A Look At An Old Warrior

[Sleeping Dragon]

After over forty years of dealing with combat's effects I'm back in counceling. My therapist told me to keep a jounal and use it to help understand my condition. It's a great tool. I want to share an entry with you because parts of it did a lot to open my eyes.

Date: 4/19

Situation:
It's 2:50 am and I've been up for about one half hour. This episode is far less intense than the last. But, my blood pressure and heart rate are still elevated, BP-137/86 and HR-73. The breathing exercises helped, and the ABCs kept me from focusing on any one trigger. Got a bit of a head ache and tightness in my neck and shoulders.

I want to talk with Dr. Warkenthien on Monday about what triggers what. Does the chemical imbalance in my brain cause the emotional problems, or is the imbalance a result of emotional problems? Maybe they are two separate problems that compound one another. I've only been on the new meds. for a couple of weeks. I have to give them time.

It's interesting that the physical activity required to change out my golf cart batteries yesterday had no adverse effects. Even pushing a wheel barrel fully loaded up a serious grade caused none of the dizziness or agitation associated with post traumatic stress.

Conclusion:
Once again, how the hell do I know?

Follow up note:
Spent some time with Bette Midler on Youtube. Good stuff. Wanted to mix it with a glass of scotch, but that's not a good idea in this kind of mood. It caused big problems in the past. Damn that woman can sing!!!!!

Also listened to the theme from the movie Saving Private Ryan. As I did I remembered lines from that movie. "With every man I kill I get a little farther from home". And, "How will I ever tell my wife about a day like this"?

On nights like this I'm not at home. I'm back in the killing fields. They are a part of me, and no medication or psychotherapy will ever change that. I think God is saying. "I can forgive you for being a warrior because I understand. But, I can never allow you to forget".

I read once where over forty million Americans have served in the military. Of that number over a million were wounded. I was one of them. Spilling my own blood, seeing good men die and taking another man's life stripped me of all innocents, and shattered the world I once knew. Over six-hundred-thousand were killed in action. I was with fifteen of them when they died. Those were my Brothers, and their suffering troubles me. I'd be very disappointed in myself if it didn't.

The sun's gonna come up in a few hours, and I'm going to do all I can to make the new day worth while. I owe it to myself and those fifteen Brothers.

SD

 

[LIllabeth]

Sleeping Dragon,

I hope it's ok to let you know that I am sending you a big hug and this poem, which I am sure you have heard before. Let it bring you some respite and peace because it is not your time yet(!) so simply believe

Final Inspection

The soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass,
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.
"Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?"

The soldier squared his shoulders and
said, "No, Lord, I guess I ain't,
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough,
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny
That wasn't mine to keep
Though I worked a lot of overtime
When the bills got just too steep,
And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear,
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place
Among the people here,
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand,
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand."
There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod,
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

"Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well,
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell."

Author: Sgt Joshua Helterbran

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

LIIIbeth,

Thank you my Sister.

I used to wonder how God and war could exist in the same world. Then I realized that people make war. God cleans up the mess.

I'm not particularly religious. I don't think God is either.

SD

 

[Sarg]

SD,

I don't think God is either.

Sometimes, you're an absolute pearl.

Sarg

 

[LIllabeth]

Lol. God is whomever you wish Him to be or don't think He is

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Ex-wives, First Sgts. and coaches called me lots of things Sarg, but a pearl was never one of them. HHHHHMMMMM.

I'll take it as a compliment, and simply say thank you my Brother.

SD

 

[Sarg]

Entirely a complement, SD.

Sarg

 

[Jimmy1]

SD, your post is great advice for all of us who fight with our dragons (beast). We are never too old or can never know enough.
I have met people on this forum and out in the public that have said 'I have done all the therapy crap and have tried all the medication' and it doesn't work anymore. Or 'how can a therapist who hasn't deployed help me'. People need to understand that 'nobody' has access all areas to their mind and some memories or traumas can be like a splinter of wood and take decades to work towards the surface. Therapists don't necessarily have training in combat, but a good one will know how to push the right buttons to enable you to manage your demons.

At the moment my head is all over the place too and I am going back to regular therapy. I look at what I just wrote and it does not really make sense.

All I was trying to say is that you can never know everything.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

It makes perfect sense Jimmy to anyone whose been outside the wire.

 

[Spock]

Thanks SD