P
p-no
Yesterday we had the opening of our one-week conference (that I am responsible for with regard to anything admin (including stuff like cleaning a room after dinner, help the catering to set up the buffet, etc.)). So, yesterday the catering for the Official Opening's Dinner came way too early and it was brought by a man who was... I don't know. Different. He sure has some PTSD traits, and a very beautiful smile to go with it. It seemed to me that we're both PTSD-off (in comparison with mentally healthy people): like me, he has trouble finding the right words (trying to be specific and missing the point so the other doesn't understand (e.g. you could say "the big plates over there" but he did what I do: "the round white um... what's the word... the big thing with blue rim..."). We were both struggling with our anger just flaring up because I had noted 6 pm for delivery, he had gotten a piece of paper saying 6 pm start of dinner. I was getting pissed on the inside and while I felt it coming up I saw him doing what I sometimes do too: stop (moving), consciously relax the body and just breathe deeply and focus. It was as if I were looking right at me. Odd experience. So, we muddled ourselves together and the supersweet thing on both ends, the way I perceived it, was: we both understood the other and allowed for space and time. So we both changed gears, back to gear one, and were slowing down everything, speaking, moving, breathing etc. to a common (very slow, lol) level. And on that we met. I don't know how to say this any differently. We just met on a level I have never met another person in real life before. So, I just stayed setting up everything and we talked a bit while doing it and for once I had he feeling that the other, too, like me didn't mind silence in between! I only know people who will fill silence constantly, and I don't like that because it interferes with how my brain works (needing time, etc.).
Since that was the evening of the opening, I had a lot to do so I couldn't take it all in emotionally speaking. It was nice though and a very new experience to me that someone else would actually consciously leave another space, putting thoughts and actions into it, but still following what he wants.
That evening I asked things and he answered, in my view, not answering the real question. But I realized that he was giving me a real answer, from his point of view. He didn't try to avoid anything, just finding the right words, I guess, didn't work so well (probably with me neither).
Today he came again to pick up everything. We had said I would help him in the morning (since I didn't want to stay till midnight for putting dishes and all into piles etc.). This morning, seeing him and talking to him filled me with a very nice feeling of peace, of mutuality, of belonging and not being alone at all. This is something new with another person, and awesome, literally.
So, he told me a bit about him and asked me back about things I had told him the evening before. He remembered stuff I had said, and refered to them! (Okay, now, this sounds weird maybe, but I am not around people much and never have been who care a lot or even remember stuff I said (exeptions: therapists).) Also, he seemed to have sorted his brain out, so to speak, you know, take it in after things have actually happened. The questions and whatever we told each other were more linear.
Anyway, I was thinking what the heck I could do to maybe see him again some time but couldn't figure out anything. And then the feeling of peace hit me again and I thought "F**k It". This was really nice, a "Nice Encounter of the Same Kind". :D
He was done and just standing around a bit then and I had my hand in the bucket with water and soap, but he still wanted to shake it and said he didn't care. Big smile along with it.
I can hear my therapist saying that for a "normal" person that is "just" something nice that has happened, but "for you, who has lived off nothing most of the time, 'just something' is a lot. And if that "a lot" is a good thing, then we can and should be happy about it, and if it's not, we can and should be sad about it." (Quote from an e-mail I got from her few days ago. Have I recently said I love this woman?
So, this was "something", and even "a lot", and I am now enjoying my happiness about it.
Since that was the evening of the opening, I had a lot to do so I couldn't take it all in emotionally speaking. It was nice though and a very new experience to me that someone else would actually consciously leave another space, putting thoughts and actions into it, but still following what he wants.
That evening I asked things and he answered, in my view, not answering the real question. But I realized that he was giving me a real answer, from his point of view. He didn't try to avoid anything, just finding the right words, I guess, didn't work so well (probably with me neither).
Today he came again to pick up everything. We had said I would help him in the morning (since I didn't want to stay till midnight for putting dishes and all into piles etc.). This morning, seeing him and talking to him filled me with a very nice feeling of peace, of mutuality, of belonging and not being alone at all. This is something new with another person, and awesome, literally.
So, he told me a bit about him and asked me back about things I had told him the evening before. He remembered stuff I had said, and refered to them! (Okay, now, this sounds weird maybe, but I am not around people much and never have been who care a lot or even remember stuff I said (exeptions: therapists).) Also, he seemed to have sorted his brain out, so to speak, you know, take it in after things have actually happened. The questions and whatever we told each other were more linear.
Anyway, I was thinking what the heck I could do to maybe see him again some time but couldn't figure out anything. And then the feeling of peace hit me again and I thought "F**k It". This was really nice, a "Nice Encounter of the Same Kind". :D
He was done and just standing around a bit then and I had my hand in the bucket with water and soap, but he still wanted to shake it and said he didn't care. Big smile along with it.
I can hear my therapist saying that for a "normal" person that is "just" something nice that has happened, but "for you, who has lived off nothing most of the time, 'just something' is a lot. And if that "a lot" is a good thing, then we can and should be happy about it, and if it's not, we can and should be sad about it." (Quote from an e-mail I got from her few days ago. Have I recently said I love this woman?
So, this was "something", and even "a lot", and I am now enjoying my happiness about it.
