Just a Child
Funny how the mind works as it can block certain memories when young. I recall having nightmares constantly through early grade school waking in terror yet only a few years ago I realized why this took place. My mother was a heavy drinker and sent me over to a friends house to stay one night so she could go out and get drunk at the bars. I was only 7 at the time and the mother of the friend she sent me to ended up also going to the bar leaving me and the other 7 or maybe 8 year old kids alone. When his mother go home we was still awake and her boyfriend started fighting with her. At one point she gets pushed against the counter picks up a kitchen knife and stabs him in the chest as she screams for us to run down the block to my house. Of course my mother was not home but my sister was and opened the door for us after that all I recall is police and then my friend having to leave as was screaming/crying.
Forward onto my Teens...
Seemed like 3 or 4 times a night my mothers boyfriend would get drunk and then start arguing or fight late at night. The screaming would wake me up yet all I could do is lay in bed and listen. Then in my later teens I found myself not able to take it anymore he once was attacking my mother and I found myself fighting with him and able to overcome as he was very drunk that night. He claimed I broke his nose in the fight yet I do not recall any blood. Two of my 3 older brothers 10+ years already moved out of the house helped to harden me some and not having a father the younger of the 3 became my mentor/father figure. Yet that *&^ hole kept drinking and kept wanting to fight. My one sister was raped at a party when she was 17 and ending up impregnated. One night I hear her screaming for me when I get out of bed and to the living room he is on top of her as she was trying to kick herself free once again I have to fight with him and he leaves. Then one night i wake to him pulling me out of bed by my hair that time I did break his nose but he also ripped a large section of hair from my head and bleeding heavy. Growing up was hell and yet that seems like nothing vs what's to come.
The Suicide Years
Found myself partying a lot through my late teens, 20s and into my early 30's. I mostly just smoked lots of weed hardly drank and very little other drug use even though it was all around my. Guess the drunk I grew up around did teach me not to drink yet most of my friends did a tight group of around 40/50 of us. Lost one friend/coworker to suicide in my late teens and managed on. But then in my mid 30's I lost 4 close friends to suicide in about a years span. The one had cancer and the pain was to much he ended up stating his car in the garage and fell asleep...I can make sense of that. Then another's wife was cheating on him and from what I heard her got drunk got in his car with a loaded shotgun and was going to find the guy and kill him. There was a police chase and he eventually ran out of gas and blew his brains out before the police got up to the car. Then one friend of mine also going through a divorce and started drinking heaving hung himself. I tried to get him to stop drinking yet the one night i stop by no answer at the door and music cranked. I figured he was passed out so I left but the next night I return and that same song is playing (REO speed wagon Time for me to fly) I notice a light on through the cellar basement and go inside. Yell for him yet no answer I look in each room yet only empty beer cans and whiskey bottles. I proceed to the cellar and can hear a clicking sound as I walk across the room it was the pump on the empty oil furnace. I was so focused on the noise that I found myself walking around the corner and coming face to face with my friend. He hung himself 3 days prior and for like 2 seconds I did not realize what I was seeing. His hands lifted up as if he had a beer in one hand and cig in the other. But his eyes said it all " I have heard once you look into a dead mans eyes you are cursed" And so it be. One month afterwards another very close friend does the exact same thing in his letter he said he did not want to leave him alone and yet now I am alone.
Back to the Family and my 4 year curse
It seems as if death happens every 4 years now as I lose my 2nd oldest brother to a stroke. Him and the youngest of my 3 older brothers worked together and he ended up dying in his hands in the breakroom where they worked. Move forward about 4 years and now my mother is dying from cancer between me and my one sister we kept from going to a nursing home as she wanted. The cancer won and I find myself finding her one morning when I stop by after work my sister took it very hard. Moving on another 4 years and now my brother/mentor the one who held my other brother in his arms as he died is killed in a explosion where he worked. Nothing like telling the mortician the combover does not quite cover up the half of his skull that got crushed in """"Closed Casket"""...move on 4 years covid hits guess that's all my fault and part of the curse. Present day or last week 2 of my sisters are calling me but I am driving truck and not able to answer. When I call back I find out my one sister has died while on break where she worked. She was the one that was raped and helped care for my mother she was the only family I had left living near by and now I am truly alone.
