First things first apologies for this being so long and if there is a few typing errors or my English is not quite up to standard but it is the actual events I want to share with you all.
I was driving to work one morning when I realised I had forgotten my sunglasses and as I had just bought my car and being only 24 years of age I wanted to pose so I turned around and was heading home when I noticed a car coming towards me that had a smashed up front and was veering slightly over my side of the road. As I got closer to the car I tried to get over as far as I could but was tight up against a bridge and the car approaching started to speed up. As the car got close I realised it was going to hit me head on at around 50mph and I saw a lady driving it who was laughing which freaked me out big style. As the impact took place I was smashed against a bridge wall and the other car hitting my front of the car and then carrying on driving all along the side of my car at which point I could see 2 children in the back of the ladies car as then they dove off up the road and she wrapped the car around a lampost. It was then that everything slowed down and people came rushing over to see if I was ok and I seemed fine.
The ambulance arrived and I just kept asking how the kids were and I remember the policeman telling me they had issues with the lady driver the previous day and she had now been sectioned under the mental health act as she was trying to commit suicide and had crashed into another vehicle that same morning. Fortunately Nobody was seriously hurt at the time and after taking the week off work I carried on as normal with everyone telling me how lucky I was to be alive yet I felt strange but was not sure why and for some reason I was very short tempered as I smashed up a water cooler at work within 2 months and remember that quite vividly as something I would never have done had I been 100% my performance dipped at work and I was made redundant but was lucky enough to walk into another job straight away where I met my previous girlfriend we decided to move into together and began saving for a house and everything seemed fine. The week before completion on our house I was again made redundant.
I searched around for work and found the odd job here and there that I stuck with but for some reason I was unable to hold any job down then I felt settled in one job and once again was made redundant then I found employment in London doing what was basically my dream job a lot of travelling was involved but I wanted it so badly I took it on. After 4 days I was sat in the toilet at Mcdonalds at Liverpool St Sobbing not being able to face going in to work I phoned them and told them I was not well and got back on the train home and felt relived a huge pressure off my chest. I phoned the next 3 days in sick and then the next week and the week after at which point I was told dont come back and I felt strangely relived. Mortgae payments were a bit of a struggle but I paid my half with a credit card and was due a payout from the accident and I just needed to hang on until then and it would be alright once we had that. To cut a long story short I lied about working as I had numerous jobs that I got after this stage yet I could not face any of them and probably the longest I stayed in any one job was about 3 days, credit cards bills were coming through the door and I would throw them away or just not open them and hide them. My sleep was limited to around 3 or 4 hours a night max with flashbacks of the lady driers face, the children and the noise it all made yet I still tried to carry on as normal.
I limited the time I spent with my family as I felt emotionally dead, all closeness and intimacy with my girlfriend finished. We recieved £25,000 for the accident as I had got into so much debt I just wrote to the solictor saying I would accept this amount and it duly arrived with a fortnight. We went on a beautiful holiday to Jamaica where I felt alive and so happy yet I still felt dead inside I was unable to feel normal emotions with regard to closeness with my GF then once we arrived back to the UK it was all fine I cancelled my mortgage payments and just put all the cash left over into our mortgage account and ignored it but of course as I was not working it soon got eaten up along with me buying 2 racehorses for some reason and I lived like a king for about 5 months until one day a statement came throught and we had no money at all I had blown it all and I have very little idea on what. I tried desperately to work but just could not do it I would get a job then just not turn up on my first day yet pretend to drive to work and pretend to my GF that I was going to work. I hid all our statements as I tried to work out what I was going to do then I relaised I could do nothing more and owned up that the cash had gone and my GF hit the roof and went nuts. I cant remeber much about the next 2 or 3 weeks I moved back in with my parents and within a month had taken an overdose.
Taken to hospital I survived and had all sorts of people poke and prod me and I told then I dont know what the hell it is but if you let me walk out of here I will kill myself sometime and I dont want to, unfortunately they released me with an appointment in a few months with a phyciatrist. I went back home to my parents and all my family supported me 100% and were non judgemental and were trying to help me so much. I signed over the house to my GF and I felt ok, still having flashbacks, emotionally numb, scared, panic attacks but at least I was safe. I lied about getting a job to my parents/family one day and then drove off into some woods fixed a pipe to my car and went to sleep somehow and still to this day I have no idea how but my brother found me and smashed my car open to drag me out I was taken to hospital where I was kept for a few days then I remeber a lady coming round and in front of my family I begged her to please help me as I dont want to die I just want to know what is wrong, she sat on my bed held my hand and told me I have PTSD explained what it is and I refused to believe her no way could something like that happen to me and the one thing is remeber is a man got me to tell him my symptoms and how I was feeling I done this then he opened up a book with symptoms of PTSD and told me to read them and I could not argue anymore. I was relieved that eventually the way I was feeling had a name and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would be helped and it can be beaten. It took time and was with massive help from my family and two particular counsellors one is a PTSD specialist based in Cambridge and he usd to be a RAF pilot and apparently suffered from PTSD himself which spurred him to help others that I have now had no symptoms for a few years and been working in the same job for around 5 years, bought a flat done it up sold it, bought another house have been to Canada, off to Australia in 6 weeks and various other countries which is something a few years ago I thought would never happen. Been with a beautiful lady now for 5 years we started seeing each other when I had nothing so she is a real good egg!! and I told her everything. There are other things that happened but as a rough outline of coming back from the brink I though some of you may be interested. If there is anything else you want to know then feel free to message me I dont bite.
The one thing I would like to add is my guilt over hurting the people who I loved will never go away, never did I mean to hurt anyone especially my previous GF who I put through hell and for that I am more sorry than words can say but I will not let it stop me from living now.
