A Threat To Have "help" Forced On Me.

[Go Hungry]

Sounds like a grade-A emotional predator to me. I've dealt with them in the past. They'll try and command your entire life if you let them, but 'always from a position of love'.. It's a sham. Whatever she may say, her concern is not for you, but for some unspoken hole inside her.. And it is not your job to fill it. It's not this persons' job to save you, and it sure as hell isn't your job to save her. Run!!

You don't need to avoid your friends though. Besides, it sounds like they are onto her already.... She may be playing the martyr just like you said, but if they ask, just tell them that she got really weird and you don't want to talk to her right now. If 'right now' stretches on to forever, so be it. I had to abandon one of these vampires to save myself from his 'friendly concern' once.. He threw fits and made suicide threats... But it was either him or me. You might find yourself in the same position if you keep being involved in the black triangle with her. Stay away.

:hug:

 

[Springer80]

You don't need to avoid your friends...it sounds like they are onto her already.... but if they ask, just tell them that she got really weird and you don't want to talk to her right now. If 'right now' stretches on to forever, so be it.

Like Go Hungry says, the best thing to do is starve the situation and her of any more drama. No comment is the best way to go...and STICK with it. Any meandering thought, opinion, gossip you have with your friends, if it gets back to her, just gives her more material to play the victim and cause havoc.

On second thoughts, if your friends ask, say you haven't got the time or energy to be dealing with that shit. You are far more concerned about your living arrangements and legal fight.

If you can, try not to bitch about her to anyone who might pass it back to her for entertainment. Get it off your chest on here or to anyone that absolutely is not connected with her.

 

[Laura 2]

Oh hell! This sort of thing has happened to me not once but twice.
Both women. Compulsive fixers, closet narcissists and guilt-ridden. Supposedly friends.

First, woman whose husband ended his life years before. Made it her mission in life not to let another loved one go the same way. I went away for a few days holiday, came back to find my front door bashed in by police. She'd phoned plod for them to check out whether I'd done the deed. Several doors in the house were wrecked. I was utterly traumatised at the damage and having to several days with a front door flapping open until someone could fix it. I'd never in my life had clinical shock before that event.

Second time was someone I was working with (she was an EX-pdoc, it was work-work, nothing to do with my PTSI). She'd heard from someone else how down I was, got on her high horse and got the plod sent round, despite me assuring her I was just fine. Plods were great, understood it was an over-reaction on the woman's part. I immediately stopped working with her.

Both women had Agendas, their own Big Boundary-Busting Agendas. It was nothing to do with how I actually was. It was all about salving their consciences and making themselves feel righteous and, yes, all-powerful.

What I learnt from all that is 1. there are many people who dump their stuff on you if you're at all vulnerable whilst they make themselves feel good, and 2. all such interventions end up with the one they're so kindly 'trying to save' feeling like shit and worse off.

Oh, and 3. we don't need 'friends' with narcissistic saviour complexes who do not understand boundaries. They are just not worth it - and they do not change their behaviours even after you've tried to talk with them.

@Justmehere - I'm really sorry you've had this experience but thank you for sharing this, it's a salutary tale, a warning for others to trust their instincts and avoid saviour types like the plague. There's a lot of them in public services, I've noticed.

Your saviour-friend was just wanting attention on the pretext that you needed help! If she was that worried she would have either come round to see you, asked a mutual friend to drop by, or just called the police. Instead she made a right meal of hounding you and making you very scared. It was all ME-ME-ME.

Really, you can't fix these people. They're not friends.
Everyone has responded with more or less the same - you did well in the frightening circumstances and you need to cut her out of your life. This woman is far more mentally disturbed than she would like to think you are.

IMHO!

 

[NovemberStar]

Holy crap that's waaaaaayyyy too intense!!!

Far out she sounds really irrationally crazy with serious issues of her own.

Run and don't look back!

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for the responses - I will write more soon, I'm currently typing from my phone.

