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This curse needs to end. Death every 4 years.

B.Fish

New Here
Just a Child
Funny how the mind works as it can block certain memories when young. I recall having nightmares constantly through early grade school waking in terror yet only a few years ago I realized why this took place. My mother was a heavy drinker and sent me over to a friends house to stay one night so she could go out and get drunk at the bars. I was only 7 at the time and the mother of the friend she sent me to ended up also going to the bar leaving me and the other 7 or maybe 8 year old kids alone. When his mother go home we was still awake and her boyfriend started fighting with her. At one point she gets pushed against the counter picks up a kitchen knife and stabs him in the chest as she screams for us to run down the block to my house. Of course my mother was not home but my sister was and opened the door for us after that all I recall is police and then my friend having to leave as was screaming/crying.

Forward onto my Teens...
Seemed like 3 or 4 times a night my mothers boyfriend would get drunk and then start arguing or fight late at night. The screaming would wake me up yet all I could do is lay in bed and listen. Then in my later teens I found myself not able to take it anymore he once was attacking my mother and I found myself fighting with him and able to overcome as he was very drunk that night. He claimed I broke his nose in the fight yet I do not recall any blood. Two of my 3 older brothers 10+ years already moved out of the house helped to harden me some and not having a father the younger of the 3 became my mentor/father figure. Yet that *&^ hole kept drinking and kept wanting to fight. My one sister was raped at a party when she was 17 and ending up impregnated. One night I hear her screaming for me when I get out of bed and to the living room he is on top of her as she was trying to kick herself free once again I have to fight with him and he leaves. Then one night i wake to him pulling me out of bed by my hair that time I did break his nose but he also ripped a large section of hair from my head and bleeding heavy. Growing up was hell and yet that seems like nothing vs what's to come.

The Suicide Years
Found myself partying a lot through my late teens, 20s and into my early 30's. I mostly just smoked lots of weed hardly drank and very little other drug use even though it was all around my. Guess the drunk I grew up around did teach me not to drink yet most of my friends did a tight group of around 40/50 of us. Lost one friend/coworker to suicide in my late teens and managed on. But then in my mid 30's I lost 4 close friends to suicide in about a years span. The one had cancer and the pain was to much he ended up stating his car in the garage and fell asleep...I can make sense of that. Then another's wife was cheating on him and from what I heard her got drunk got in his car with a loaded shotgun and was going to find the guy and kill him. There was a police chase and he eventually ran out of gas and blew his brains out before the police got up to the car. Then one friend of mine also going through a divorce and started drinking heaving hung himself. I tried to get him to stop drinking yet the one night i stop by no answer at the door and music cranked. I figured he was passed out so I left but the next night I return and that same song is playing (REO speed wagon Time for me to fly) I notice a light on through the cellar basement and go inside. Yell for him yet no answer I look in each room yet only empty beer cans and whiskey bottles. I proceed to the cellar and can hear a clicking sound as I walk across the room it was the pump on the empty oil furnace. I was so focused on the noise that I found myself walking around the corner and coming face to face with my friend. He hung himself 3 days prior and for like 2 seconds I did not realize what I was seeing. His hands lifted up as if he had a beer in one hand and cig in the other. But his eyes said it all " I have heard once you look into a dead mans eyes you are cursed" And so it be. One month afterwards another very close friend does the exact same thing in his letter he said he did not want to leave him alone and yet now I am alone.

Back to the Family and my 4 year curse
It seems as if death happens every 4 years now as I lose my 2nd oldest brother to a stroke. Him and the youngest of my 3 older brothers worked together and he ended up dying in his hands in the breakroom where they worked. Move forward about 4 years and now my mother is dying from cancer between me and my one sister we kept from going to a nursing home as she wanted. The cancer won and I find myself finding her one morning when I stop by after work my sister took it very hard. Moving on another 4 years and now my brother/mentor the one who held my other brother in his arms as he died is killed in a explosion where he worked. Nothing like telling the mortician the combover does not quite cover up the half of his skull that got crushed in """"Closed Casket"""...move on 4 years covid hits guess that's all my fault and part of the curse. Present day or last week 2 of my sisters are calling me but I am driving truck and not able to answer. When I call back I find out my one sister has died while on break where she worked. She was the one that was raped and helped care for my mother she was the only family I had left living near by and now I am truly alone.

