About The Kids

[nomedic1]

I'm relatively new to this site mostly posting on the Combat PTSD site, but certain circumstances have brought me to post this today.

I put this to you, my daughters have had to put up with my emotional withdrawal for the last 6 years and a good couple of years of me dragging them around the world trying to find answers to my problem.

My oldest daughter blames herself for everything and has issues with her weight even though she is normal weight for her age, my youngest daughter withdraws and in her own words "is always angry inside. I feel my lack of emotional investment has caused these problems and I would greatly appreciate some advise in this matter.

 

[The Albatross]

Tough call. Depending on the age of your daughters there are some good sites that can help parents teach coping skills. Or depending on your ability, you could try some family counseling sessions?

It is difficult as a parent to feel that your issues may have either cause or exasserbated some inherent issues for your children. But, I will tell you that precious few in this world have come into adulthood without a bit of baggage from their childhoods. The things that matter most can be modeled... communication, problem solving, conflict resolution and safe or healthy relationship building.

Not much help I know, but this is the best I can do. For yourself, you can acknowledge the situation without diving into shame/blame/guilt/grief... you will be best served moving forward if you can shift away from any of these self defeating thoughts/feelings and focus on things you can do for your girls, now or soon to assist them as they approach adulthood and improve the relationship that you have with them so that if or when they need you (and many daughters do need their dads) you have a safe and healthy relationship with them in place.

??? Hope this helps you.

 

[nomedic1]

Thanks Albatross it does,they are very dear to me, light in a very dark tunnel.

 

[The Albatross]

Don't know if you're up for it, but a good starting place on relationships for me was "Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It could give you some very practical guidelines on how to be a "safe" person for your daughters. I've read that book about three times and keep going back to it.

 

[nomedic1]

Thanks will get hold of a copy.

 

[safenow]

I have nothing to add, but I just wanted you to know that I'm so proud of you for loving your daughters and striving to be a good dad. You're daughters are lucky to have you in their lives. I hope you can get the right type of help and not feel guilt over things that you had no control over.

 

[nomedic1]

Thanks safenow

 

[myvetswife]

I feel my lack of emotional investment has caused these problems and I would greatly appreciate some advise in this matter.

It probably didn't help.

The most important thing is that they get help now. The damage is done, so get on dealing with it. It doesn't help them if you tear up. You know you done mistakes and I hope you are working on it.

Our son has ADHD. His anger issues where that bad he went through 3 kindergarden, 2 primary schools. My husband, also a combat vet, blames himself.

 

[Eleanor]

Nomedic1 - parents get an awful lot of credit for effort. (Thank goodness.)

Also, since you've kept them around they know you at least as well as you do (don't think they don't.) And that means that you will need to give to yourself what you need to give to them. You can't treat anyone else any better than you treat yourself - or so I have found. Intentions matter in this stuff. What has happened in the past is a done deal. Your time, thought and energy need to be spent on the NOW.

It is (for me any how) kind of tricky to know what good parenting looks like - but if you start with a clear intention it is less confusing. For example, my intent is that my daughter will always be able to tell me the truth of her life and her feelings, and get a compassionate hearing and an honest and freely offered response from me that aims to help her become the best "her" she can be. Not very well expressed, but that is the general idea.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I feel for you. No sense in kicking yourself around.

I made alot of mistakes raising my children and I always made amends and apologized. I was straight with them. Just an idea. I wish you the best with your girls.

Getting them into therapy or family counseling is a fine idea.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Hi nomedic1,

I'm not really sure what to say except maybe tell you a bit about myself. I have PTSD and am in my early twenties. I still live at home with my parents, who while they are loving, have never been the emotional type. They are quiet and reserved. I am in turn generally the same. There's really not much talking to be had between us, especially of the emotional kind.

My point being some of my very best memories are simply watching movies with my father in the living room. It's nothing special and certainly nothing noteworthy in the grand scheme of things but to me those are my best memories and those instances continue to be how we spend time with one another. I look forward to those times. For my father and I, we mostly watch sci fi. Old, bad, new, and amazing computer generated images (CGI) that's what we talk about. We do this maybe once a week or so. We recently finished the entire saga of Star Wars (something neither one of us has seen in a while).

Ultimately what I guess I'm trying to say is the cliche "it's the small things that matter". A movie here, a congratulatory comment there... If they are done consistently, if they become a ritual, it can become something both of you can look forward to. You don't really even need to say much or anything very awe-inspiring, but spending time together, simply having a father's attention for a prolonged period of time... That is something priceless. There is a feeling of contentment knowing you can share something like that.

Everyone isn't the same. Maybe a different activity like frisbee golf or any kind of sport is up your alley. Heck maybe just going to the gym together spotting each other is something you could do. Anything you can both relate to because seeing a parent enjoy being with you, the child, is a good feeling.

Either way that's just my two cents. I hope that helped at least a little bit. And I'd just like to add that whether you believe it or not you're a good dad. You wouldn't have made this thread otherwise.

 

[rightkindofme]

I read a lot of developmental books because I'm afraid of over reacting to things my kids do. I don't know what age your daughters are but this series goes through year by year and I feel like this has saved my parenting relationship: Dead Link Removed

I also really liked: Dead Link Removed

It's a journey. Short of *abuse* remember that having you in their lives is the very best thing for your kids even if you aren't perfect. Kids need their moms.