I just remembered something. Two months ago, a mutual friend was struggling, let's call her Sally, and this friend, the one who I screamed at, let's call her Anne - she told me Sally could really use a call from me and some encouragement that it is safe to go to the ER. Sally was struggling with health issues, so I figured it was related to that. I thought it was all weird. I called Sally and asked what was up and told her I was around if she needed to talk. I didn't say anything about the ER. Sally called me back a few days later, and just said it was life stress. She wasn't mad at me or Anne. but she also didn't want or need go to the ER and she had been a "little overwhelmed by Anne's worry..." She didn't say anything else and I didn't think too much of it.

Weirdness... How could I forget that? Yikes!

And now I realize that Anne, this friend who I yelled at, ugh, she did this nonsense before! I don't think I'm the only one! :(

 

[ghotiff]

Sounds a bit like munchausens by proxy type behavior. She wants her "friends" dragged to the ER.

Run and don't look back.

I agree with the comment to not discuss with mutual friends in case it adds fuel to her fire.

 

[Justmehere]

Geez. It's all so weird. I wonder why I didn't see it sooner. I think you all are right - not talking about it will keep the drama from starting up again. Shiesh.

 

[NovemberStar]

Did she ever disclose what her trauma was? Seems clear she has a lot of issues, and you say her mother committed suicide, so I guess it's not too far fetched to understand she probably is really freaked out at the possibility of anyone killing themselves - even when there isn't any real risk. Hyper-sensitivity. Maybe she blames herself for her mothers death; maybe she feels she has to stop anyone who might do the same thing, least it be her fault again.

I know it's not your issue, not your problem. And I'm not suggesting you stay friends or have anything to do with her. Hopefully she has a T and is talking to them about her issues of trusting others not to take their life.

 

[Sally sue]

@Go Hungry has an interesting point, and I wonder if your impulse to "fix" the relationship is based on fear? I find myself often trying hard to "fix" a relationship when someone I'm drawn to or an authority figure is mean to me...weird, I know :( unfortunately, I'm learning that this is a knee-jerk "fear of abandonment" issue from the past.

I also wonder if this were to ever happen again if you could just call the police yourself and give them a heads-up to let them know that you're fine, tired, and someone is threatening to call the police on you, but you want to go to sleep? ...maybe that's a dopey idea : /

 

[anthony]

I think your friend was projecting her own problems upon you... and thinking what she does, you should do too, by act or force.

I think your friend is dangerous and has more problems than you possibly do.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly, she needs to fix her own damn shit regarding her mother's suicide and stop using it as an excuse to threaten the freedom of her friends! (Uhm, remember, we all deal with symptoms we can't control, but this most DEFINITELY falls under the category of "controllable". ) I've said it before and I'll say it again.....anyone who has been traumatized to the point where it is affecting their life should be in treatment and/or working on healing or else they will lose their friends....much of the time deservedly as it is simply selfish to force ones own issues onto another. I'd say to reach out to her and tell her to get help, but even that would be a direct threat to your own safety, so again, I think just letting it go would be the best option.

 

[Laura 2]

I also wonder if this were to ever happen again if you could just call the police yourself and give them a heads-up to let them know that you're fine, tired, and someone is threatening to call the police on you, but you want to go to sleep?

I'd caution against that. The police may be very different where you and @Justmehere are but my betting (sadly based on far too much experience of the police as a crime victim) is that UK police would first snigger and then send a patrol round anyway to check you out and even try and take you to a place of safety. You'd get the 'name' not her.

Maybe she blames herself for her mothers death; maybe she feels she has to stop anyone who might do the same thing, least it be her fault again.

This sounds reasonable. Though if she had acknowledged that she has problems in this respect she'd possibly be more circumspect, be able to check her impulses better. As my experience shows, these sort of 'directive' people (aka meddling busybodies with agendas they project onto you) consider themselves to be ok. The acid test for me is 'would they follow through with practical help with your problems' ? Like in @Justmehere's case, is the woman prepared to lend her money to find a new place to live, offer her a room in her house, sit and talk through PTS feelings...' (My guess is not. )

I'd say to reach out to her and tell her to get help, but even that would be a direct threat to your own safety, so again, I think just letting it go would be the best option.

To my mind, reaching out to her could be rewarding inappropriate, damaging behaviour. I'd opt for letting it/her go to avert any more complications.