A Question About Exposure Therapy

[J_trustno1]

Okay, I have read Anthony's article on exposure therapy and how to do it well. However, there is this question in back of my head about exposure therapy.

So exposure therapy is mainly about facing your past demons and taking control over your life. However, does this mean if you come from a toxic or a dysfunctional family, you have to see them often to stop that ignoring behavior you have been doing for a long time? For example, I come from a very toxic and a dysfunctional background and I avoid my relatives because each time I see them, they have something nasty to say to me which results in affecting my physical health as well as my mental health. Does exposure therapy mean, I get to hug the pedophile who molested me when I was 9 and let him feel my bra strap?

Sorry about being blunt, but I want to understand if that is what exposure therapy actually mean. So far whenever I remember my past, I get into the loop of hate, anger and then crying spells. Whenever I see kids with happy families and fathers, I get into that guilt and self-pity about being a child who was deprived of love. What would exposure therapy mean if I have missed all that? How would I see my childhood in a more balanced way than feeling sorry for myself after seeing normal healthy people?

Currently, I am doing CBT with my T and I am starting to realise how I am having the same emotions over and over again and how they are affecting my mental and physical being. But I still can't come in terms to how to avoid falling into that trap.

Some help will be beneficial to understand exposure therapy and being able to grow into a healthy individual and be the person of my dreams.

Thanks for reading this thread :)

 

[SeanCharles]

@J_trustno1 I like this! :) You've got some questions! Hopefully someone else can provide some good feedback here. :)

 

[Ed Norton]

I believe for situations like you went through, exposure therapy won't entail you having to be around your abusers. Rather, it would most likely be imaginal exposures. Where you imagine, anxiety provoking scenarios.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Ed Norton and @SeanGeo . I really really hate them tbh. If I were insane or some psychopath, i would've slaughtered them to be honest but for now i can only wish for their painful death or their struggle in life nothing else. I know it may sound vein but what they've done is no where near forgiveness.

 

[GWhizz]

I don't think it means exposing yourself to your abusers at all. It's more about getting in a safe and comfortable space in the therapeutic setting so that you can begin to process it without it having a devastating effect on your wellbeing again. I know that if I have any contact from my family (especially while in therapy and dealing with the deep trauma issues), it sets me back big time. That's how toxic they are. I don't think any therapy is designed to make you confront your abusers. That at the end of the day, is a personal choice. One that only you can make, and one that a therapist may guide you through if you feel it will benefit you to confront them and maybe get some closure.

There are many people who will only be retraumatised by their abusers though and getting closure or a much deserved apology isn't an option. For me, my abusers (my family) continue to try to exploit and blame me. They even label me a compulsive liar which has made me question my thinking and if I am 'crazy' as they put it. I have the injuries and the memories, flashbacks etc to prove I can only trust myself though.

I hope you get the best from your therapy and do what's right for you

 

[anthony]

Does exposure therapy mean, I get to hug the pedophile who molested me when I was 9 and let him feel my bra strap?

You missed the part about exposure therapy being for changing "irrational" fears. Rational fears are not irrational.

 

[Justmehere]

I do a form of exposure therapy and I also do somatic experiencing. I have done quite a bit of CBT work in the past.

Here's how I have experienced it so far (I'm still in the process of therapy, so I'm still learning as I go):

I was attacked on a sidewalk in front of a grocery store in broad daylight. After the attack, I would get nervous about walking into grocery stores, or out on the sidewalk. Exposure therapy helped me with the fear of walking into grocery stores or out on the sidewalk. It gave me a lot more freedom in life. It did not completely work through the trauma of being assaulted, but it worked through a lot of it. We did it through imaginal exposure, and then I had homework to go to the grocery store on my own. But it wasn't much. As far as the attack itself - no, I never went to go hug my attacker.

The goal is not to be exposed to situations that actually ARE dangerous or creepy. The goal is to be in safer situations where I am safe but triggered.

The goal is not so that the attack feels ok, or to hug an abuser or attacker. The goal is to feel ok to be in places that are safe or to hug people that are safe.

Like in imaginial work, if a certain smell of cologne reminded me of the attacker, I would imagine the smell of cologne on someone else who is not the attacker, be triggered, but then let the anxiety rise, get worse, then get better on its own, and then the smell of cologne no longer brings on all the fear of life and death or soul invading trauma. It just is colonge. That's not how it works for everyone, but that's just how exposure therapy has worked for me so far.

