2 Weeks Ago...

[Healing Reins]

2 weeks ago I was raped...I think. I've gone to the gyno - got tested for stds- I am clean- and found out there was forced entry. It's starting to hit me that I was raped...Which is something I would wish on no one. The feeling of not being sure of what happened, but at the same time knowing exactly what happened is possibly the worst feeling ever.


I feel like Ican't tell anyone.. I told my youth group leader part of what happened- she guessed the rest. I can not confirm or deny her guesses though. It kills both of us to know that something happened but I cant share. And she can't know. The reason why I can't tell her the whole story is because she is a mandatory reporter, and I don't want this reported. Me not being able to tell her is effecting the relationship. I love my youth group leader and love being around her, but I feel like I can't be around her anymore because every time I am around her I want to tell her. I want her help, I want her to pray with me about it, I want her guidance, what I really want is her support. Is that weird if I want her support? I also want her to listen to me, because she is a good listener, and she always gives the best advice anyone could ask for. I tend to go to my youth group leader about a lot of stuff, whether is Christ related, or Trauma related, I know she's there for me. I really want to tell her this but I just cant. I feel like I'm pulling away from her because of this, Like she will ask me how I am doing and I will just answer with fine, or good, she will ask if I want to go with her to see a movie and my answer is no because I know if I tell her she will report it, and If I spend time with her I will tell her...does that make any sense? I want things to go back to normal. We used to laugh at everything, and I could have a good time, now I feel like I can't have a good time with anything that I do. Maybe it's because my Grandpa died last week, I don't know, but what I do know is that I can't take this anymore. She knows that I'm struggling, and she knows that something happened. She told me to tell her whenever I was ready, and she would be there and that what ever happened wouldn't effect our relationship. But I feel like this will effect our relationship. I'm scared she will think I'm dirty or gross, or think I'm weird or something. I'm scared she already thinks that because I'm not telling her what's going on. She knows I've been pulling away, and I've told her why it's hard to be around her...I just want to tell her so badly, but I feel like I can't tell her!!: (

Is there anyway that I could tell her? Part of me is just thinking I should tell her, make the call with her, and just move on. (Make the call with her meaning report it) But I'm really scared to do that. I'm scared the police will think I'm stupid because I did drink A LOT that night and I feel like I put myself in the situation. I'm not saying it was my fault, but I feel like if I didn't drink, none of this would be happening right now. I also don't want to get in trouble for underage drinking.

I'm thinking I could read this out loud to my youth group leader so it explains why I've been acting so weird lately. But I think she already knows why I've been acting so weird...

have any of you had someone that you knew was struggling a lot, and they wanted to tell you but they felt like they couldn't? Did you think any less of them? <--- I'm scared she thinks less of me because I can't tell her.

On a side note--
I've been getting really angry at everyone for little things. I don't know if it's because my grandpa died or what...but I'm really sad and mad at almost everyone. Its really weird. Like I don't want to be mad at everyone.. I just feel like I am mad at everyone and it's effecting my relationships I have with people.

sorry this was so long..
Comments are appreciated!

 

[Rizen]

No one will think less of you and it's important to tell people. Traumatic experiences unfortunately leave emotional scars and it will keep affecting you until you can work through it. If people don't know then you risk become more and more isolated, which can turn into a very bad thing.

A lot of people have PTSD from rape or other trauma. It wasn't your fault in any way and nobody will think less of you if you tell them. It will actually help people understand and help you work through it. Telling people is also important to prevent other rapes.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

I am so sorry! While I was reading I could feel the turmoil going on with-in you. Please, talk to someone! You will not be able to hide from this and it is obvious that you need to be comforted and have a safe place to process what has happened. you've begun well by sharing here.

 

[Ryn]

From what you say it sounds like your leader has been supportive of you thus far, and that you have reason to trust her to provide good advice and solid feedback. It is not weird at all to want her support in this - in fact, I think gaining that support could be very important for you as you work through this. And it would take a really ignorant and self-centred person to think less of someone for their struggling to talk about something difficult - I certainly hope your youth group leader of all people wouldn't fall to this sort of victim-blaming. You didn't do anything wrong - any rational person can see that. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hugs if you want them.

