BottomlessPit
Not Active
I want to start by saying hello and thank you for having me. I feel ridiculous for being in this situation and I actually feel bad because there are things I’ve read here that are absolutely terrible and I feel for everyone that’s experienced things that have cause this “disorder” I don’t want to minimize anyone’s trauma story or experiences at all and I feel like my story is just not worthy of being here.
But I’m posting it anyways
Her Neglect Unleashed a Living Nightmare I Cannot Escape
I was the one who fixed everything: a professional maintenance mechanic, I fixed machines, cars, computers, properties, myself etc. Life always tried to throw its worst at me, a broken left arm in my youth requiring a metal plate, a car accident in 2008 when an older gentleman ran a stop sign doing 45mph and t-boned my drivers side, flipping me into a telephone pole. It ended up shattering 8 of my ribs on my left side and collapsed my lung, requiring life flight and leaving me in ICU for three days and hospitalized for seven. Multiple other broken bones and traumas throughout my life, weirdly enough most of the injuries had been on my left side. Pain lingered, yet I endured, relying on my strong dominant right hand to carry me through a demanding job and a fulfilling life. Always came out of these injuries with a stronger mental state and hope, always right back to work as fast as I was physically able to!
Then a machine crushed a finger on my dominant right hand at work. A co workers prybar slipped while lifting a 250lb metal cage that came crashing down on my hand “it’s just a finger” everyone kept saying. Trying to rush me back to work asap! I believed it would mend, the surgeon assured me she could save and fix my finger. But the surgeon’s neglect turned it into a catastrophe that devoured me whole. For months, I pleaded as the pain gnawed at me, begging for X-rays. She refused, accused me of chasing drugs, and dismissed my agony as nonexistent. My loathing for her ignited then, a fire that burns still, though it pales beside the hell she unleashed.
She extracted more like YANKED the 3” long pin from the tip of my rotten broken finger with pliers, the pain so excruciating it eclipsed every past injury, my finger dangling flopping and wiggling around, broken and lifeless bright red and bulbous, She labeled it "fine" and abandoned me for maternity leave, leaving my bone to rot with infection. She sent me back to work and to physical therapy, with a rotten broken finger. 5 months after the initial injury and multiple follow ups and phone calls complaining about severe pain, her maternity leave was a blessing! I finally got a new surgeon who confirmed osteomyelitis, ordered a bunch of tests and infectious disease consult. Then scheduled an amputation vindicated and validated far far too late. I of course let my work know and of course they told my coworkers and now everyone at my work knows all the details which has added to the humiliation and embarrassment and distrust! So they amputated my finger while I lay awake, every cut searing into my soul, I could feel every tug and scrape of the bone being removed. I feel my Mr fix it life style and career slipping away. Failed treatments followed—chemical burns to remove ingrown hook nails growing out of the stump had reopened the wound as if it were a fresh amputation, a nerve excisions a few weeks ago has increased and sharpened the pain and torment—and 17 months later, I remain trapped in unrelenting suffering. For 17 months, Ive been compensating with my weakened left side, reigniting old arm and rib pain so severe I now seek medical care I dread. My hatred for her is a constant, venomous pulse, but it is not the worst of it.
The psychiatrist today April 3rd 2024, 16 or 17 months after the initial injury, has declared that I absolutely cannot work, and for the first time in my life I’ve been diagnosed with mental health issues which include PTSD primary and depression & OCD, all stemming from her callous almost malicious neglect. Three medications—clonidine, Zoloft, Klonopin all prescribed today, no idea if they’ll help yet but I hate pills! But I am a prisoner to my mind and body. Flashbacks assault me relentlessly, replaying those all these months of relentlessness: her sneer, her gas lighting, her telling me I “shouldn’t be in a pain” and everything’s “healing fine” her treating me like a pill seeking drug addict, the pliers’ grip and pin yank, the scalpels bite, over and over, an inescapable loop of terror and betrayal. Intrusive thoughts flood me! hatred, regret, shame, blame, consuming every waking moment. I sob uncontrollably or erupt in rage, episodes lasting from minutes to a full day, each followed by throbbing headaches. Sleep eludes me; I wake startled, heart pounding, drenched in sweat from nightmares I cannot recall. My hands, feet, and armpits sweat ceaselessly, and a high-pitched ringing pierces my ears. Cold, even mild, triggers violent shivering; and turns my finger stump purple, I bite my lip skin until it bleeds, I isolate myself, I’m avoiding almost everything possible, my once-loved hobbies abandoned, my desire for companionship extinguished. Paranoia drives me to check locks incessantly and watch my back always, always watching for things that can crush another body part, severe distrust in doctors, confusion clouds my memory, forgetfulness, muscle spasms and twitches. She made me question my sanity, then shattered me beyond recognition. The hatred is real, but the endless torment—mental, physical, emotional—is the true abyss I cannot climb out of. I have always been the guy that fixes everything including myself yet, I feel broken and completely unfixable, this surgeon has ruined my life and I can’t stop hating her and blaming myself.
“it’s just a finger” they all keep saying.
