Sufferer New here—spouse on ASD spectrum cannot meet emotional needs

[Jennhopes4more]

Hi. New here. I have a lot of trauma—raised by severely mentally ill mother who meets psychopathy criteria (I work in the field so, I know and my previous providers have endorsed that ‘unofficial, but if I were to make a guess’ diagnosis). Myself, diagnosed with OCD and GAD. Not formal (or so I’ve been told) but highly suspected, CPTSD. Married to the man of my dreams in so many ways but this big one: his Autism impacts his emotional range, emotional reciprocity, and affective empathy (cognitively, he gets it and I feel that support). But he doesn’t “get it”. I don’t have friends, as I find it hard to trust people, and the closest thing I had to friends have both moved out of state and are off living their best lives. Actually, that’s inaccurate. I still speak to my childhood best friend, who, because my mother is so ill but also, so intensely manipulative, that he has no idea of who she is. No one does by me, my Autistic mother, my father, my step-mother, and my “step-father figure. So, it’s kind of a mind f*ck cause he will talk so kindly about her, how nice she is to him, how much he loves her…but, I digress.


When I shared that part of myself with my two friends, who are both providers in the mental health field, I found it hard to feel like they truly understood my experiences or even my emotions around them, y mother, relationships, etc.…my brother and I joke that only we can understand it because we lived it. My father can, to some degree, but it’s only in overlapping places. Like I said, my husband is wonderful….great listener (if he focuses…he also has ADHD) but man, does he forever miss the “I receive you, emotionally, with that fresh-from-the-dryer warmth”. And it’s not for lack of trying because I see it, he is trying but it’s a blind spot for him.

I have a therapist and she gets it, academically. They all have, academically (but one, who is very retired and no longer reachable). But I need someone as broken as I feel right now. Someone who gets it and can see me when I speak. Who hears me silently screaming in that crowded room. Important note: I am not and have not been in 30+ years even the slightest bit passively or actively suicidal. No history of self harm. Never any homicidal thoughts. I’m just sad. I feel alone in a world that I feel only other wounded birds like myself can even understand.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hello, and welcome to the myptsd.com community. I want to express my heartfelt empathy for everything you've shared. It sounds like you have been through a lot of challenging experiences, and it's clear that you are seeking understanding and connection from those who can truly comprehend what you're going through.

I'm so glad to hear that you have a therapist who understands your experiences academically. However, I understand the deep need to connect with others who can truly empathize with your pain and struggles on a personal level.

This community is a safe space where you can share your feelings and experiences with individuals who have also faced trauma, PTSD, and CPTSD. Here, you can find understanding and support from people who may have had similar experiences and can relate to your emotions.

I encourage you to explore the different forums available on myptsd.com that cover various topics related to PTSD and CPTSD. Engaging in discussions and sharing your story can be incredibly therapeutic and can help you feel less alone in your journey towards healing.

Remember, seeking help and reaching out for support is a sign of strength, and you are taking a brave step by sharing your feelings here. Please feel free to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with, and know that you are among peers who understand and care.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. Which will hopefully be a whole community of folks who get it:)

 

[Ohmygosh]

Hi. New here. I have a lot of trauma—raised by severely mentally ill mother who meets psychopathy criteria (I work in the field so, I know and my previous providers have endorsed that ‘unofficial, but if I were to make a guess’ diagnosis). Myself, diagnosed with OCD and GAD. Not formal (or so I’ve been told) but highly suspected, CPTSD. Married to the man of my dreams in so many ways but this big one: his Autism impacts his emotional range, emotional reciprocity, and affective empathy (cognitively, he gets it and I feel that support). But he doesn’t “get it”. I don’t have friends, as I find it hard to trust people, and the closest thing I had to friends have both moved out of state and are off living their best lives. Actually, that’s inaccurate. I still speak to my childhood best friend, who, because my mother is so ill but also, so intensely manipulative, that he has no idea of who she is. No one does by me, my Autistic mother, my father, my step-mother, and my “step-father figure. So, it’s kind of a mind f*ck cause he will talk so kindly about her, how nice she is to him, how much he loves her…but, I digress.


When I shared that part of myself with my two friends, who are both providers in the mental health field, I found it hard to feel like they truly understood my experiences or even my emotions around them, y mother, relationships, etc.…my brother and I joke that only we can understand it because we lived it. My father can, to some degree, but it’s only in overlapping places. Like I said, my husband is wonderful….great listener (if he focuses…he also has ADHD) but man, does he forever miss the “I receive you, emotionally, with that fresh-from-the-dryer warmth”. And it’s not for lack of trying because I see it, he is trying but it’s a blind spot for him.