The Good News
Guess I have 4 years now before the curse strikes again. Then again everyday now feels like a curse and life is on empty
 
move on 4 years covid hits guess that's all my fault and part of the curse.
This is a cognitive distortion thinking that you are personally responsible for this or any of the stuff you talked about. I’m sorry you’ve been grieving so much loss but it’s not your fault.
 
This is a cognitive distortion thinking that you are personally responsible for this or any of the stuff you talked about. I’m sorry you’ve been grieving so much loss but it’s not your fault.
After the loss of 4 close friends to suicide and finding one of them I deal with lots of anxiety that tends to manifest in anger. Most times I do not even realize that I come off that way or catch myself before I go to far. The one time I went for professional help the doctor wanted to prescribe me meds even though I mention how the friend I found ran out of his meds and think added to his spiral into suicide. That and if the doctor looked into his record he would know not to give such meds due to alcoholism. But the loss of 3 siblings and how they all died at work is becoming to overwhelming when I am working. Shortly after my brother was killed in the explosion where he worked I quit my job and called OSHA on them. One guy lost 3 fingers another the tip of his little finger crushed thumb and a 18 year old kid had his hand crushed. I took it upon myself to find a safe way to perform the task that caused the injuries and was able to do without hands even being near the danger and took less time even. The supervisor did not like it I think because it was not his idea and I walked right out the door. I went to getting my CDL as it allows me a tad more control of job. But after my sister passed away at work everyday I go to work all I can think of is my 3 siblings passing at there jobs and making my job so hard to cope with. Really what's the odds of this taking place and yet I win the FML lottery.
 
I’m on an every 2 year cycle of badness, if it helps?

2 years to just get back up on my feet after my divorce
2 years to deal with a military court thing
2 years to recover from a particularly perky flu
2 years of Covid
18mo (and counting) of dealing with an infection effecting my CNS/ANS

That’s been my life for the past 10 years.

Every. Damn. Time. I actually start to get back up on my feet and start to rebuild my life? It all comes crashing down.

Now, a whole helluva lot of other things have ALSO happened over those 10 years, but because I value my life & independence above almost all else? And each and every single time I had to start over, I was doing so from a worse position?!? This is the pattern that screams at me the loudest. Everything has gone to hell. Fawking cursed. FML.

Meanwhile, things like who’s died / who have I lost, in my life? “Just” seem like part of life to me; instead of something I’m shredded over, and screaming to the stars.

So I very much get feeling locked into a cycle of of badness (of COURSE Covid happened when it did, it had been 2 years, and I was just getting back up on my feet… again).

But? The patterns our hearts and minds lock onto tend to be pretty telling, to a deeper series of issues, or they wouldn’t have picked THAT pattern, ya know? They’d have found another one. Figuring out what those deeper needs/wants/desires/fears/issues are? Won’t stop f*cked up shit from happening, but it doesn’t hit as hard, and I’m able to adapt/recover faster.
 
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Hi @B.Fish . I think if you told anyone your story, or thought of someone, a friend, experiencing what you have and by your age, I think most would feel (or you would feel for them) both horrified and saddened and empathetic. While it is true certain jobs or problematic work sites or even lifestyles have a greater chance of death, having no warning (shock) , the person being loved and having a central role in your life, or a death feeling preventable (suicide, job site), let alone finding the person, are all very traumatic. Illness usually has some warning, old age by it's nature, though there are other parts that cause suffering and grief. But accidents or the unexpected are brutal and have no chance to say goodbye, or even wrap your mind around it. In a blink of an eye your whole life can change.

The bad news is there is no guarantee it will take 4 more years to occur again. The good news is it may never, or never in the ways you've experienced. But I get it, it takes years to override noticing similarities. Did it occur when you were happy for once, or conversely suicidal? Did it happen after an argument, or when you were finally getting grounded? The associations can be endless. I found when they occur for me I have to stop; identify why I'm thinking it (know why); and decide to not assume it's likely. Possible? Yes. Probable? Hopefully not. And identify all the things that haven't occurred, or when situations turned out better or were ok. Or even the impossibly good things that occur, or have occurred.

We can only make the most of the day we have., and the people and animals in our life.

I'm very sorry for your losses. Welcome to you.
 
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I see you. I feel you. I'm here too. It royally sucks. Those of us who walk this road, can't explain the way we got here, but maybe, just maybe, we can walk each other the rest of the way.
 
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