I just don’t understand how I could let all of this consume my mind the way it has. It doesn’t make sense to me I’ve always been an optimistic hopeful dude even through terrible accidents. But this… this hit differently this time, I feel like a different person
Any thoughts suggestions or advice? I’m gonna continue browsing and reading.
Thanks!
But I’m posting it anyways
Her Neglect Unleashed a Living Nightmare I Cannot Escape
I was the one who fixed everything: a professional maintenance mechanic, I fixed machines, cars, computers, properties, myself etc. Life always tried to throw its worst at me, a broken left arm in my youth requiring a metal plate, a car accident in 2008 when an older gentleman ran a stop sign doing 45mph and t-boned my drivers side, flipping me into a telephone pole. It ended up shattering 8 of my ribs on my left side and collapsed my lung, requiring life flight and leaving me in ICU for three days and hospitalized for seven. Multiple other broken bones and traumas throughout my life, weirdly enough most of the injuries had been on my left side. Pain lingered, yet I endured, relying on my strong dominant right hand to carry me through a demanding job and a fulfilling life. Always came out of these injuries with a stronger mental state and hope, always right back to work as fast as I was physically able to!
Then a machine crushed a finger on my dominant right hand at work. A co workers prybar slipped while lifting a 250lb metal cage that came crashing down on my hand “it’s just a finger” everyone kept saying. Trying to rush me back to work asap! I believed it would mend, the surgeon assured me she could save and fix my finger. But the surgeon’s neglect turned it into a catastrophe that devoured me whole. For months, I pleaded as the pain gnawed at me, begging for X-rays. She refused, accused me of chasing drugs, and dismissed my agony as nonexistent. My loathing for her ignited then, a fire that burns still, though it pales beside the hell she unleashed.
She extracted more like YANKED the 3” long pin from the tip of my rotten broken finger with pliers, the pain so excruciating it eclipsed every past injury, my finger dangling flopping and wiggling around, broken and lifeless bright red and bulbous, She labeled it "fine" and abandoned me for maternity leave, leaving my bone to rot with infection. She sent me back to work and to physical therapy, with a rotten broken finger. 5 months after the initial injury and multiple follow ups and phone calls complaining about severe pain, her maternity leave was a blessing! I finally got a new surgeon who confirmed osteomyelitis, ordered a bunch of tests and infectious disease consult. Then scheduled an amputation vindicated and validated far far too late. I of course let my work know and of course they told my coworkers and now everyone at my work knows all the details which has added to the humiliation and embarrassment and distrust! So they amputated my finger while I lay awake, every cut searing into my soul, I could feel every tug and scrape of the bone being removed. I feel my Mr fix it life style and career slipping away. Failed treatments followed—chemical burns to remove ingrown hook nails growing out of the stump had reopened the wound as if it were a fresh amputation, a nerve excisions a few weeks ago has increased and sharpened the pain and torment—and 17 months later, I remain trapped in unrelenting suffering. For 17 months, Ive been compensating with my weakened left side, reigniting old arm and rib pain so severe I now seek medical care I dread. My hatred for her is a constant, venomous pulse, but it is not the worst of it.
The psychiatrist today April 3rd 2024, 16 or 17 months after the initial injury, has declared that I absolutely cannot work, and for the first time in my life I’ve been diagnosed with mental health issues which include PTSD primary and depression & OCD, all stemming from her callous almost malicious neglect. Three medications—clonidine, Zoloft, Klonopin all prescribed today, no idea if they’ll help yet but I hate pills! But I am a prisoner to my mind and body. Flashbacks assault me relentlessly, replaying those all these months of relentlessness: her sneer, her gas lighting, her telling me I “shouldn’t be in a pain” and everything’s “healing fine” her treating me like a pill seeking drug addict, the pliers’ grip and pin yank, the scalpels bite, over and over, an inescapable loop of terror and betrayal. Intrusive thoughts flood me! hatred, regret, shame, blame, consuming every waking moment. I sob uncontrollably or erupt in rage, episodes lasting from minutes to a full day, each followed by throbbing headaches. Sleep eludes me; I wake startled, heart pounding, drenched in sweat from nightmares I cannot recall. My hands, feet, and armpits sweat ceaselessly, and a high-pitched ringing pierces my ears. Cold, even mild, triggers violent shivering; and turns my finger stump purple, I bite my lip skin until it bleeds, I isolate myself, I’m avoiding almost everything possible, my once-loved hobbies abandoned, my desire for companionship extinguished. Paranoia drives me to check locks incessantly and watch my back always, always watching for things that can crush another body part, severe distrust in doctors, confusion clouds my memory, forgetfulness, muscle spasms and twitches. She made me question my sanity, then shattered me beyond recognition. The hatred is real, but the endless torment—mental, physical, emotional—is the true abyss I cannot climb out of. I have always been the guy that fixes everything including myself yet, I feel broken and completely unfixable, this surgeon has ruined my life and I can’t stop hating her and blaming myself.
“it’s just a finger” they all keep saying.
I just don’t understand how I could let all of this consume my mind the way it has. It doesn’t make sense to me I’ve always been an optimistic hopeful dude even through terrible accidents. But this… this hit differently this time, I feel like a different person
Any thoughts suggestions or advice? I’m gonna continue browsing and reading.
Thanks!
