General Accountability? PTSD Equals No Responsibility?

[kguyton]

My brother said to me, "So your husband has a disorder that relieves him of any responsibilty, accountibility, stress, financial obligation, spousal obligation, or any other difficult or unpleasant thing? All under the guise of "I forgot?" And hows that workin for ya?"

And you know - he's got a point. :angry-fla

 

[Jen]

Gee Kayguyton Ive never seen it be descibed like that before!:think:
Jen

 

[anthony]

It is very accurate IMO, however; there is give and take with it. A person only need read anything from a sufferer here, and you could assimilate that to every single sufferer, because we all suffer the same. Living with PTSD inside is worst than hell, worst than what you could think going to hell could do to you. It is a living hell to put it simply. What some do though, is often when a person is diagnosed, they are overwhelmed with all these symptoms, so they go into sympathy, apathy mode, which is pretty normal for feeling such things, but at the end of the day, a sufferer must get off their arse and take their life back in control, get off their pity pot and do something about the illness, because it can be healed, learnt how to manage it, and get back into life again. Denial is great, lay around all day and be depressed for ourselves, or a decision can be made to do what is likely going to be the hardest and most painful work a person could ever do, and face their demons, heal their pain, learn how to manage PTSD and get back into life once again. That is where a sufferer must be pushed, in the direction to face their fear and get off that sympathy pot. Once done, sufferers tend to find a whole new appreciation for life after the first six months of trauma therapy, thus work harder to get better and back into life. Sure, its not curable, but it can be managed, and that does take a lifestyle change for the sufferer, and if the partner wants to remain with them because they do love them, then they also must move forward, and not dwell in the past of the pain the sufferer has inflicted upon them, instead move together into a more positive future together.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Ditto on what he said. I will push and prod my husband "johnny longtorso" or some goofyass name he has on here to give his input. He has his own computer now and said he would. He has dealt with the hell I put on him, from anger and lashing out, to zero clue to what is going on around me, to scraping me out of the floor and poking pills down my throat and dragging me to docs when it was the last thing I wanted.

I still have moments like scrap me off the floor like yesterday but it is not near as bad as it was or as often. He is just being timid but I will give him a push to this thread at least. Maybe he can give you some better insight from his point of view as mine is a bit biased.

 

[johnny_longtorso]

k-sorry to see that your so frustrated, but I think that it is normal and typical for a spouse to feel that way. From the outside (your brother's and to a degree from your view), it does look like your husband has checked out of all responsibilty, accountibility, stress, financial obligation, spousal obligation, or any other difficult or unpleasant thing, but the fact is that his mental process is misfiring all over the place. His mind is overloading itself with all of the stress and emotions from whatever traumatic events he experienced (Iraq, combat, etc-how's that for difficult and unpleasant?) and is trying to reorder and cope with that. Until those experiences are processed, he is completely unable to worry about the finances and spousal aspects of your relationship. The carnage will be dealt with later.
Is he seeking help? Counseling? Psychiatrist? Does he recognize that he has a problem? Is the person you fell in love with still there?

 

[Deleted member 93]

I have to add one itsty little thing as it did not jump out at me until I read my hubs post. And wonder if you feel that way too, kguy. At the end of your sentence you said "under the guise". Do you feel it is a guise? Guise is deceitful... Do you think he is faking? Being over dramatic? BSing what his symptoms are? As it can be very destructive and make PTSD worse if you think it is all a load.

 

[Andrea42]

hahaha dont mean to laugh but WOW Kguyton your bro said that perfectly.... i agree... i ask questions like that all the time :) just that i am used to it, and i dont think that is a good thing though....
Welcome, hope to hear more from you.

 

[Jen]

Welcome to the spouses section Johnny you sound to me that you are one special guy:hello:
Actually I think anyone who is a PTSD spouse has something special about them I have friends who wonder how we put up with it.
Probably because we love them, some days more than other days:smile:
Jen

 

[kguyton]

I'm sure a big reason I feel so angry and out of patience is that I was adopted at birth and then severly abused as a child, which led to a teenage drug addiction. I overcame it. I bought a home, have a successful career many friends that I love. It was bloody hard, and I cried for years in therapy. I wrote nearly a book about it with journaling. I read everything I could get my hands on - because I wanted to end the cycle with my own daughter. And in all that terrible, heartbreaking work - I NEVER had the option of saying, "I can't" to my child. I can't work, or take care of you or keep a roof over our head. I never had the option to say to my boss, "I can't" or "I forgot, thats why nothing is done." So I feel like I have been to hell myself - and yes it's hard, and yes it hurts, but get on with it - it's worth it. I still don't feel there is any option in these things. But my husband has this god****** excuse to check out of our lives everyday.

 

[becvan]

I'm sure a big reason I feel so angry and out of patience is that I was adopted at birth and then severly abused as a child, which led to a teenage drug addiction. I overcame it. I bought a home, have a successful career many friends that I love. It was bloody hard, and I cried for years in therapy. I wrote nearly a book about it with journaling. I read everything I could get my hands on - because I wanted to end the cycle with my own daughter. And in all that terrible, heartbreaking work - I NEVER had the option of saying, "I can't" to my child. I can't work, or take care of you or keep a roof over our head. I never had the option to say to my boss, "I can't" or "I forgot, thats why nothing is done." So I feel like I have been to hell myself - and yes it's hard, and yes it hurts, but get on with it - it's worth it. I still don't feel there is any option in these things. But my husband has this god****** excuse to check out of our lives everyday.

So you resent your husband for ending up with PTSD and you didn't? You feel that he is using this as an excuse because it didn't affect you that way... *okay mods.. feel free to edit me here.. as thinking straight right now is kinda tough* Do you feel that he chose this? Do you feel that somehow he has no right to end up with a disorder from it since you didn't? Are you hiding the possiblity that you are not over your tragedy from yourself and your husband? I'm sorry but you never overcame it.. If you had you wouldn't be holding in resentment against your partner because of it. You have more healing to do. Plain and simple. Are you taking this out on your husband? If you are, you are increasing his symptoms, dragging him backwards and making healing impossible. It takes two to heal in a relationship.. and I think you need to start with yourself.

Bec

 

[Deleted member 93]

Bec, no one is going to accuse you of sugar coating that one, but you did get to the point of your thought. And I think there may be some valid points there. Just because you did not put a bow on it I am not editing it.

But try this one too, kguy. You busted your ass to work through this. Thing is if you do not have PTSD you have that capability. If you have it you have to go through a whole lot of extra goodies to get to a management phase.

Don't think my hubs does not want to strangle me at times and visa versa. But he has also done all he can to research this and read about it to also talking to my doc. when I permitted about it. He has eaten the info section here along with reading books. Plus when he tried to force me to stand on my own two feet I crashed twice as hard. My doc gave him bad advice on day and it was not pretty.

But Bec's post has a lot of merit. I had little compassion for those who seemed so weak, they were pathetic (hmmm this did not stem from my youthful abuse, nahhh). I went through so many years of abuse and never knew another way of life until my husband. I was a strong woman and damn proud of it. I had over come so much. Until one day it all fell in after I married. Sure symptoms were there and always had been. But I hit a point of the floor just fell out. Please be watchful for that on you.

It seems you really resent him for his "weakness". My husband had shown compassion I had never saw in him before when this struck home. Compassion will take you a long way in this to keep your relationship together. But you still did not answer, do you think it is a guise?

 

[kguyton]

you are way off base. Plain and simple. I am not Jealous that I didn't get it. You might want to work on those anger issues yourself.