Sorry about being blunt, but I want to understand if that is what exposure therapy actually mean. So far whenever I remember my past, I get into the loop of hate, anger and then crying spells. Whenever I see kids with happy families and fathers, I get into that guilt and self-pity about being a child who was deprived of love. What would exposure therapy mean if I have missed all that? How would I see my childhood in a more balanced way than feeling sorry for myself after seeing normal healthy people?

Exposure therapy doesn't treat grief. It can help tremendously with guilt, shame, and very trauma based thinking patterns which your self-pity being be partly related to. Those thinking patterns keep shifting quite a bit for me. My therapist told me very early on though that working through the trauma with exposure and other trauma processing therapies - it won't be like the trauma and loss never happened. There will be a time needed to grieve through pain and the loss of the trauma. I have wrestled with this as I have gone through the process. I feel deep pain myself when I see happy families.

What I have noticed is that the more I work through the trauma, including doing grief work, the better I feel overall and the less it hurts to see happy families. I feel more happy for the happy family and excited for my own future. It's really hard to explain. There are times where I even begin to see my past as something that has helped shape a few good qualities about me. I will never say my childhood was good or that the pain was worth it - it wasn't. I won't ever see my childhood as a happy thing, but it's not something that painfully hurts as much now and when the past doesn't so much hurt anymore, it doesn't make me envy others as much. It's very very freeing...

None of us can say for sure how you will see your childhood once you work through it all. I do know that it is well worth it the journey.

 

[StarChild]

in a more balanced way than feeling sorry for myself after seeing normal healthy people?

By reading this thread and other threads of yours, I just got the impression, that one of the first things to work on, is your (more or less) constantly feeling sorry for yourself as well, as regarding others assumed happy lives with envy. Because it will simply lead you nowhere, except getting the longer the more filled with envy, self-pity and other very unhealthy thoughts and attitudes as you stated in your original post.

. Does exposure therapy mean, I get to hug the pedophile who molested me when I was 9 and let him feel my bra strap?

I wouldn't say that your question is blunt, but maybe a bit immature... For, in my opinion, you're simply throwing a tantrum, by not wanting to accept and deal with the facts, that you didn't get the love, appreciation you deserved as a child. But instead you're still fighting and longing for something, you'll never ever won't get back the way you so desperately want it.

As long as you don't start to give yourself nurture, love and appreciation, but are still focused on "all those oh so happy people" there won't be real healing for you. Envy, jealousy and grudge are like chains to your psyche or soul. Because by adhering to these feelings you chain yourself even closer to your abusers and you give them endless power over yourself and over your life. Changing your focus would be key to a fulfilled life. Just my blunt two cents...

 

[GWhizz]

@SweetLullaby for what it's worth, acting in a childish or immature manner and feeling the loss of that family you never had or will ever have, is perfectly normal for someone traumatised in such an unhealthy manner. Yes we must undertake a journey to personally grow and heal, but we cannot be expected to be okay with everything and not ever feel sorry for ourselves. In fact, most of us are too hard on ourselves because we never got a break and feel like we shouldn't complain, no one ever listened before. Maybe I'm taking you up wrong

 

[J_trustno1]

Okay people, I didn't mean to start a debate here. All I wanted was some answers.

@SweetLullaby : how would you feel when at the age of 6, you were told that "you are not a kid anymore? You are grown up?" How would you feel when you were being considered the inferior gender and compared to your brother constantly ever since you started realizing this? Okay, my question may sound immature to you maybe you don't feel the pain of your lost innocence and your lost childhood, maybe you weren't forced child labor at the age of 12, maybe no one molested you, maybe you didn't suffer from emotional, verbal or physical abuse as a child. I'm sorry to say that i am childish if standing up for myself all my life and being a scapegoat of the family is considered immature by your standards!! I can't let people walk over me and shit on face without actually doing anything about it. I am a fighter and i will keep fighting until the day die. Too BAD if you think it's being childish or immature according to your standards !!

Sorry to the Admins if they think me speaking my mind was crime. I am not coming back to this thread again so you don't have to ban me. I hate it when people judge you. I seldom pick fights or argue with people on this forum but this person has really pressed my buttons by saying me feeling all that is my fault!

 

[BloomInWinter]

@J_trustno1, you can also block members you do not wish to interact with.

 

[J_trustno1]

@BloomInWinter : :hug:s, Thanks for really understanding me. I felt invalidated how that person started pointing fingers at me for being immature. I'm sorry if I behaved rude. I didn't mean to cause any inconvenience but their response actually did hurt me. All I wanted to know was how to be a better me other than worrying about the past and this person comes in throwing more unnecessary rubbish without acknowledging what I went through. I really appreciate your input and thanks for helping me out. Yes, I'll be more aware of this in future :)