Hope it has not bored anyone too much and like I say typing is not my forte and please excuse any errors.
I was driving to work one morning when I realised I had forgotten my sunglasses and as I had just bought my car and being only 24 years of age I wanted to pose so I turned around and was heading home when I noticed a car coming towards me that had a smashed up front and was veering slightly over my side of the road. As I got closer to the car I tried to get over as far as I could but was tight up against a bridge and the car approaching started to speed up. As the car got close I realised it was going to hit me head on at around 50mph and I saw a lady driving it who was laughing which freaked me out big style. As the impact took place I was smashed against a bridge wall and the other car hitting my front of the car and then carrying on driving all along the side of my car at which point I could see 2 children in the back of the ladies car as then they dove off up the road and she wrapped the car around a lampost. It was then that everything slowed down and people came rushing over to see if I was ok and I seemed fine.
The ambulance arrived and I just kept asking how the kids were and I remember the policeman telling me they had issues with the lady driver the previous day and she had now been sectioned under the mental health act as she was trying to commit suicide and had crashed into another vehicle that same morning. Fortunately Nobody was seriously hurt at the time and after taking the week off work I carried on as normal with everyone telling me how lucky I was to be alive yet I felt strange but was not sure why and for some reason I was very short tempered as I smashed up a water cooler at work within 2 months and remember that quite vividly as something I would never have done had I been 100% my performance dipped at work and I was made redundant but was lucky enough to walk into another job straight away where I met my previous girlfriend we decided to move into together and began saving for a house and everything seemed fine. The week before completion on our house I was again made redundant.
I searched around for work and found the odd job here and there that I stuck with but for some reason I was unable to hold any job down then I felt settled in one job and once again was made redundant then I found employment in London doing what was basically my dream job a lot of travelling was involved but I wanted it so badly I took it on. After 4 days I was sat in the toilet at Mcdonalds at Liverpool St Sobbing not being able to face going in to work I phoned them and told them I was not well and got back on the train home and felt relived a huge pressure off my chest. I phoned the next 3 days in sick and then the next week and the week after at which point I was told dont come back and I felt strangely relived. Mortgae payments were a bit of a struggle but I paid my half with a credit card and was due a payout from the accident and I just needed to hang on until then and it would be alright once we had that. To cut a long story short I lied about working as I had numerous jobs that I got after this stage yet I could not face any of them and probably the longest I stayed in any one job was about 3 days, credit cards bills were coming through the door and I would throw them away or just not open them and hide them. My sleep was limited to around 3 or 4 hours a night max with flashbacks of the lady driers face, the children and the noise it all made yet I still tried to carry on as normal.
I limited the time I spent with my family as I felt emotionally dead, all closeness and intimacy with my girlfriend finished. We recieved £25,000 for the accident as I had got into so much debt I just wrote to the solictor saying I would accept this amount and it duly arrived with a fortnight. We went on a beautiful holiday to Jamaica where I felt alive and so happy yet I still felt dead inside I was unable to feel normal emotions with regard to closeness with my GF then once we arrived back to the UK it was all fine I cancelled my mortgage payments and just put all the cash left over into our mortgage account and ignored it but of course as I was not working it soon got eaten up along with me buying 2 racehorses for some reason and I lived like a king for about 5 months until one day a statement came throught and we had no money at all I had blown it all and I have very little idea on what. I tried desperately to work but just could not do it I would get a job then just not turn up on my first day yet pretend to drive to work and pretend to my GF that I was going to work. I hid all our statements as I tried to work out what I was going to do then I relaised I could do nothing more and owned up that the cash had gone and my GF hit the roof and went nuts. I cant remeber much about the next 2 or 3 weeks I moved back in with my parents and within a month had taken an overdose.
Taken to hospital I survived and had all sorts of people poke and prod me and I told then I dont know what the hell it is but if you let me walk out of here I will kill myself sometime and I dont want to, unfortunately they released me with an appointment in a few months with a phyciatrist. I went back home to my parents and all my family supported me 100% and were non judgemental and were trying to help me so much. I signed over the house to my GF and I felt ok, still having flashbacks, emotionally numb, scared, panic attacks but at least I was safe. I lied about getting a job to my parents/family one day and then drove off into some woods fixed a pipe to my car and went to sleep somehow and still to this day I have no idea how but my brother found me and smashed my car open to drag me out I was taken to hospital where I was kept for a few days then I remeber a lady coming round and in front of my family I begged her to please help me as I dont want to die I just want to know what is wrong, she sat on my bed held my hand and told me I have PTSD explained what it is and I refused to believe her no way could something like that happen to me and the one thing is remeber is a man got me to tell him my symptoms and how I was feeling I done this then he opened up a book with symptoms of PTSD and told me to read them and I could not argue anymore. I was relieved that eventually the way I was feeling had a name and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would be helped and it can be beaten. It took time and was with massive help from my family and two particular counsellors one is a PTSD specialist based in Cambridge and he usd to be a RAF pilot and apparently suffered from PTSD himself which spurred him to help others that I have now had no symptoms for a few years and been working in the same job for around 5 years, bought a flat done it up sold it, bought another house have been to Canada, off to Australia in 6 weeks and various other countries which is something a few years ago I thought would never happen. Been with a beautiful lady now for 5 years we started seeing each other when I had nothing so she is a real good egg!! and I told her everything. There are other things that happened but as a rough outline of coming back from the brink I though some of you may be interested. If there is anything else you want to know then feel free to message me I dont bite.
The one thing I would like to add is my guilt over hurting the people who I loved will never go away, never did I mean to hurt anyone especially my previous GF who I put through hell and for that I am more sorry than words can say but I will not let it stop me from living now.
Hope it has not bored anyone too much and like I say typing is not my forte and please excuse any errors.
