but you can help what you do with it. Find a way to safely...

Scientists named themselves the new God. What they say is supposedly Truth though they are often proved wrong as time goes by. Before Science became the first and last word - in the 1600's - everyone knew you couldn't comprehend God. The Bible was not read literally. It was read as mostly...

I vote cortisol surge. I get them thru out the day and in jolting awake at night. Poor little body. Still thinks there are 24/7 emergencies 40 years after the original scenario.

I think a lot of people who ask How are you - are just saying it as a sort of convention or society courtesy. Most people do not respond with exactly how they are because of that reason. You sort of know when someone is looking deeply in your eyes and really wants to know exactly how you...

I just want my T to do her job. I want to work with a caring highly trained astute professional who wants to help people heal, but I don't expect or want more. When I was young I did. I wanted someone to care for me then and like me a lot. But as I grew older, I just wanted a great T who could...

It is a good thing to remember good times. Painful memories shouldn't be more powerful but they are because of evolution. I am glad you wrote about those happy moments. I remember staying with my grandmother. I felt safe and happy for a little while. She was kind and loving and good. I remember...

By 3 a.m., forget about it. Just shoot me. All distraction gone. My grounding and mindful "muscles" burned out. Old familiar obsessive thoughts shout out for retrials. Ugh.

Dearest @Junebug - Fatigue does dictate. I will lie down a bit and then try to do something that will give me some energy back. Thank you so much for virtual hugs. I send them back with healing light.

Sad. Disillusioned. Tired. Will go out though. I must do something different or nothing will change. Can't stand feeling this lousy. I can stand it I guess but I don't want to today. Going to see Bears (movie).

(((((((((((Dear @Junebug)))))))))))

Sad.

I read that we feel the shame that the abuser(s) don't, and because the abusers don't. If that is true, and I could see it, that sucks. There is nothing good about shame that I can see. It doesn't make sense that we should experience it when we have done nothing deserving of the feeling. But...

I totally understand the compulsion for oblivion one way or another, but ultimately you are perpetuating the original abuse. The perps may be gone, but you have taken their role. You know you need to get help. When you are ready, you will.

How cool. I've heard the term "soul parts" used, but I just think of them as my younger selves split off in trauma. I don't know what the phenomenon is called of seeing them there separately. Michael Crichton wrote a cool book called Travels, and he describes seeing a little child around him...

Anything can trigger PTSD symptoms - obvious or mysterious in origin. Always and everywhere you need to be safe. I hope your meds didn't trigger any blackouts. Anti-anxiety meds can cause them as well as dissociative episodes. Do what you need to do to be and feel safe. You are number one...

My adult depression was the same as my childhood depression. I was the protector as a role, and continued that in life. I don't feel hostility in general to life. I pretty much accept the human condition although I spent years getting there and read endlessly to make sense of it - history...