Childhood 4 Years And Younger Angry Self

[Chava]

Has anyone else accessed this? I think this is where my drinking (adult) came from. Whoa, I'm f*cking mad. I'm scribbling. And my drawings are of 2-year-old type people with one blob of a body and stick limbs. I noticed in artwork saved from the hospital that I could paint little flowers, lots of tiny details. But I would also scribble red crayon randomly if given a coloring book page, going all outside the line (so, like regressive or angry coloring).

I got to do some angry coloring in therapy last week. After doing some pushing with my feet and putting my whole body into it, the drawings transformed....from a lot of red scratchy intensity inside the circle I drew, to intensity on the outside, and cooler colors.

I was angry at the hospital I suppose (age 4, PICU, family rarely present since I was sent to a different city for special PICU services). But it's interesting my current angry drawings are like ages 1-3 scribbles and bodies...often bodies chopped in halves. My art work is where I regress into anger and into the years before age 4.

So my question is, how have you (if you have early childhood trauma) witnessed your younger self or seen those emotions come up? What do you do? Does it help? I know I feel much better after scribbling!

 

[Saint Nik]

I have never tried this, but I am going to :tup:

 

[Chava]

Thank you for responding and considering. I hope it's helpful to you.

p.s. I sold over $3,000 on artwork that was probably created from a 4=yr old (and regressed at that...maybe toddler)...it creeps me out. But it also my "safe" anger.

Thank you @Saint Nik ......let me know how it goes!!!!

 

[jaccat]

I bought an 'anger doll' at the advice of my therapist. It's just a doll (actually mine is a dog toy) that I keep purely to take my anger out on. I punch it, throw it, squeeze it, growl at it. Just like a child. Finding it took a fair bit of effort. It had to be something I didn't feel guilty about using that way (dolls are still very much caught up with love and family in my head- as opposed to my actual family). That's why in the end I settled on a dog toy that looks like a doll. I named it after a family member I dislike.

I also draw at times when I can't express myself. Depends where I'm at, but some of those drawing are just huge pencil scribbles where I go over and over and over until there's barely anything but grey. Others look like they were drawn by a child- a talented child, but a child all the same.

In the past I also took to tearing up sheets of paper into tiny scraps like confetti. There's a scary photo of me doing this in a friend's room at uni. I have this weird grin on my face.

I have to be careful not to direct that anger at myself. I'm still struggling with feeling anything much, I shut it all away for so long. Anger still feels dangerous. When it comes up I have to fight the urge to blame myself, which leads to me wanting to do something that will hurt, just because. Puching my anger doll is preferrable to punching my desk.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm careful to repress my anger, or more likely to turn it onto myself. I try to release it through gardening and now I am building a fairy garden which is a goal to experience playful activities that I missed out on as a child. I was deprived of toys and play. As I recall, I hid a lot and tried to disappear.

I think it's pretty cool that you have the artwork you produced as a child. Must give you loads of insight.

 

[Chava]

@KwanYingirl not much was saved but I appreciate that this little bit of artwork was saved. I think gardening and things that help channel the energy is really good (and partly distracting). My therapist encouraged me not to go into the anger alone since I suck so badly at it...but it's hard to control where I go if I'm drunk.