I am wondering if you could explain a bit more about her being a "mandatory reporter." Perhaps it's just ignorance on my part (and my brain is a bit tired at the moment, so if so, forgive me!), but do you mean she is legally obligated somehow to tell the police? Or perhaps she is supposed to tell the pastors of the church? You certainly have the right to decide whether or not to report, and I would hate to see you feeling like you are forced to report against your will, just because you so desperately need the support. If that is the case, I can see how this is between a rock and a hard place. But no one should force you to report if you do not feel ready.

I wonder if it would be possible to simply tell your leader you have been raped, without giving any identifying detail. I would think she could still provide you with a great amount of emotional support and comfort without knowing the identifying details. For example, you don't need to share anything about the perpetrator, the location, the date... etc, at least not until you feel comfortable doing so. You also don't need to share about the underage drinking if that is making you apprehensive. (Drinking does NOT make it in any way your fault, by the way - you are innocent. Rapes happen with and without alcohol. Please don't blame yourself. I just understand how it might be overwhelming to bring up the ethics/legalities of that issue with an adult when you are already so swamped by the trauma of the rape itself.) I know for me, when I have shared with people in the past, just getting the bare minimum of "I was raped" off my chest brings a HUGE amount of relief, and others can support me better just knowing that alone. At the very least, perhaps you could just tell your leader that you are going through a rough time and aren't sure if you feel ready to talk about it - that is perfectly okay, if that is what you feel capable of managing at the moment.

I really hope you can find the help you need. Please take care of yourself. You are worth it!

 

[mytai]

@Ryn, mandatory reporter in this case means that she is legally obligated to report this to the police once she knows.

@Healing Reins, first off, I'm so very sorry this happened to you. I have been in your position many times, and in some cases very recently (except I'm not underage anymore). Regardless of how much you drank you are not responsible for this happening to you. May I ask why you are reluctant to report this to the police? There is no judgement from me on this, I have chosen not to report a lot of my sexual assaults for different reasons over the years.

I personally chose to report the last two incidents to the police. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it, it isn't easy. You are asked a lot of questions, and sometimes the questions make you feel like the police are blaming you and that's a really crappy feeling - but they are just trying to make sure they have all the details reported down correctly. A lot of police don't have sensitivity training around sexual assault. I know in my personal case that the main police force I dealt with did not have sensitivity training around sexual assaults and that made it hard on me because I was doing it alone for most of the time, but on the other hand the current police force I'm dealing with has had a LOT of sensitivity training and it has made things easier on me when I don't have support present with me.

The benefit of talking to your youth leader about this is that she could be a potential support system for you, it sounds like she already is a support in your life right now. She could potentially stay with you when you talk to the police for the initial report. You can always ask her before about that - if you were to tell her something she would have to report to the police, would she stay with you while you talked to the police? It doesn't hurt to ask without giving anything away.

From personal experience I would say report, no it isn't easy, yes it is a very emotional process - but I've deeply regretted not going to the police on many occasions. The sooner you talk to the police the easier it is for them to help you. I really hope you find some clarity on this.

 

[CourtneyChameleon]

I felt sick from my own assaults just reading this!

One part of me urges you to take the support that's available but that's only cause I wasn't supported in mine-and one of my assaults ended in a forced unwanted pregnancy. But I can't make my sexual assault about you.

I can relate to the feeling of wanting to tell someone sooooo badly because your not sure if it was what it was and you want it validated,but at the same time you know exactly what happened and telling someone could send a ripple effect through the group of people you associate/hang with.

You have excellent insight into yourself which is super wonderful to see. I assume you are a young person and having insight into your own feelings and what's happening is brilliant cause it'll be baby steps towards healing.

With one of my assaults i ended up seeking a free sexual assault counselling service,an I found it tremendously helpful. It was all confidential,they weren't all 'pressurey' in terms of getting me to report or press charges.

