A (hopefully) brief setback

[Anon1]

Hey guys,

I'm a little discouraged to be back here so soon into the new year - because I felt my healing journey was going so well.

I think it still is - I just had a little setback, and it's nice to write about it somewhere where people understand.

I think it was triggered by speaking to a girl on a dating app, who then disappeared before we could meet up because she'd unexpectedly reconnected with another guy over the last week or two.

She did nothing wrong of course - and I didn't tell her that I felt disappointed; but my (secret) emotional reaction felt disproportionate.

This time last year was the last big break up that I had with my CPTSD (with probable comorbidities) ex.

Though the situation ran on for another six months in a very confusing fashion.

I think 'dating app girl' disappearing suddenly kind of reminded me of the way my ex 'discarded' me.

---

Anyway, the point is -

I was studying in her city at the weekend (where I'm due to commute to once per month until June).

I just felt SO rough this time.

Where the last two months felt like breaking the spell; this time I felt like I was back in 'her country'.

I'd describe it as a nervous system, body and emotions response.

I didn't want her back - but somehow I craved contact.

I felt ashamed... I felt upset.... I felt that I somehow missed her on some level...

I felt sure that I'd messed everything up, and that I deserved to be treated badly (even though my brain knows differently).

I asked some guy for directions to somewhere, and the voice sounded like the guy who called and threatened me.

He left quickly, which is probably good because I just had the presence of mind to ask him about it as he left (I don't mean that I'd have accused or confronted him - I mean, I thought about asking "Hey - do you know 'x'?" Just to see if it was him... and THEN I was ready to tell him where to go, if it had been).

Which seems crazy to me now - it's just the whole thing felt so upfront and raw to me this time.

I felt incredibly lonely; and it wasn't helped by the fact that I have lots of fun acquaintances there, but no deep friendships (some family of mine live an hour out of the city, but it's not always very accessible).

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And I felt discouraged to be feeling those feelings.

I'm back in my hometown now, and just met up with a friend.

I felt a bit embarrassed talking about this situation - we're 'medium level' friends, and I didn't want to get too deep on him.

But even just hanging out with a very stable, relaxed person kind of reset my system and now I feel almost totally okay again.

---

the thing is - I have to choose where to do my course placement now (I'm training to be a counsellor, which I feel a little shy about given everything I'm saying here); and I WANT to live in the city I've just been studying in.

I want to embrace the full experience, to get to know people in that city, and to leave in six months qualified, knowing that I've had the adventure.

But I'm also scared, because if I relapse into "wanting" things back the way they were... it could be a super lonely, and genuinely difficult six months (and it's not great for counselling people, either).

The alternative might be moving in with parents for nine months and doing the placement in my hometown instead - but that feels frustrating.

---

I just wish my emotions felt a lot clearer, and I wish that weird 'flashback-y type thing' hadn't happened to confuse things.

And in truth, I wish I hadn't met that girl so that I could enjoy the city with a blank slate; but I suppose there's no point in thinking like that now.


ANYWAY!


As I say... I'm just here writing something that someone might understand - I don't find it easy to talk to friends about it, because I don't want to moan all the time and I don't want to burden them too much.

I've told one or two people, but now I've written it here as well.

 

[Friday]

The thing about mental illness, psychological conditions, &/or disorders… is that they are ALL the extreme version… of completely. normal. human. behaviour.

Which means one will both dismiss illness/conditions/disorders AS normal, and then with more experience, be smacked across the face with completely normal behaviour hitting like it’s an illness/condition/disorder. <<< On the other side of the forum, you see people struggling to deal with normal anger/etc. because in their experience? Anger = abuse. But that’s simply not the case. Everyone gets angry, but very very veeeery few people are abusive. Anger ≠ Abuse. Abuse = Abuse.

Once you’ve loved/dated someone with PTSD? It’s very easy to YIKES! and “overreact” expecting worse, to completely normal human behaviour. As you’ve been eyeballs deep in the extreme.

One sees, and expects to see, what they’re used to seeing.

 

[Anon1]

The thing about mental illness, psychological conditions, &/or disorders… is that they are ALL the extreme version… of completely. normal. human. behaviour.

Which means one will both dismiss illness/conditions/disorders AS normal, and then with more experience, be smacked across the face with completely normal behaviour hitting like it’s an illness/condition/disorder. <<< On the other side of the forum, you see people struggling to deal with normal anger/etc. because in their experience? Anger = abuse. But that’s simply not the case. Everyone gets angry, but very very veeeery few people are abusive. Anger ≠ Abuse. Abuse = Abuse.

Once you’ve loved/dated someone with PTSD? It’s very easy to YIKES! and “overreact” expecting worse, to completely normal human behaviour. As you’ve been eyeballs deep in the extreme.

