@enough Here's my take on belonging......as a child...you either belong or you don't. It doesn't take long to be labeled the "bad kid" for not keeping the family secrets or doing what they think makes a child a good child (not telling or discussing inappropriate parental behavior).....or opposing a religious doctrine that they think is right but you know isn't working for you- is just one way. It doesn't matter when everyone else is buying in , and you didn't, you didn't belong....you were different.....you saw the problem and didn't buy in. Do you think you ever, before that, belonged...I mean were accepted unconditionally....with love and warmth?I can answer the original post question but only in the context of my own experiences. Does the loneliness isolation and grief ever get better? Which loneliness isolation and grief? the feelings caused by leaving my family or the feelings when I was still willing to try to earn their acceptance and failing?
It sets a lot of hackles up when I mention religion, but why not talk about one of the biggest causes of family separation in a thread for talking about separating from a family? No false representations here, it happened in my family the same way it has happened in countless families. Someone got religious, someone didn't and the judgements and resentment started in right away.
At 11 I lost my mother to disease and before she died she found comfort in the church she had been exposed to as a child. My father joined her in hopes of a divine intervention that never came. He made a bargain with the church that he would remain in their fold and raise his children to be members, he told me so. Didn't work, she died. Within 6 months of her death, my mother had been replaced by a woman raising two children of her own, all organized by the church through a singles dating service they ran (if you break families you can take the broken pieces and make families too). My life changed over the course of one spring and summer.
By 14 I was out of that house, escaping the isolation, the brainwashing they tried to run on me at their school and summer camps, and the loneliness of being the only person that wasn't drinking the kool-aid of their cult-like beliefs. I was being punished constantly, chastised, humiliated, and isolated from all connections with my old friends and my mother's family. They were literally being given instructions by the church in their efforts to break me and turn me into a member.
So yes, the loneliness isolation and grief get better. Much much better.
The problem lies in our desire as children to be accepted and loved by our parents and family. It's a survival skill. Even though sometimes it can't be done, we try and try to make it right, to understand what is happening and to assign blame. Guess where the blame goes? The only willing target: Ourselves.
Still working on that one. I hated them but I wanted them to love me. I took blame I didn't earn, they got to be right when they were sooo wrong. It is unsolvable and it has made me more susceptible to other traumas along the way and now i have PTSD that started when I was 11 and didn't go away just because I was able to leave them behind.
So no, it doesn't get better, the loneliness isolation and grief are still real, and I am 45 years older now.
On a first level, glancing blow thought across my mind, the memories of them cause me pain to this day. On a second round, do the math level of thought that is going to hang on until I hang up, I am so so happy that they didn't get their hooks in me and I didn't go down their rabbit hole. I truly feel sorry for them, they missed so much they missed their own grandchildren and now their great grandchildren. All lost in fear of angering their god. Thats the REAL outcome, the TRUE loss.
So, yes it does get better, but it still sucks.
It wasn't my fault, I did the best I could, I am better for it.
In my case.....I didn't belong....I saw my family's flaws and was verbal about it. My punishment was that I wasn't accepted....I was criticized by my parents, and my brother was the perfect child. I told my feelings when my father was three sheets to the wind and he put me in an unsafe situation.....I called him a sloppy drunk and proceeded to send myself to my room after I said it....before my mother had the time to tell me to go to my room........my mother was disgusted with me for being disrespectful..............I was an outsider....I didn't belong....I saw the flaws and didn't keep my mouth shut. Getting drunk and putting your child in a life threatening situation is much worse than disrespectful....it's irresponsible and uncaring. Yep....I wanted to belong more than anything but I woudn't lie and believe we were a great family when no one spoke to each other......we were not a loving family.....there was a price to pay if you were a child who didn't buy in and support dysfunction. It doesn't matter whether it is alcoholism, drug abuse, a cold family, and abusive family.....they all require compliance and the threat of not belonging is the key to trying to maintain the dysfunctional equilibrium and keep the family shit at home.........and pretending we were all normal. But did I want THAT kind of belonging...it was a lie and I just couldn't pretend that we were something we weren't.....didn't I already not belong.....yep. I never lost belonging.....because it was always hung over my head ...... I wasn't meant to belong to dysfunction. I have found belonging with others as an adult.....and peace....and happiness I never had at home from my parents. So belonging to the Dysfunctionals would have never worked out anyway.....they were too ill.