I'm based in Australia and the service was called Yarrow Place-in Adelaide. I'm not sure where you are based, but finding a service similar in where your based could be super helpful.
In all my assaults alcohol was involved, to erase the last assault from my mind I'd drink and drink to the point of passing out,vomiting and even wetting myself, and because of that I honestly thought I wouldn't be believed but at this service I was. And assaults committed while the victim is heavily under the influence is very common-not that we should normalise it. Cause it's not on!

I give you many healthy healing vibes! And condolences on your grandpa and current situation and pain, I can only imagine xoxox

Sorry if I come across as forward-I'm only just new for his forum and this is my first post.

 

[Healing Reins]

she by law needs to tell the DHS (department of human services..) they tell the police, and then I have to talk to the police. I'm scared to be honest with her, and just say it. She already knows about the drinking. So If I tell her I was raped, she will put all the pieces together...she knows about me passing out too. So she will know I passed out and got raped. I just feel like tomorrow I'm going to tell her, but I'm really scared to tell her! What if I have a flashback during it...that's what I'm really worried about. Having a flashback when I tell her..and then if I have one, I wont be able to tell her...

Are they flashbacks...it feels like its happening again, but I know it's not. I just freeze up and my face gets really hot and my chest starts to itch..

 

[Rizen]

I just feel like tomorrow I'm going to tell her, but I'm really scared to tell her! What if I have a flashback during it...that's what I'm really worried about. Having a flashback when I tell her..and then if I have one, I wont be able to tell her...

Are they flashbacks...it feels like its happening again, but I know it's not. I just freeze up and my face gets really hot and my chest starts to itch..

You can write a letter or even copy and paste the first post and print it if you need to.
Sorry that happened to you. :(

 

[J_trustno1]

first of all, I'm very sorry to hear what has happened to you @Healing Reins. I don't believe anything what has happened was your fault. Yes you were upset and took drinking as an alternative for short-term relief which turned out to be worst than you imagined. None of it was your fault, you were having trouble coping.

Secondly, I can understand that you are worried about your confidentiality and having trusting issues with your youth leader. She seems to supportive to you but you are worried about being informed to the police. Is there any other person whom you can discuss this with? Maybe a different counselor or someone whom you can really trust? I know that it is eating you inside and it is not good being in this position. I have been in situations like this and it is never helpful to keep it hidden inside. No, you are not dirty because of what has happened to you. Someone took advantage of your unconsciousness which is actually bad on their part not yours. I hope you find someone you can open up to everything without this police being involved. It seems like you are also being affected by all this legal stuff. You need a way out of this so that you feel free of this guilt. I hope this helped.

 

[Echo]

@Healing Reins - I am so sorry that you are really starting to feel the effects of this attack. Alcohol might have protected you at the time of the attack from being fully aware, but your body is remembering, and unfortunately it leaves you with flashbacks to things you can't remember in the ordinary way. It must be so horrible and disconcerting for you.

Am I right in thinking you have been in therapy for a previous rape and have been working with a (trauma?) therapist for some time? Are you still able to see that therapist and would she/he be someone in whom you could confide now? It is so important and so much better for you if you can get as much support around you as possible. I wasn't able to after my last rape, due to being raped abroad, then returning home and two days later going to live abroad again on my own for a year. The lack of support from my family and any other person or agency has had a profound effect on my life. I'm having to deal with it many years later. I really wish I could have been helped at the time. It would be far better to deal with it now so that everyone can help you make sure it doesn't make your PTSD symptoms any worse than they have to be.

I think you were also worrying about flashbacks from your previous rape being evident to your youth leader. Now that she knows more about it (I think you said she'd educated herself about PTSD or flashbacks since then), I also feel she would be extremely unlikely to judge you. She shows many signs of wanting to support you, though this mandatory reporting thing is getting in the way. It is unfortunate that it seems to take away the choice that any rape victim should have as to whether, how and when they report, but it is as it is.

If you don't any longer have a therapist and really don't feel you should confide in your youth leader, I would really advise you to contact one of the rape charities. They won't force you to report (it will be your choice) but you will have someone to talk to there, they have lots of experience of dealing with people who have been assaulted, and they will be very understanding and non-judgmental. They would advise you properly and in all likelihood would be able to offer you someone to accompany you to the police if you ever choose to report.