I have a therapist and she gets it, academically. They all have, academically (but one, who is very retired and no longer reachable). But I need someone as broken as I feel right now. Someone who gets it and can see me when I speak. Who hears me silently screaming in that crowded room. Important note: I am not and have not been in 30+ years even the slightest bit passively or actively suicidal. No history of self harm. Never any homicidal thoughts. I’m just sad. I feel alone in a world that I feel only other wounded birds like myself can even understand.

I have a very similar experience with marrying someone on the spectrum. Undiagnosed.

My experience was totally valid, though it has not yet been validated, 7 years post-divorce.

Going for a cuddle, and seeing a growl, whilst the man is jerking-off in the nice office I gave him to escape into… it’s a total mind-f*ck. IT obsessions and family in Dot Commers, Autism Speech Pathologist (his mom) dad a contract lawyer.

His parents sent him away to Mexico as a child because he kept lighting things on fire as a child and smashing a things.

When we were married, I figured it out, and had him take a Stanford test. I didn’t know his family. Just him. And they were very welcoming.

Reliving the empathy problem.

I was drinking heavily.

Our flaws that make us less attractive to these specific partners who live by “ideals.”

I don’t want to sugar-coat that our flaws and our beauty is lost on our partners. Though it certainly seems that way! And is that way… but remember that they are living by “standards.”

I think that women of abuse can completely relate. De realization-at times. In-put-out-put. Robots.

I think it’s a big misnomer on the public’s-part assume that high-functioning or Asperger’s don’t lie. That they don’t plan and have selfish interests and intentions.

Popular culture doesn’t highlight this as a real thing.

For me, it was very clear that I wanted to be understood, and doing that isolated me further.

You’re not crazy.

What you do, is the thing that you wanted the most!

You have a partner that you can trust.

He may not be someone who touches, validates, or puts any effort into you… but be smart in ways that I have learned.

Here’s why.

You now have a person who will help you, but they will also leave if you don’t stop living in the past.

Um…. I know it hard to sort.

I’m just staying after doing it poorly, and knowing what you and I and a handful of people understand. Well, wait.

Okay, you’re alone in the relationship. Why not start to recover now?

You’re allowed to.

I think it’s okay to have this conversation with yourself. Your autistic spouse has conversations with himself. All the time.

Live independently, to understand how you will get-along. In every way.

If you are like me, and you did the cleaning and cooking, my ex-appreciated that I catered to some of his regimen, ask him to draw you a bath 5 nights a week, and to make the bed.

Designate some care that he has to do for you.

Start small.

Don’t tear everything down unless you have to do so.

 

[Ohmygosh]

Hello, and welcome to the myptsd.com community. I want to express my heartfelt empathy for everything you've shared. It sounds like you have been through a lot of challenging experiences, and it's clear that you are seeking understanding and connection from those who can truly comprehend what you're going through.

I'm so glad to hear that you have a therapist who understands your experiences academically. However, I understand the deep need to connect with others who can truly empathize with your pain and struggles on a personal level.

This community is a safe space where you can share your feelings and experiences with individuals who have also faced trauma, PTSD, and CPTSD. Here, you can find understanding and support from people who may have had similar experiences and can relate to your emotions.

I encourage you to explore the different forums available on myptsd.com that cover various topics related to PTSD and CPTSD. Engaging in discussions and sharing your story can be incredibly therapeutic and can help you feel less alone in your journey towards healing.

Remember, seeking help and reaching out for support is a sign of strength, and you are taking a brave step by sharing your feelings here. Please feel free to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with, and know that you are among peers who understand and care.

I don’t do it that way, and I still have the distrust of men.

I took the approach of WHY IS EVERYONE SO BLIND! True! IS THERE NOT ONE!!

Nope.

Not one. Like you said. There really is a stigma to talking-shit about Asperger’s! My ex-would approve of having humor about it.

I guess, really that I want to impress on you is that you’re okay to stop beating yourself-up.

You’ve understood the pain.

For those reading this, it’s a horrendous pain.

But I do think it can be softened if it’s understood that most relationships are imperfect.

For me, I was overwhelmed.

I was like- what!!! You’re not going to therapy because it will hurt your career!

Well… he wasn’t totally wrong in understanding the stigma, was he?

I guess I’m just trying to ask you to - separate yourself.

