Advice On Memory Recollection?

[Smile]

My symptoms have been going on way too long. Although I've had anxiety all my life together with the occasional panic attacks, this is too much for too long. Every minute that passes is full of soul sucking energy to try and keep it together. Sometimes it gets so hard that I just take some sleeping pills just so that I don't have to be in a conscious state of mind.

But the absolute worst thing about it all is that I can't remember. I have anxiety, ptsd, slight agoraphobia, insomnia, no appetite, tremors, nightmares and of course my yucky recurring nightmare that I've had since I was about 8 years old.

I know it sounds so ridiculous but every time I hear about someone having flashbacks to the "event" I get jealous. Why? Well for one thing, it makes me feel like a hypochondriac. Maybe I'm just lm just looking for attention and somehow making all these symptoms up?

The second reason is that because I have no memory of abuse, I don't know my triggers. I can't protect myself and that really gets to me. Because them I have to assum that anything/everything can be a possible trigger.

Sometimes, if I'm lucky, after having a panic attack I'm able to connect the dots and see what upset me. But I still don't know WHY.

Gosh, this was meant to be a short post. Sorry :(

I really wanted to just ask if anyone has had success in recovering childhood memories and if yes what it was? I have just started going to what seems to be a good T and would like to suggest a few ideas next session.

Thanks and hope your all doing well

 

[silkleaves]

Oh my, I just posted about how I don't know what my triggers are. I too don't get flashbacks, but I'm totally fine with that...that is one symptom that I am very happy I don't have to deal with because it just sounds brutal. What I guess I am jealous of is having no clue what my triggers are... it would be super helpful to know exactly what sets me off so that I am doing fine one moment and completely snapped the next.

So even though I don't see / hear / what my impression of a flashback is...I do react as if the moment is happening all over again right then and there. Actually, is that a flashback?? I should research that...just now occurred to me.

Anyway...if it gives you any "hope"... as soon as my trauma happened, I completely blocked it out...something I picked up as a way to cope growing up in an abusive home. I changed, but at the same time, I shut that door to what happened in my mind and left it there. It wasn't until about 3 years later, while watching a basketball game with my (at the time) husband, that I completely lost it. The team was the same of the jersey that was hanging on the wall of the guy who assaulted me and I had focused on it the entire time it was going on. Without warning...boom bits and pieces of memories started flooding in and continued to for several years after.

I still have yet to remember everything from my childhood...there's a lot of stuff I've still blocked out and a lot of stuff that makes no sense because I've filled in in with some really strange things that make no sense whatsoever, but every once in a blue moon, some completely random thing will bring me right back to a moment...and like I said, I don't specifically see or hear or have a vivid memory, I just feel my panic and fear all over again.

All I know, without full memory, is that I'm terrified of remembering. When I first went to therapy about 15 yrs ago, I went through 3 therapists, 2 of them I screamed at, because they kept pushing to talk about my childhood, and I was not in any way ready. This time around, last year when asked, I told them this was why I stopped going to therapy the first time around, and so she assured me, she would not bring it up again and I didn't have to until I was ready. Sounds like you are ready...and it may do you a world of good to go to therapy and find a way to explore this.

 

[Promicarus]

I'm not a mental health practitioner or medical professional of any sort, but I have done my share of reading on the subject...and what I've found mentioned by numerous sources is that attempting to recover traumatic memories can be extremely dangerous ground, and potentially lead to a debilitating experience of retraumatization.

Apparently, in cases where drugs/alcohol or other altered states didn't play a part in loss of memory, those who suppress memories of a traumatic even so completely that they have no memory of it, do so because the memory is too traumatic for them to handle yet. In other words, it's an unconscious self-defense mechanism that our bodies/brains put in place as a matter of self-preservation.

I've even read of many instances in which experienced trauma professionals have overseen attempts to recover memories, which nonetheless backfired for the patient, and resulted in terribly destructive after effects. I hope you'll proceed with caution.

 

[Smile]

@silkleaves

Thank you for your kindness and support.

 

[Smile]

I'm not a mental health practitioner or medical professional of any sort, but I have done my share of reading on the subject...and what I've found mentioned by numerous sources is that attempting to recover traumatic memories can be extremely dangerous ground, and potentially lead to a debilitating experience of retraumatization.