The Good News
Guess I have 4 years now before the curse strikes again. Then again everyday now feels like a curse and life is on empty
Funny how the mind works as it can block certain memories when young. I recall having nightmares constantly through early grade school waking in terror yet only a few years ago I realized why this took place. My mother was a heavy drinker and sent me over to a friends house to stay one night so she could go out and get drunk at the bars. I was only 7 at the time and the mother of the friend she sent me to ended up also going to the bar leaving me and the other 7 or maybe 8 year old kids alone. When his mother go home we was still awake and her boyfriend started fighting with her. At one point she gets pushed against the counter picks up a kitchen knife and stabs him in the chest as she screams for us to run down the block to my house. Of course my mother was not home but my sister was and opened the door for us after that all I recall is police and then my friend having to leave as was screaming/crying.
Forward onto my Teens...
Seemed like 3 or 4 times a night my mothers boyfriend would get drunk and then start arguing or fight late at night. The screaming would wake me up yet all I could do is lay in bed and listen. Then in my later teens I found myself not able to take it anymore he once was attacking my mother and I found myself fighting with him and able to overcome as he was very drunk that night. He claimed I broke his nose in the fight yet I do not recall any blood. Two of my 3 older brothers 10+ years already moved out of the house helped to harden me some and not having a father the younger of the 3 became my mentor/father figure. Yet that *&^ hole kept drinking and kept wanting to fight. My one sister was raped at a party when she was 17 and ending up impregnated. One night I hear her screaming for me when I get out of bed and to the living room he is on top of her as she was trying to kick herself free once again I have to fight with him and he leaves. Then one night i wake to him pulling me out of bed by my hair that time I did break his nose but he also ripped a large section of hair from my head and bleeding heavy. Growing up was hell and yet that seems like nothing vs what's to come.
The Suicide Years
Found myself partying a lot through my late teens, 20s and into my early 30's. I mostly just smoked lots of weed hardly drank and very little other drug use even though it was all around my. Guess the drunk I grew up around did teach me not to drink yet most of my friends did a tight group of around 40/50 of us. Lost one friend/coworker to suicide in my late teens and managed on. But then in my mid 30's I lost 4 close friends to suicide in about a years span. The one had cancer and the pain was to much he ended up stating his car in the garage and fell asleep...I can make sense of that. Then another's wife was cheating on him and from what I heard her got drunk got in his car with a loaded shotgun and was going to find the guy and kill him. There was a police chase and he eventually ran out of gas and blew his brains out before the police got up to the car. Then one friend of mine also going through a divorce and started drinking heaving hung himself. I tried to get him to stop drinking yet the one night i stop by no answer at the door and music cranked. I figured he was passed out so I left but the next night I return and that same song is playing (REO speed wagon Time for me to fly) I notice a light on through the cellar basement and go inside. Yell for him yet no answer I look in each room yet only empty beer cans and whiskey bottles. I proceed to the cellar and can hear a clicking sound as I walk across the room it was the pump on the empty oil furnace. I was so focused on the noise that I found myself walking around the corner and coming face to face with my friend. He hung himself 3 days prior and for like 2 seconds I did not realize what I was seeing. His hands lifted up as if he had a beer in one hand and cig in the other. But his eyes said it all " I have heard once you look into a dead mans eyes you are cursed" And so it be. One month afterwards another very close friend does the exact same thing in his letter he said he did not want to leave him alone and yet now I am alone.
Back to the Family and my 4 year curse
It seems as if death happens every 4 years now as I lose my 2nd oldest brother to a stroke. Him and the youngest of my 3 older brothers worked together and he ended up dying in his hands in the breakroom where they worked. Move forward about 4 years and now my mother is dying from cancer between me and my one sister we kept from going to a nursing home as she wanted. The cancer won and I find myself finding her one morning when I stop by after work my sister took it very hard. Moving on another 4 years and now my brother/mentor the one who held my other brother in his arms as he died is killed in a explosion where he worked. Nothing like telling the mortician the combover does not quite cover up the half of his skull that got crushed in """"Closed Casket"""...move on 4 years covid hits guess that's all my fault and part of the curse. Present day or last week 2 of my sisters are calling me but I am driving truck and not able to answer. When I call back I find out my one sister has died while on break where she worked. She was the one that was raped and helped care for my mother she was the only family I had left living near by and now I am truly alone.
The Good News
Guess I have 4 years now before the curse strikes again. Then again everyday now feels like a curse and life is on empty
God bless the buts!! 
