A Friend

[depressedjenn]

Anyone have problems making friends? I do. I feel like I put a shield around me and won't let anyone in. But....I have my best friend who is my fiance and he is so understanding and has unconditional love for me. Why is it so hard for me to let someone in my life?

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi depressedjenn,

Thanks so much for asking this question! I have the same trouble too. I also am married to my best friend, but I know that I need friendships in addition to him. Before I got married I lived in another state and after several years of effort had finally made some friends. They were very accepting of me for the most part.

Since moving to where my husband lives (almost 5 years ago), I have made attempts again with no success. I feel whenever I go out that as soon as other women start asking me if I have children, do I work, what do I do, etc., that they automatically see that there is something wrong with me. I can see it on their faces! So, I know they are not to be my friends.

But where to go to find people more like me? That has been my issue here. Being married versus single takes a lot more energy, so I don't have as much to invest in friendships now. But I still want them, and hope to find them. I joined this forum just this week as a temporary stepping board to trying again to make friends. I am feeling really isolated right now and need to feel that I am not alone.

I can't answer your question for you, but for myself, I just feel like such a failure. I don't feel like I have much to offer, although my husband feels differently. Even after therapy and group therapy, I still struggle with low self esteem. As I said, women who lead a more traditional life with children, immediate and extended family, work, etc., don't have much in common with me. And as of yet, I haven't found a social group or niche that has women more like me.

I am terrified of being judged. It has happened so much throughout my life and continues to happen occasionally. I know that I should have a thicker skin, that insensitive people don't deserve my friendship anyway, BUT tell that to my subconscious! haha My feelings are a whole different ball game.

The other issue for me is my limits. I have a lot of permanent damage from PTSD. It has taken me a long time to accept this. I want to still hope that my health might improve, but I seem to have stalled in the past few years. If I get too stressed, I get slammed with illness and more severe PTSD. So, I have to be careful not to push myself too hard.

I find the mix of using healthy boundaries and trying to find new friends is really hard. I thinks it's hard for most people to reach out in an effort to find real friends and not just acquaintances. But for those of us with PTSD who perhaps, like me, have been rejected repeatedly because I have an illness, I think it's really hard to keep making that effort.

I don't think I answered your question very well, depressedjenn, but I hope that at least you know that you are not alone in your struggle! If anyone has some good ideas on how to make new friends outside of church or work, please let me know! Thanks!

 

[depressedjenn]

Daisygirl, Thanks so much for your reply. I read your words and I feel like they are coming from my mouth to lol. I feel like I don't have anything to say and if i do say something, someone will think that its stupid. I dont know why I feel this way though. Also, I like being isolated and alone and in my own little world where noone can bother me or hurt me. My perfect place to live would be out in the middle of the wilderness in Montana with nature and no people, thats how I feel sometimes.​

 

[Daisygirl]

I hear you on that one. When I was growing up, my fantasy was that everyone would disappear but me. Then I would roam the country with my horse. I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. Fortunately, I have evolved and healed a lot since then, but I can still understand why I felt that way. I can also understand why you would prefer being isolated.

But as I am sure you know, being isolated has it's drawbacks too. I find I dwell on my past more when I am alone for long periods. Talking to someone has such healing power if they are kind!

 

[depressedjenn]

Oh you are so right! It would be lonely after some time with just your own thoughts. I want to learn how to let people in and i want to feel confident in myself which I never have been. I remember my Mom drilling stuff into my head all my life. For example: jennifer, your just like me, you are dumb in math just like me. When i was 15 she told me you could never run a register because you are just too slow. Why did my Mom put me down for so many years? I, to this day don't understand that. Did it make herself feel better to down me? When I turned 16 I did get a cashier job, but it really stressed me out because I could hear in the back of my mind, Mom saying to me, your slow.

 

[Daisygirl]

Well, it seems we have a lot in common! (Fortunately we have some one to talk to about it, and unfortunately we have circumstances that brought us here.) I had a lot of put downs and criticism growing up too. I also had a lot of double speak - one day I would be praised and another put down. I never knew what to expect. I also have struggled with WHY???

In answer to your question there are several possibilities. Abusive behavior is an "illness" in a sense in that the patterns are passed down generation to generation. Some abuse survivors become abusers and some don't. Don't quote me on this, but I think that the norm is that they don't become abusers. Your mom could have a lot of negative self talk in her head too, and rather than face it herself, she "projected" it onto you. You became an easy target. Did she feel better by tearing you down? It depends on her personality. If she is a narcissistic personality, then yes, tearing you down could make her feel better, more powerful, like she is better than everyone else. If she was just struggling with her own issues, then she may feel some relief by aiming the negativity towards you, just because she didn't have to deal with it herself.

The point of my long answer above is that it wasn't about you. It's her - her past, her issues. Wow, this is SO easy to say to you, but let me try to tell myself that... No, those negative voices are still there! haha So, in theory this answer is supposed to make us all feel better, but it is not so easy to put into practice.

Also, just because her behavior has nothing to do with you, it was wrong. A parent's job is to nurture, love and protect their children. Your mother not doing that is not your fault. And the sad part is that you, me and many others out there have to deal with the mistakes of our parents. We have to do our best to not continue the cycle.

I hope this helps in answering your question!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I too am isolated. I know a few acquitences, that is superficial. I have one good friend, my sponser. She keeps in touch with me. I am a caregiver 24/7, for my husband so I do not get out much. I joined 2 online groups so I would have contact with other survivors. It has been helping. I moved about a year ago and I cut all contact with the people in my life. So It is taking time. I need to reach out more. I need to get out more.

It is so had to let people into my private world. I have too long been involved in crazymaking relationships.
My being friendly brought them in. I had a terrible temper, and would blow up when things got to be too high drama and crazymaking.

I was involved in a religous cult. It was the only people I knew. I got out and I moved away. So I am starting all over. I need to have people in my life that are working on their own recovery. There is a lot of good people out there, it is just how to meet them.

So I started with the online groups. I feel safe because I can come and go as I please. I have a structure, the forum rules. It is alwasy available.

I am a friendly person, but I need to surround myself with healthier people who practice good boundries and dont have denial. I have spent so many years with my life being surrounded by dysfunctional people. I am not looking for perfection, I'm looking for the people who don't need alot of drama in their lives.

I hope this helps. Take what you like and leave the rest. ((HUG))