Thank you for your wise words of caution. There is truth to this and I experienced it when I first mentioned my recurring dream to my T. That was when my shaking began and although better, still continues.

I have weighed the odds and feel that knowing would be way better for me as I would then have more control over helping myself out of this hellhole :(

 

[Promicarus]

I understand being in that "noman's land" of "should I stay or should I go"...not feeling like you can go on as you were...but having no idea how to move forward or even in what direction. My heart goes out to you. I do hope that whatever you do, you'll keep in mind, continuously, that recovery from trauma is a marathon, not a sprint...and regardless of how terrible it may feel at any given moment....that that doesn't mean it will always be that way. Be well.

 

[franciemarnie]

Ultimately trauma is in the body, not the event so if you can release trauma energy - let's say with somatic therapy which doesn't require you to recall details - you won't get anything like the unpredictably triggered reactions you get now.

The body has its wisdom. It protected you. If it will be better for you to remember, I think your body/mind will cooperate someday. I don't blame you for wanting to know, although I personally would just asoon not remember what parts my mind saw fit to block.

 

[open eyes]

Are you diagnosed with PTSD?

If there are trauma memories, they will come back when you are safe & ready. There is no way to force them back, & trying to make them come back might only repress it more.

EMDR could possibly be helpful.

 

[Promicarus]

@franciemarnie

I second the views expressed in your post, and was remiss in my own previous post for not mentioning the same. The cutting edge of Trauma Work/Research is focusing on releasing trauma stored in the body as more central to recovery even than more recent advances in "mind related" trauma work such as EMDR, although these certainly have their place, as well, and have been remarkably effective for many--EMDR especially with regard to single-incident trauma experienced in adults with no CPTSD-or prolonged trauma originating in childhood.

While still in its infancy, good books on the subject are "Waking the Tiger" by Levine, and "Trauma And the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy"-by Pat/ Minton Ogdon. However it should be noted that recommendations on "Trauma Release" through physical/somatic means are still recommended to be overseen by a qualified professional in the instance of sufferers with extreme levels of stored trauma, which is generally implied by a failure to recollect the underlying trauma.

 

[Hashi]

I'm confused that you have PTSD but no memory of an event, when the event (Criterion A) is part of the diagnosis. Is it that you have factual information but no personal recollection?

My best advice about recovering any memories is to work on coping skills and get very strong and grounded in yourself. Memories come when we're ready for them. That's it, really. If we can't cope with the memory, it won't reach our conscious mind. If we get strong enough and have enough skills, a memory will surface.

You say you have had anxiety all your life. I'm trying to understand so I hope you won't mind me asking questions. Do you mean you remember having anxiety from when you were a very small child? Or since you were 8 years old?

 

[Smile]

let's say with somatic therapy which doesn't require you to recall details - you won't get anything like the unpredictably triggered reactions you get now.

I have no idea what somatic therapy is but will look into it.

The body has its wisdom. It protected you. If it will be better for you to remember, I think your body/mind will cooperate someday. I don't blame you for wanting to know, although I personally would just asoon not remember what parts my mind saw fit to block.

I understand and agree with you on an unemotional and impersonal level. But if I can force the memories out and it causes my not trauma, I'll deal with that. I just can't see myself getting better without more information.

 

[Smile]

Are you diagnosed with PTSD?

Yes I am.

If there are trauma memories, they will come back when you are safe & ready. There is no way to force them back, & trying to make them come back might only repress it more.

EMDR could possibly be helpful.

Thanks. Will look into EMDR as well[DOUBLEPOST=1400719500,1400719271][/DOUBLEPOST]

While still in its infancy, good books on the subject are "Waking the Tiger" by Levine, and "Trauma And the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy"-by Pat/ Minton Ogdon. However it should be noted that recommendations on "Trauma Release" through physical/somatic means are still recommended to be overseen by a qualified professional in the instance of sufferers with extreme levels of stored trauma, which is generally implied by a failure to recollect the underlying trauma.

Thank you so much for your detailed reply! I will definitely look into these books and run them by T as well