Not live in anything that anyone says.
And figure-out what YOU want.

Make a space for yourself in your home.

That is totally normal!

Our “stable” friends also have to go through being independent, attractive, and making goals.

 

[Ohmygosh]

And wish me well too.

Imploding situations, just because you’re right…

Unfortunately, this world of humans seems to live in perceptions.

I leave it to God.

But I also would like to have to real humans give me props, for what I’ve accomplished and for what I’ve suffered.

 

[arfie]

hello jenn. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Married to the man of my dreams in so many ways but this big one: his Autism impacts his emotional range, emotional reciprocity, and affective empathy (cognitively, he gets it and I feel that support). But he doesn’t “get it”

we don't have autism in play, but i feel this way about my hubby of 43 years. as my recovery has progressed, i've grown ever more convinced that i shouldn't even expect him to "get it." husbands make lousy therapists, even when they are fully qualified to therapute john q. public. recovery seems to progress better when i let a spouse be a spouse and look to therapy supporters for therapy.

my brother and I joke that only we can understand it because we lived it.

for my senses, this is not a joke. it is a harsh reality with some comical truths attached. i lived my childhood trauma with 10 siblings and every single one of us came away with different experiences, perspectives and residual symptoms. no matter how many similarities we may share, you cannot fully understand my ^it^ because you have not lived it. on my more honest days, i don't believe i really understand my own ^it^, either.

I have a therapist and she gets it, academically.

on those honest days where i don't believe i understand myself, either, i wonder if humanity will ever have more than an academic understanding of ^it^.

so i opine. . . just opining in hopes of welcoming you to the forum.

But I need someone as broken as I feel right now.

 

[oh!theperspicacity]

Hi. New here. I have a lot of trauma—raised by severely mentally ill mother who meets psychopathy criteria (I work in the field so, I know and my previous providers have endorsed that ‘unofficial, but if I were to make a guess’ diagnosis). Myself, diagnosed with OCD and GAD. Not formal (or so I’ve been told) but highly suspected, CPTSD. Married to the man of my dreams in so many ways but this big one: his Autism impacts his emotional range, emotional reciprocity, and affective empathy (cognitively, he gets it and I feel that support). But he doesn’t “get it”. I don’t have friends, as I find it hard to trust people, and the closest thing I had to friends have both moved out of state and are off living their best lives. Actually, that’s inaccurate. I still speak to my childhood best friend, who, because my mother is so ill but also, so intensely manipulative, that he has no idea of who she is. No one does by me, my Autistic mother, my father, my step-mother, and my “step-father figure. So, it’s kind of a mind f*ck cause he will talk so kindly about her, how nice she is to him, how much he loves her…but, I digress.


When I shared that part of myself with my two friends, who are both providers in the mental health field, I found it hard to feel like they truly understood my experiences or even my emotions around them, y mother, relationships, etc.…my brother and I joke that only we can understand it because we lived it. My father can, to some degree, but it’s only in overlapping places. Like I said, my husband is wonderful….great listener (if he focuses…he also has ADHD) but man, does he forever miss the “I receive you, emotionally, with that fresh-from-the-dryer warmth”. And it’s not for lack of trying because I see it, he is trying but it’s a blind spot for him.

I have a therapist and she gets it, academically. They all have, academically (but one, who is very retired and no longer reachable). But I need someone as broken as I feel right now. Someone who gets it and can see me when I speak. Who hears me silently screaming in that crowded room. Important note: I am not and have not been in 30+ years even the slightest bit passively or actively suicidal. No history of self harm. Never any homicidal thoughts. I’m just sad. I feel alone in a world that I feel only other wounded birds like myself can even understand.

Hi. I'm new here too and can relate to feeling like nobody gets it. We suspect my husband has ASD and that has left me feeling very lonely in some very dark times. For a long time my husband's selfish nature and lack of affection only perpetuated my core beliefs of being worthless and not enough. And then we had a child and that changed everything. I've tried to parent consciously to avoid traumatising my child the way my parents did me. I saw the way he treated our son and I didn't like it. I wanted better for us. I suddenly became a fighter and believed I deserved better. I've found my voice and spoke up about what I need and things are beginning to improve. By no means perfect, but I feel like he has compassion for me now that wasn't there before. He doesn't understand at all! But he knows what I need in moments of distress and he responds accordingly. I wish this for you too. You so deserve it.

 

[LunaticOnTheFritz]

Hi and welcome. Also new here Jenn.