The man who did this to you is a rapist. He forced himself on you when you had every right to be safe. Many women think it is their fault that they have been raped. It seems to go with the territory; I certainly did at the time and for many years afterwards. Most rape victims feel awful shame and guilt, and really we shouldn't. The blame lies entirely with the man who did this to you. He may well be someone who deliberately stays sober on such occasions just waiting for someone to be sufficiently vulnerable to do this to them. Some women believe they were drunk when in fact their drinks were spiked. I thought I was to blame until my sister told me years later that my rapist's 'friend' had told her the day after my rape that I was the twelfth one he had done this to. If someone is a rapist, they will very likely carry on doing this until they get caught. Your rapist wasn't just a boy who also got too drunk to think straight. Most drunken men do not rape.

Whichever path you choose, please find yourself some support and please don't worry about people thinking badly of you. Most people will be very understanding and kind, and many people's first response is to be angry at the rapist and protective of you. Allow people to take care of you and share your worries. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. Keep talking to us here, too.

 

[scout86]

I'm not sure what all the details are of being a mandatory reporter. You CAN talk with your leader about THAT. Here's what I'm wondering. "What's there to report?" She could report the underage drinking, but I'm not sure she's obligated to do that. Even if she is, there's nothing that's going to happen in that regard now. You have evidence that you were most likely assaulted and you have suspicions. She COULD report THAT, but there is no individual suspect to report as being probably responsible, is there? (You don't know who did this.) There's nothing here the authorities can act on. Too bad, but true. I'm not sure how much she's obligated to report in a case like that. What ever she could report would be a waste of everyone's time, wouldn't it?

It seems like you could talk to her about wanting to talk to her, then see what she says and go from there.

On the alcohol use. Personally, I think you're right, most likely none of this would have happened if you hadn't had too much to drink. The rape is not your fault. You're the one that chose to drink, so you pretty much own that, IMO. This kind of thing is one of the reasons getting drunk can be a REALLY bad idea.

have any of you had someone that you knew was struggling a lot, and they wanted to tell you but they felt like they couldn't? Did you think any less of them? <--- I'm scared she thinks less of me because I can't tell her.

I've never been in the position you describe, but I've been in YOUR position, where there were things I really wanted to tell someone and was afraid to and was afraid of what they would think after they knew. I went ahead a talked about it (not very well!). I can still easily remember being scared to death that things would never be the same. They weren't. They were better. I can't make promises for what other people will do, but I think you'll find that they are kind, accepting, and understanding more than you might think. This woman sounds like a good person and I'd bet you can safely trust her.

BTW, the anger, even if misplaced, is pretty "normal" for this abnormal situation.

 

[Echo]

have any of you had someone that you knew was struggling a lot, and they wanted to tell you but they felt like they couldn't? Did you think any less of them? <--- I'm scared she thinks less of me because I can't tell her.

In answer to this question, yes, I have been around people both privately and professionally who were almost bursting to tell me something but couldn't yet, and I felt only compassion for them. It was obvious to me that they were in great pain or ashamed and it would never have dawned on me to feel critically of them. In fact, it generally made me feel very privileged that they were on the verge of confiding in me and were able to show me that they were struggling.

@scout86 - yes, drinking too much is not great at any age, but it is not the reason Healing Reins was raped. She was raped because there was a rapist in the building who chose to rape her. It is not great self-care to drink like that, but no-one should expect even then to get raped. I'm not sure this should be the primary focus at the moment; surely helping Healing Reins feel sufficiently empowered to get help and support should be the key thing.

I understand Healing Reins has seen her gyno and had it confirmed that there was evidence of forced entry. It may be possible for the police to investigate by finding out people's movements at the party. There were many witnesses, who may well have no idea what they were witnessing, but who would be able to say who went in and out of that bedroom. And who knows whether people took photos at the party which might include the rapist? Anyway, that is for Healing Reins to chose, but there may well be every point in reporting if she wants to do so.