One sees, and expects to see, what they’re used to seeing.

Thanks for this Friday - I always appreciate your messages.

Yeah... I don't fully understand it, and I'm a bit frustrated by it, but it rings true.

I had this sense of being so stirred up and worked up and on edge around her... and just the last few days, I've sorta... felt her under my skin again.

But I think I probably need to not dwell on it all and ruminate too hard... and keep looking forward.

I'm not back in last year, it's a new set of circumstances, and I probably shouldn't even be talking or thinking about her now.

How long do things like this take to be totally forgotten, in your experience?

I'd like to go back to 'before her' levels of consistent calm as soon as possible (then again - I can be a bit emotionally up and down anyway...)!

 

[arfie]

during my decades of dealing with my ptsd (under more names than i care to count) i come to view those setbacks, flashbacks and whatnot as signals pointing to where more work/processing/healing is needed. the current day trigger for the psycho event fine tune the signal to help me be more precise in where to ply my therapy tools.

don't accuse me of experting, but i solidly believe the same is true for run-of-the-mill trauma which has yet to acquire the "d" of the disorder. just opining. give it time and hope healing happens here.

 

[Anon1]

during my decades of dealing with my ptsd (under more names than i care to count) i come to view those setbacks, flashbacks and whatnot as signals pointing to where more work/processing/healing is needed. the current day trigger for the psycho event fine tune the signal to help me be more precise in where to ply my therapy tools.

don't accuse me of experting, but i solidly believe the same is true for run-of-the-mill trauma which has yet to acquire the "d" of the disorder. just opining. give it time and hope healing happens here.

Aye, I appreciate your take on that!

Yeah - I'm not sure what's the right thing here - part of me wants to just say:
"Hell, snap out of it, pull yourself together and get your ass back out there!"

But I also don't want to pretend it didn't happen and then be 'ignoring' it for the next year (only to have it spring up somewhere else).

One of the most frustrating things is asking myself if I even want to move to this other city now.

It should feel like an exciting adventure, but man... part of me just wants to enjoy the feeling of not having her within a hundred mile radius.

I'm not sure whether that's a legitimately wise healing move, or whether I'm just ducking out of a potentially healing experience (ie - being there, and having a kind of 'graded exposure' situation)

And I'm also not sure whether I'm giving her too much power, and letting her limit my life adventures.
(Like, why SHOULD an unwell person who treated me badly stop me from having fun and doing what I want, y'know?)

 

[nursenurse]

Knowing how the thoughts still affect you, can you finish off somewhere else, consider a new placement as part of the adventure? In my experience, it may do you no good to knowingly put yourself in a situation where you have found so much distress. The fact that she is still getting under your skin, I think you mentioned threats as well…why would you want to place yourself in that position, or is it the only option available to you? Is it truly the best option for you, or are there other deep rooted reasons for you wanting to be there. Playing devil’s advocate a bit, just want you to truly think about this. Best of luck with the decision making process.

 

[Anon1]

Knowing how the thoughts still affect you, can you finish off somewhere else, consider a new placement as part of the adventure? In my experience, it may do you no good to knowingly put yourself in a situation where you have found so much distress. The fact that she is still getting under your skin, I think you mentioned threats as well…why would you want to place yourself in that position, or is it the only option available to you? Is it truly the best option for you, or are there other deep rooted reasons for you wanting to be there. Playing devil’s advocate a bit, just want you to truly think about this. Best of luck with the decision making process.

Yeah, you're right - there's probably a little mixture of things going on.

I have a couple of family members who live an hour outside of that city, and I do really like it.
I also feel like I've spent a bit too long living in my hometown, and my urge for adventure is kind of strong.

But it's also not impossible that... I don't know... somewhere deep down I might not have managed to cut all of the ties with the situation just yet.

Sometimes - if I'm really honest with myself - what I think she'd say about x, y and z is still in my head.
And I still probably feel influenced by that - not necessarily about the move, but about other things for sure.
Now and then, she'll pop into my head in some situation or other, and I'll feel influenced by her somehow.

So it might play into this decision too, somehow.

There are two things that I've taken from it though -

1 - Now this has happened, I know that I still have some work to do, and I'm going to do it.
I want to grieve the situation a bit more when needed, but also be more ruthless about cutting her from my thoughts and really moving on.

2 - If I DO move to her city - or else if I just continue to commute over once a month - I absolutely need to stop having half an eye open in case I bump into her.
If I do bump into her, then whatever happens happens.
But I'm not going to anxiously keep an eye out for that now - when I'm there, I'll treat it like any other city, stretch my legs, and forget all about her (if I possibly can).

I feel this vigilance towards her and/or her friends keeps me slightly on my toes, and I don't feel fully settled.

So I'd like to change that too.