Addressing Ptsd After Domestic Abuse. Too Little, Too Late?

[rgrdgroef]

This is my first post. I have struggled with PTSD since 2010. I recently re engaged in treatment (talk therapy, psychiatry, group) after being out for about 18 months. I am married to my estranged wife and children whom I cherish and want to reconcile with. There was an incident of physical domestic abuse that I was arrested for (a big bear hug and moved her into another room to yell out of earshot of the kids...case dismissed). There was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse that I subjected her to for multiple months, on and off. We are now separated and have only recently resumed communication in the past week or so.

I've since identified the source of my anger and rage and have accepted that although "it takes two to tango" I was the one with the control over the situation and I used that power in kind of an evil way to hurt my wife.

I've had multiple breakthroughs in a short period of time over the course of about 3 months. With the help of the tools I have gathered over years of on and off treatment and the new addition of helpful tranquilizers. I am able to remain calm when I feel the hyper vigilance kick in. I have been tender and true to her for several weeks now and things are actually going well. I am looking for advice on ways I can help rebuild trust.

Has anybody been able to reintegrate with an estranged family after being a perpetrator of domestic abuse? Can she ever trust me again?

Truly Ashamed,

rgrdgroef

 

[Sighs]

My father is a combat vet with untreated PTSD. He self medicated with alcohol and beat my mother when I was a small child.

They will celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary next year. I don't know how healthy their relationship is these days - partly because I haven't lived at home for 22 years and partly because its their relationship.

Good luck with it!

 

[Teasel]

I recently read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft as I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship.
It has very clear info on what you need to do to stop being abusive.

 

[Friday]

Blood family, yes.

Romantic, I never tried. Either violence was a quasi-healthy component to our relationship from the get-go, or I put as much distance in between me & them as I could / ran like hell.

It's taken me a long time to sort out my level of violence in a relationship. What's healthy. What's not. // What's PTSD. What's me. What's me being an asshole (3 different things). // What I want. What I don't want.

***

Statistically... The numbers are on your side if your relationship has become abusive. Most women leave seven times before they leave an abusive relationship for good. Most people don't want to believe that the person they love is an abusive c*nt (male or female) who will never change, but only get worse. Any shred of hope they cling to. So when there not only is a reason (PTSD rage storms, TBI, alcohol, etc.) that is driving the abuse, but the person is making steps to change? (PTSD treatment & anger management, neurology & therapy to repattern shit, quitting drinking, etc.) a whole lot of people will gladly cling to that for as long as they can. How long that is? How long it takes trust to rebuild (if it can)? How damaged the relationship is? All those things vary.

Not gonna blow sunshine up your ass... The moment we lash out, we can lose the right to the relationship. Ball is in their court. (Unless you're like me and take the ball and run, not even giving them a chance to give me a chance.) For some people? Trust can rebuild for some it can't. The only way to find out is time.

The good news, is whether she stays or goes, the work on getting your temper in hand? Needs to be done anyway. For yourself, so you can trust yourself. For your kids, so you can be a part of their lives. For either your wife as she is, or if she leaves, as she will be; the mother of your children. And for anyone you will ever have or want to have a close relationship.

I just bring this up, cause it's tempting as hell to be all "Why the f*ck am I doing all this work if she just leaves me, anyway?"

So is there hope? Yep. But one better, it's the right damn thing to do.