A Thread for Those Who Have Gone No Contact with Family: Does the Loneliness, Isolation, and Grief Ever Get Better?

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Your family sounds a lot like mine. It's why the no contact is so needed on my side. Because if I start again, they all start. And you can't have a relationship with just one person. They all get involved. It's so crazy making. And as far as creepy stuff. After I went no contact, my brother went so far as to call work and ask to speak to my manager.
That's called group abuse..........if you're in....you belong and you are emotionally abused in a more manipulated way, and if you aren't in....you are emotionally abused as lots more overtly..........but if you go no contact, eventually.....you hear the sound of quiet. 😋
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I think that having boundaries with my friend between my "dysfunctional family issues" is super important. Family shit-because it's so dysfunctional, is dealt with in therapy. I don't involve my best friend anymore than is necessary in my old family crap-and try not to talk negatively about them because I don't want to set her up in a "helper/pseudotherapist role".......which then changes the power balance to I'm not okay, and she becomes Ms Fix-it. So boundaries between crazy family when you have a good friend who works as a guidance counselor, is important to a healthy relationship. I want friends who get together to have fun. You can't have fun and dog your family at the same time....that's a downer.......and it can get to be old news for the friend. So when I have issues with my family......even though I'm no contact....(but they occasionally find a way to irritate me), then I deal with those issues solely with my therapist and not those I rely on for friendship and support.
This makes quite a lot of sense to me. But it’s difficult at times to exactly draw the line. True though that when I think of it, I almost never mention my dad or other family members out of factual events, and only if asked. To friends who also have similar family problems, a bit more though. Family also manifested itself enough in front of my friends as for them to have had a taste of how they were…

And yes @Muttly and @TruthSeeker , the pack-like behaviour can be so destructive. Like, you mess with one, you mess with all. And they pride themselves with it. At times even the ones that I sensed have a bit more of personal sympathy towards me are too intimidated by the others to make a move.
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
I can answer the original post question but only in the context of my own experiences. Does the loneliness isolation and grief ever get better? Which loneliness isolation and grief? the feelings caused by leaving my family or the feelings when I was still willing to try to earn their acceptance and failing?

It sets a lot of hackles up when I mention religion, but why not talk about one of the biggest causes of family separation in a thread for talking about separating from a family? No false representations here, it happened in my family the same way it has happened in countless families. Someone got religious, someone didn't and the judgements and resentment started in right away.

At 11 I lost my mother to disease and before she died she found comfort in the church she had been exposed to as a child. My father joined her in hopes of a divine intervention that never came. He made a bargain with the church that he would remain in their fold and raise his children to be members, he told me so. Didn't work, she died. Within 6 months of her death, my mother had been replaced by a woman raising two children of her own, all organized by the church through a singles dating service they ran (if you break families you can take the broken pieces and make families too). My life changed over the course of one spring and summer.

By 14 I was out of that house, escaping the isolation, the brainwashing they tried to run on me at their school and summer camps, and the loneliness of being the only person that wasn't drinking the kool-aid of their cult-like beliefs. I was being punished constantly, chastised, humiliated, and isolated from all connections with my old friends and my mother's family. They were literally being given instructions by the church in their efforts to break me and turn me into a member.

So yes, the loneliness isolation and grief get better. Much much better.

The problem lies in our desire as children to be accepted and loved by our parents and family. It's a survival skill. Even though sometimes it can't be done, we try and try to make it right, to understand what is happening and to assign blame. Guess where the blame goes? The only willing target: Ourselves.

Still working on that one. I hated them but I wanted them to love me. I took blame I didn't earn, they got to be right when they were sooo wrong. It is unsolvable and it has made me more susceptible to other traumas along the way and now i have PTSD that started when I was 11 and didn't go away just because I was able to leave them behind.

So no, it doesn't get better, the loneliness isolation and grief are still real, and I am 45 years older now.

On a first level, glancing blow thought across my mind, the memories of them cause me pain to this day. On a second round, do the math level of thought that is going to hang on until I hang up, I am so so happy that they didn't get their hooks in me and I didn't go down their rabbit hole. I truly feel sorry for them, they missed so much they missed their own grandchildren and now their great grandchildren. All lost in fear of angering their god. Thats the REAL outcome, the TRUE loss.

So, yes it does get better, but it still sucks.

It wasn't my fault, I did the best I could, I am better for it.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Well I can't say in my family there was a religion thing, but I finally get it: yes, it's a relief to not have to be where you are not wanted or worse. It's actually pretty simple.

Does it get better? Hopefully, if you don't repeat it, or expect miracles of the past changing. You can only change your response, your education, your attitude, your focus, your circle, your choices, your beliefs +/or your own expectations, thoughts, understanding, resentments, fears, grudges, and priorities.
 
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