2 Strikes And Still Here.

[koalaburger]

I tried to kill myself 2 weeks ago. The 3 bits of garden hose melted in the exhaust pipe of my car. I survived an attempt with pills 10 years ago. I get the feeling God likes me suffering. I had a falling out with a friend of 30 years who had the absolute trauma of being brought up by 2 violent, cruel parents like myself. He said he was sick of my superiority and pontificating and he always felt like a puppy. I know he is right. I don't read a lot about acting out or protective behaviours on here, but mine is really over the top. I have always had a God like image where I am smarter than everyone. I have pushed a lot of people away with it. It had to be pretty dramatic to make up for the powerless little boy I have always felt. I have my fathers voice in my head screaming "I hate your guts you putrid little f----t."

Having this better than, worse than going on has caused me to feel so alone and separate from the human race. I felt that way with my friend but not as bad. He was my only real contact and it just triggered my loneliness. I have tried lots of therapy including cognitive. I am on an anti anxiety med and an antidepressant. Nothing I have done in 34 years has helped calm the self loathing or superiority so I watch TV every waking moment and play games on the computer waiting to die. I am 60 now and figure I am only taking an early mark if I die now. I am going to use Mensline and Lifeline (phone help services) to talk to, I feel pathetic needing them. I will give my therapist another shot and start seeing her next week.

 

[Silver.]

I am sorry that you have gone through all this. It sounds like you know what needs to be done and you are doing that. By all means, don't feel pathetic needing help, we all do. Take every available resource out there to get yourself to a better you x

 

[anthony]

You aren't pathetic @koalaburger, shit happens to us all at any given time... you lived, now you're taking action by ringing those who can listen. Well done.