Accomplisment: Bought Some New Shoes And Clothes

[Cool Cat]

Hi guys,
This is a really odd way of measuring accomplishments in recovery from trauma.

But since I was about...I'd hazard a guess at 4, due to self-esteem issues, family stuff, some early childhood stuff and in later childhood: trauma at the hands of bullies who tormented me for the guts of 10 years in so many different ways.

So I've always found it very difficult to wear anything other than very very plain dark (boring) clothes. Whether it's because I feel unconfident in nice clothes, or I don't want to draw attention to myself, or something else.
So getting some clothes and new shoes that don't fall into the plain dark and boring category is actually an accomplishment for me!

Don't know if anyone else has had this problem.

They're not drastically different from my old plain dark and boring clothes but I think this is a step in the right direction.

 

[Tanishq]

:tup: Cool cat! A way to start new year! :cool:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Congratulations and I am so proud of you. I am pretty much doing the same thing slowly, I am changing my style of dress as well so I understand what a big step this for you.

 

[Changing4Best]

I joined Etsy and bought a sweat shirt tonight (it is hand made, a one of a kind thing). I just felt like shopping, or doing something I don't normally get to do.

 

[Friday]

Very much, so. I was just thinking about this the other day.

For me, part of it stems from the whole no-future thing. Argh. I forget the quote. Need to look it up. Oh. Huh. Either it's not in the DSMV or my eye is gliding right over it. Remembered it in any event; Sense of foreshortened future. When Im doing well I can believe maybe the future might exist (with or without me). When I'm doing badly, not only do I feel ancient, but I don't even know if I'll see the sunrise. If it rises. No guarantees in life, afterall. So what's the point?

& part of it stems from hating myself. Why on earth would I want to dress up something I can't stand to look at? Shrudder. No thanks!

So one of the quirky side effects of my being in a PTSD tailspin is owning the absolute bare minimum -and often not even that- of clothing needed. Making do. Even for my court appearance I had to buy the pieces of my suit separately, over months. I've started to learn to pay attention once I start patching and duct taping and repurposing things (instead of replacing) that I may not be in the best headspace. By the time of my divorce I only owned 2 shirts, a pair of jeans (much mended), a pair of PJs, & a set of knickers. One swimsuit. One snowsuit. One pair of flip flops (also mended). Aka what I had on me, or what I was wearing while I washed what was on me. I'm still kicking myself for not noticing how bad that had gotten. But it's still better than my first tailspin. That was a bikini & pair of shorts. Shakes head. I've really gotta stop using that time period as my poverty or Friday's in a bad headspace bar.

It is very much a huge victory / very good sign for where I'm headed once I'm able to actually buy clothing for myself. Not there, yet. Good on you :)

 

[ghotiff]

A huge acomplishment! Well done!

 

[Nicolette]

Well done :) I've moved this to the discussion forum as it's a better fit.

 

[WildMermaid]

Bravo Cool Cat I'm super proud of you! To those that have not been through it this may seem like a small thing, but for those of us who've lived it this is a sign of brilliant things to come! :D

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I used to wear intense hippie pants but I don't wear them anymore for exactly the same reason (don't want to draw attention). I also wear mostly plain dark clothes now but I like being somewhat incognito. I guess it's a phase.

Congrats on buying those new clothes! :-)

 

[illusionist]

Good for you cool cat...I know how difficult this is to do. I own the minimum of clothing and only recently stopped to question myself why. One of the main reasons I realised is if I need to ' run' it is easy to just throw everything in holdalls and go. I even have the holdalls within easy reach rather than stored away like normal people. Maybe it is time to believe what the reality is, in that I am perfectly safe, 7 years with my partner proves that, and I just need to truly believe it. Time to be normal in that respect, me thinks.

 

[Friday]

@richter scale You know,., one thing I did when I was doing well was to have go-bags, ready-bags always at hand. (At home, in my trunk, & at work). It requires a surplus of clothes/supplies since they're completely packed at all times. Only even ever washed one at a time. I gradually quit using them, as my work changed, and then they were kid bags & sports bags... Things I needed on a regular basis (and blessed!) in my life as a stay at home mom. I miss the security of both, and haven't had either for a few years. Think I may go back to that. Requires more clothes, though ;).

 

[Cool Cat]

Thanks so much for the kind words guys! :) It really means a lot!
Hoping to take more action in 2015 and move further in recovery.
I think the reason I have always worn very plain and dark clothes up to now stems from low-self-esteem, self-loathing, not wanting to attract attention and not wanting to take any pride in my appearance. There's a huge long way to go but I think this is a good start.